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Margo.....Salma Hayek Sam.....Darrell Hammond Bruce.....Tracy Morgan Kangaroo.....Seth Meyers Robber.....Jimmy Fallon Reporter.....Chris Kattan [Scene: Outdoors, sand dune backdrop. Margo, Sam and Bruce enter scene huffing and puffing without a house in sight.] Margo: I think we lost them. Bruce: Damn, those dingoes were crazy. Sam: Hence the expression...crazy as a dingo. Margo: (cuddling up to Sam) I was so scared. Sam: Relax Margo...you know I'd never let a dingo eat my baby. [Sam and Margo kiss.] Bruce: Dammit. I can't believe my luck. Stranded out in the middle of the Australian outback. Sam: Relax Bruce. It could be worse. Bruce: Yeah and it could be a lot better too. I wish we were stranded in the middle of the ocean. That way we could be saved by some friendly dolphins or something. Margo: Maybe Crocodile Dundee will come and save us? Bruce: That was just a movie. (sobbing in his hands) Just a movie. Sam: C'mon you guys...somebody will save us. Bruce: Wake up Sam. There's nothing but dingoes and kangaroos in this dolphin lacking hell hole. [Enter Kangaroo.] Kangaroo: G'day mates. Did somebody call for a kangaroo? Margo: A talking kangaroo! Bruce: And look...he's wearing a Miami Dolphins jersey! It's a sign! Margo: We're saved! [Margo and Bruce hug and then kiss each other passionately. Sam separates them and gives them a 'What the hell was that?' kind of look. Bruce shrugs his shoulders.] Kangaroo: Looks like you lot could use a bit of help. Sam: Yeah, you could say that. We were on a tour of the outback when suddenly we were attacked by a group of wild dingoes. Our guide took off and we've been running for hours. Bruce: There must be something you can do to help us out. Kangaroo: Hmmm, I reckon a cell phone might do the trick. [Kangaroo reaches into his pouch. Pulls out a tennis racket and a tire iron.] Kangaroo: I know I have a cell phone in there somewhere. Me hands are full, maybe the lady could reach in there and grab it. (Margo reaches in the kangaroo's pouch.) A little to the left...that's right. Oh yeah, there it is. Margo: (tugging) I think it's stuck. Kangaroo: (happy look on face) Oh keep yanking, it'll come. Sam: Uhh honey... Kangaroo: (strained look on face) Don't worry she's almost got it now... Bruce: (reaching into Kangaroo's pouch) Here, let me help. Kangaroo: (jumping back quickly) NO! No, I mean...I'll get it. I'll just put these other things on the ground...silly me. [Takes cell phone out of pouch and hands it to Margo. Cell phone starts ringing.] Margo: (answering cell phone) Hello? What? I can't hear you. You have to speak up...I can't hear you! [Enter Robber.] Robber: (holding on to cell phone) Can you hear me now? [The Kangaroo and the Robber start laughing.] Sam: What's going on here? Kangaroo: Just having a bit of fun with you... (pulling a gun out of his pouch) before we rob you blind! Bruce: I knew it. You're probably not even a dolphins fan, are you!? Kangaroo: (rips off Miami Dolphins Jersey to reveal Oakland Raiders Jersey.) Hell no, mate! [Bruce, Sam and Margo gasp.] Robber: We are fans of fleecing yanks though! Margo: Omigosh, it's the Outback Bandits! Kangaroo: (to Robber) Looks like we have us some fans, Billy. (to Bruce, Sam and Margo) Right, now watches, wallets and all your jewelry into the pouch. [The Kangaroo uses one hand to keep his pouch open as Bruce, Sam and Margo follow his instructions.] Margo: Oh please, not my necklace. Sam: Do as they say dear. We can always buy you another. Margo: (hesitates for a bit. To the kangaroo) Wait I have an idea. Why don't I come with you two? Sam: What? Margo no! Kangaroo: Nah, you're a yank. Margo: (reaching into kangaroo's pouch) Aww...don't you think you could learn to love a (pulling motion) yank? Kangaroo: (looking at Robber) Please Billy, can we keep her? Robber: Okay with me. [Margo reaches over and grabs the gun away from the distracted Kangaroo. Bruce pulls out a gun.] Margo: Freeze, FBI! Bruce: (to Robber) It's two guns versus one, big guy. I don't like your chances. Robber: (dropping gun) What the bloody hell? Sam: Yeah, what the bloody hell? Bruce: (into a walkie-talkie) Agent Dole to chopper five, we have the suspects and are awaiting extraction. Kangaroo: Please let me go...I'm innocent. Margo: Not a chance hop-a-long...or should I say hop-a-short. Kangaroo: Ahhh her hands were warm but her heart is ice cold. Margo: (to Sam) I guess I owe you an explanation. Bruce and I are FBI agents assigned to track down and capture a dangerous duo who had been robbing American Tourists, in the Outback, for the last decade. Sam: You're an FBI agent? Margo: Yes. I'm afraid our marriage was just a cover. Sam: What? We've been married for five years! Margo: Look...I'm the one who had to have sex with you, so I wouldn't complain. [Helicopter sound effects begin. Two agents come in and take Kangaroo and Robber offscreen. Margo waves at Sam and follows them offscreen. Sam walks off in the opposite direction totally dumbfounded. Enter Reporter.] Reporter: Agent Bruce Dole of the FBI, you've just captured the notorious Outback Bandits. What are you going to do now? Bruce: (into camera) I'm going to SeaWorld! [Stone Roses 'Bye Bye Badman' melody begins to play. Cut to pictures of Bruce at SeaWorld. First picture is Bruce beside a dolphin. Cut to shot of Bruce with his arm around a dolphin. Cut to shot of Bruce giving the dolphin a noogie. Finally cut to a shot of Bruce having a candlelit dinner with the dolphin.] [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
