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...Salma Hayek ...the cast of SNL Enter SALMA HAYEK. Applause. Salma Hayek: Thank you, thank you! I never thought a little girl from Mexico could one day be in New York hosting Saturday Night Live! (applause) The past year I've been working hard in character as the artist Frida Kahlo in my most recent movie “Frida,” (applause) which earned me an Oscar nomination, so please vote for me! (applause) It was such a demanding dramatic character, I really appreciate getting to do comedy again. The cast has been so supportive in helping me make the transition, so to reward them, I took them back to my hometown of Coatzacoalcos, Mexico for one day! We even took a camcorder! Roll the footage! FOOTAGE of a bustling Mexican city, cars and burros crowd the streets in heavy traffic, and people crowd the sidewalks. Salma Hayek V/O: This is what Coatzacoalcos looks like eleven months out of the year. It's a bustling city of about 250,000 people, a center of business and commerce. FOOTAGE of college students drinking beer, doing shots, girls flashing breasts (blurred out of course). Salma Hayek V/O: But during the month of March, the city becomes infested with American college students on spring break. SCENE of many college kids chugging beer in a huge, crowded dance club. The camera pans over and we see Horatio Sanz and Tracy Morgan doing beer bongs. Salma Hayek V/O: We just happened to be there when many students arrived, and Tracy and Horatio got along real well with them. Tracy Morgan: (towards camera) What's up Salma girl? This town is off the hizz-ook! Horatio Sanz: (towards camera) Aye carumba! The camera continues to pan along until we see Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon at the bar. Tina is obviously drunk, and is wearing a pretty provocative outfit. Jimmy is much more sober and appears concerned at Tina's drunkenness. Tina Fey: (drunkenly) C'mon, you know you want to. Jimmy Fallon: Tina, aren't you married? Tina Fey: To a staff writer on Conan! He ain't goin' nowhere. I want to hop on the Jimmy Fallon train to stardom! Jimmy Fallon: Look Tina, maybe we better get you back to the hotel room before you do something you'll regret. Where's Maya and Amy, do they have your key? Jimmy looks around for Maya and Amy. While his head is turned, Tina reaches into her purse and pulls out some roofies. She slips them into Jimmy's drink while his head is turned. Salma Hayek V/O: Uh oh Jimmy, watch out! Camera pans over to a scene of Chris Kattan blindfolded with a pinata dangling in front of him. He is surrounded by Dean Edwards, Jeff Richards, Fred Armisen, Will Forte, and Seth Myers, the featured players. Salma Hayek V/O: Oh yea, we had some fun with the pinata. Here is Chris trying to break it open. Chris walks around for a second as if can't see and begins flailing his stick around in an attempt to beat the pinata. Soon, he begins hitting the featured players as they shout out “hey” and “ouch!”. Kattan then begins viciously hitting them. Chris Kattan: You featured players will NOT force me off the show, you hear me? I will play Mr. Peepers on Saturday Night Live forever! Corky Romano sucked at the box office! I have nothing else! You can't take this away from me! Salma Hayek V/O: Yikes, I haven't seen Chris that upset since Maya stole his leather pumps. Camera pans over to a stage where women are parading around in a wet T-shirt contest. The next contestant is Rachel Dratch, who is drunk and hollering. Salma Hayek V/O: Some of the castmembers let their inhibitions down, like Rachel here. Rachel Dratch: WOO-HOO! Look at these puppies! Who's the class nerd now? Salma Hayek V/O: Guess Rachel is really letting her hair down! Rachel begins gyrating her hips and rubbing her breasts while a Mexican guy pours water on her breasts (all blurred out of course). In the background you hear Tracy Morgan yell. Tracy Morgan: That's my girl Dratch! Check out them gazoombas! Camera pans down to just below the stage where Chris Parnell has a camcorder filming Rachel Dratch. Chris Parnell: Oh man this is hot. (begins rubbing his chest) Salma Hayek V/O: (disappointed) Chris! Camera pans over into the women's bathroom where we see Maya Rudolph and Amy Poelher sitting on toilets with their heads down, in obvious agony. Salma Hayek V/O: Not everyone had such a great time though, some castmembers got a touch of the Mexican flu. A loud fart is heard. Amy Poehler: Why, oh why did I eat so many chalupas? Maya Rudolph: When they say “don't drink the water,” they should include, “and don't eat the ice!” Camera pans back to a hallway, where Tina Fey supports a staggering Jimmy Fallon back to a hotel room. Salma Hayek V/O: Uh oh, looks like Tina and Jimmy are in for an awkward Weekend Update! Tina Fey: That's it Jimmy. Stay awake just long enough for mama to get her groove on. Camera pans back to Horatio and Tracy, who are holding up someone upside down for a keg stand. Everyone around them yells “CHUG, CHUG!” They slowly put the gentleman down and we see it is Lorne Michaels, in full suit. He takes out a handkerchief and slowly wipes his mouth as Tracy hands him a snifter full of brandy. Lorne Michaels: Thank you Trace-dawg. Lorne belches loudly. END OF FOOTAGE Salma Hayek: Well, as you can see everyone had a good time, so… Cut to the audience where a man from the audience rises and raises his hand. Audience Member: Excuse me Salma, I don't mean to interrupt, but where was Darrell Hammond? Salma Hayek: Darrell? Well, he, uh, couldn't make the trip. He got stopped at the border. Actually, we have footage of that too. Scene of an interrogation room. Darrell Hammond is standing next to two Mexican police officials. Mexican Official: Where is the cocaine hidden senor? Darrell Hammond: I don't know what you're talking about. Mexican Official: Then it's the body cavity search for you. Drop your pantalones por favor. Darrell drops his pants as a Mexican official puts on latex gloves. The camera zooms in on a close up of Darrell and he puts on a big smile. Cut back to Salma and Lorne. Salma Hayek: So you see, everyone gets lucky during spring break! Anyway, the whole cast made it back. We had such a great time, right guys? Cut to a shot of the crew just off-stage. They all look embarrassed and sheepish. Jimmy and Tina glance at each other, then awkwardly look away from each other. Dean, Jeff, Seth, Fred, and Will all have bruises and bandages and are nursing their injuries. Chris is looking sheeplishly towards the floor. Amy and Maya are both drinking bottles of Pepto Bismol. Rachel folds her arms over her breasts and looks ashamed. Chris looks at Rachel, then ashamedly looks down. He takes the camcorder in his hand, removes the tape, and throws the camcorder in a trash can. He then puts the video in his coat pocket. Darrell is rubbing his ass in pain. They all slowly nod to Salma. Salma Hayek: We have a great show tonight! Tracy and Horatio rush onto the stage with large sombrero hats on their heads and bottles of tequila in their hands. Tracy Morgan: We had a great time in Mexico Salma! Damn them Mexican hotties is fine! Salma Hayek: Christina Aguilera is here, so stick around, we'll be right back! CUT TO MUSIC Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
