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Max.....Jeff Richards Angela.....Salma Hayek Mother.....Amy Poehler [ open on interior, den; camera angle faces front door, centered by a widescreen TV at screen right, loveseat couch at screen left. To the right of front door, we see an oversized wooden cabinet with its doors closed. ] [ sound of two people in the outer hall, as front door opens to reveal their arrival ] Max: Well, Angela, here's the ol' homestead. Angela: [ smiling ] Did you really just say "homestead". Max: Yes, I did, but.. but.. [ points across room desperately ] but I have a widescreen TV! Angela: [ nods ] Okay. I'll forgive you for "homestead" this time. Max: [ looks to the ceiling, raises his arms victoriously ] Yes! [ Angela takes a seat on the couch ] Max: Can I get you anything - coffee, tea, wine spritzer? Angela: A wine spritzer sounds nice. What flavors do you have? Max: [ thinking ] Last time I checked, there was Watermelon, Grape Kiwi, and Fuzzy Navel. Angela: A Fuzzy Navel would warm my palette. Max: Fuzzy Navel coming right up! [ exits to kitchen, stage left ] [ Angela walks around the front room, then suddenly notices a couple of old videotapes stacked on top the widescreen TV, which she picks up to read ] [ Max returns with the two wine spritzers ] Max: Here we are! [ notices Angela holding one of the videotapes ] Oh, those. Pretty archaic, huh? Angela: [ laughing ] Really! Who still owns a VCR in the 21st Century! Max: Just for laughs! I only watch pre-recorded material on DVD now - even my old home movies. Angela: Oh, you tech genius, you! Max: [ laughing ] Yeah, I had all my old 8mm reels converted to DVD - you've never seen a clearer picture. [ a slight pause ] This might sound dumb, but.. would you like to watch some of my home movies? It's nothing too spectacular, just old footage of me doing the things throughout my life that make me unique. Angela: [ curious ] Do you have any videos from when you were a kid? Max: Oh, absolutely! We've got footage from the very second I came out of the womb! Angela: [ hesitant ] ..Maybe we could save that for our next date.. but I'd love to see you as a kid growing up! Max: [ teasing ] "Said the attractive lady as she looked on to the night with eager anticipation." Well, let me check the collection in the cabinet, and see what we have. Any particular age you'd like to see me as? Angela: [ unsure ] Uh.. how about Age 4.. Max: Age 4! Vintage! Let me see.. [ opens up cabinet to reveal six interior shelves filled with DVD cases filled with his lifetime memories ] That would be on.. 1975, Discs 1-6. We could start on my fourth birthday in mid-June, and move forward. It also features the summer I fell out of a tree, flew a kite, and ran away from home for the third time. Angela: You have all that on disc? Max: You think reality television is all the rage today? My mom has been doing it for years! I've got every moment of my life on disc here. What's today, March 15th? Would you like to see me eating breakfast on this date in 1981? Angela: Uh.. no, I wouldn't? Max: Oh, come on! If I'm not mistaken, I was eating a bowl of Froot Loops, and that was the day I found the Jackson Five stickers at the bottom of the bag! It was one of the millions of highlights of my life! Angela: Yeah, I'll bet. Max: You want to see the video of the first time I went to the dentist? Angela: You know what, can I see the video of the exact moment you turned into a freaky weirdo instead? Huh? Max: Now, Angela.. really. Come on, let me show you.. [ pops disc into DVD player and presses Play; sounds of an dentist's drill can be heard ] Look at Dr. Bowman go! I swear, that man's more of a butcher than a dentist! [ laughs ] That root canal was painful at 15, but it seems kind of funny now! Angela: [ over the sound of the drilling ] I feel like I'm watching Dustin Hoffman squirm in "Marathon Man" - who filmed this? Max: My mom! She brings the images alive, doesn't she? It's like being right there! Hey, you've gotta meet her! Hey, Mom! Get out here! [ Mother enters from back room at stage right, she holds a Camcorder up to her face, now filming Max and Angela's ever step as they move about the room ] Mother: Smile, dear, this is going to out to millions! Angela: [ confused ] What millions?! What is this all about? Max: I told you: my mother loves reality television. She's trying to get me my own show, like Anna Nicole or that squirrely-looking kid on E! She exaggerates with "millions" - it's just the neighbors on both sides of the house. [ waves to camera ] Hi, Mr. Mulholland! Whatcha eating there, Mrs. Marcus? Angela: Okay, this is disturbing.. this is beyond disturbing! You film yourselves for the pleasure of your neighbors, and then you archive everything on disc? What is the matter with you?! Mother: Look, I admit.. sometimes the results are below par. Some nights Max does nothing but sit around watching reruns of "Barney Miller" on TVLand, and this fascinates no one! But sometimes extraordinary things happen. Max: That's right. The point is: it's real! Mother: You know, Angela, one of my favorite videos was that time when Max was 18.. I think it was July 12th, 1989, we'll have to check the video list on Disc 4.. but it was raining, and apparently Max had nothing better to do. So, I walked into the bathroom, and there he was standing over the sink watching himself masturbate in the mirror! Max: [ laughing shamelessly ] It was really embarrassing.. because it was my first time, I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and I ended up spooging all over my face! [ chuckles ] Oh, memories.. Mother: [ to Angela ] Now, dear, he hasn't brought too many women home - I think you're only the fourth or fifth - but, just so you know, I will be videotaping it. If you'd like to see the previous footage to make sure you don't duplicate another girl's positions, I can do a quick search through the database and cue up those videos for you. Max: Just set the camera on the table, Mom. While you're reviewing old footage, I'll broadcast that commercial spot for Mr. Mulholland's hardware store. Mother: Oh, that's right.. it's 8 o'clock. Angela: [ walks toward the dor ] Okay, I am not interested in looking at old footage, and I have no intention of going to bed with you, Max! Thank you for a horrible, scarring evening, but I have to go now. Max: Don't go, Angela! You'll ruin our ratings! Mom has been promoting our date all week, and, if you bail now, there's a chance Mrs. Marcus won't ever speak to us again. Angela: [ mocking ] "Said the weirdo, as though he thought anybody gave a damn." [ opens door, exits house ] Max: [ deflated, hangs his head ] Why don't women seem to like me? Mother: She's a stuck-up bitch, you can do much better. [ a beat ] Hey, why don't I dress up in some sexy lingerie, and you can beat off to me? Mr. Mulholland won't mind. Max: Isn't that a little too depraved? Mother: [ offended ] It's just for ratings, Max.. it's just for ratings. [ Max shrugs his shoulders as he and Mom exit to the bedroom, and the scene fades to black ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
