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Tim Roastbeef.....Darrell Hammond Laura Bush.....Salma Hayek [ open on stock fotage of U.S. Capitol ] Announcer: From NBC News in Washington, this is "Press The Meat", with Tim Roastbeef. [ dissolve to "Press The Meat" studio; long strips of beef dangle from meat hooks on right side of the studio, with TV monitors on the left side ] [ across bottom of screen: "Meet The Press", Tim Roastbeef ] Tim Roastbeef: [ hunched over newsdesk ] Tim Roastbeef with you this morning once again, for "Press The Meat", as America prepares to go to war with Iraq at President Bush's insistence. Saddam Hussein continues his claim that he harbors no weapons of mass destruction, but Bush says that's a load of baloney! How soon before Bush sends our troops to war, and who will shoulder the blame if our mission is not met with success? Here, straight from the White House to answer these and other questions about America's War, is First Lady Laura Bush. Good morning, it's nice to meat you. [ leans over and bows his head, making a poor attempt to hide his self-amusement ] Laura Bush: Thank you, Tim, it's nice to be here, though I'd be hard-pressed to qualify myself as an expert on the situation in Iraq. Tim Roastbeef: If posed with the challenge, could you find Iraq on a map? Laura Bush: Yes, I could. Test me any time, any place. Tim Roastbeef: Alright. [ pulls out a laminated piece of paper and holds it in front of Laura Bush ] I'll give you to the count of 5 to find Iraq. Here's a hint: it's the one that looks like a sandwich with a big bite in the right corner. Laura Bush: [ sighs ] Tim, this is a menu. Tim Roastbeef: [ shifts his eyes ] Well, that puts us in a stew, doesn't it? [ slides menu away from the desk ] Forget geography, let's talk about some of the other things here that's at.. steak. [ leans over and bows his head, making another poor attempt to hide his self-amusement ] Laura Bush: [ now getting annoyed ] Are you feeling right in the head, Tim? Tim Roastbeef: [ on his own agenda ] Let's talk about potential countries Iraq might attack. There's some interesting neighbors: Iran, Syria.. Turkey. Laura Bush: I'm sure Iraq will not be going to war against Turkey. Tim Roastbeef: So, what you're saying is that Turkey is chicken? Laura Bush: No, Turkey is not chicken! Those are two different birds, and.. oh, will you stop baiting me with all the stupid meat puns?! Tim Roastbeef: I'm not grating on your nerves, am I? Laura Bush: Yes, you are, Tim! Tim Roastbeef: The kind of thing I'm doing stinks like limburger, doesn't it? Laura Bush: [ heavy sigh ] Don't start this up with types of cheeses, Tim. Tim Roastbeef: [ visibly angry ] Fine. I'm not well-versed in cheese, anyway. But, Mrs. Bush, I don't like being shanked on my own show. It's one thing to rib me a little.. but to tell me how to run my own show. Let me ask you something about yourself, Mrs. Bush - just.. what is.. Laura Bush: [ makes time-out with hands ] No, don't finish that sentence! Let me guess! You want to know.. "what is my beef?" Do you want to know if I have a bone I want to pick with you? [ Tim appears stunned ] What's the matter, Tim? I'm not.. busting your chops, am I? Tim Roastbeef: [ leans toward camera and smiles ] Damn, she's good! Completely stole my thunder and made me look like minced meat over here. Made me look like a pound of chopped liver! Laura Bush: Tim, what's going on, what is with this side of you? Tim Roastbeef: [ snickering, faces camera ] She said "side"! Laura Bush: And why did you change your last name to Roastbeef? Have you completely lost your mind?! Tim Roastbeef: [ begins to weep, breaking into a mental collapse over the desk ] I'm sorry.. it's just that.. the idea of going to war scares me, and I can't handle the pressure any more.. Are we, are we not.. UN arms inspectors.. the price of gas gets more and more out of hand with each passing day.. the only way I can afford to have gas lately is if I eat a can of beans..! [ continues to cry ] Laura Bush: [ inches closer to Tim ] Pork and beans, Tim? Tim Roastbeef: [ leans up straight in chair, the disturbed smile returns to his pale face ] First-Lady Laura Bush, I could kiss ya'! [ reaches his arms out ] Laura Bush: [ slaps Tim back ] Get your meat hooks off me! [ Tim is sincerely stunned by the outburst ] You see what I did, I decided to play along. Gotcha! Tim Roastbeef: Well done, Mrs. Bush. Well done. [ faces camera ] We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor - Sanderson Farms. [ theme music takes them to commercial, and fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
