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Paul.....Fred Armisen Cookie.....Jimmy Fallon Jack "Rhodey" Rhodes.....Jeff Richards Woman customer.....Salma Hayek [We open inside a “greasy spoon” style diner. A man sits at the counter drinking some water, and the short order cook brings out his lunch. A woman is running a highlighter through a book at a nearby booth, still in frame but barely.] Cookie: Here ya go, Paul: roast beef melt and wedge fries, extra crispy. Paul: Great, thanks. [He starts on the sandwich but is interrupted by loud music: Kool and the Gang’s “Jungle Boogie,” like from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. The diner door opens, and a brash young man walks in holding a silvery briefcase. He has short spiky hair, a neatly-cropped beard and mustache, and he wears a dark jungle-print shirt.] Cookie: Hey, it’s my main man Jack Rhodes! Rhodey, how you doing? Jack Rhodes: [over the music] A TREMENDOUS day to you, what is UP?! It is GREAT to be here in the diner, especially on a getaway Friday. Paul: [irked] Hey, is that your music? Do you mind, I’m trying to eat lunch. Jack Rhodes: Check that. [touches a button on his briefcase, and the music stops] No need to go all Bitterman on me, it’s handled. [to cook:] Yo cookie, I called up five minutes ago, figured you I could come get my grub-on but to go. Is it all good? Cookie: Oh no problem Rhodey, I’m all over it. Your usual, right – skinless chicken filet sandwich, whole meat bun, no mayo, side of steamed veggies? Jack Rhodes: [excited] Cookie, you are the freaking MAN! Everywhere I go, when I grab a bird to the A-T-L or bust out my sled and haul azzzz up to Oaktown, I tell one and all: Cookie at the diner is a straight-up STUD! You’ve got so much game behind the grill, you’re the Shaq daddy of short order chefs! Cookie: [digging this] Always good to hear from a fan. Hang on Rhodey, I’ll go check on your filet. [goes into the kitchen] [a beat] Paul: Excuse me mister, but who ARE you? You have one of those faces, but I can’t quite – Jack Rhodes: Yo Bitterman, what’s up? The name’s Jack Rhodes, I’ve got a KILLER sports talk show and it is BLOWING UP! Paul: Sports talk… that’s on the radio? Jack Rhodes: We’ve got, I dunno, like three or maybe 180 affiliates coast to coast. And we should bust out to a full two hundy in time for football season. That’s going to be HUGE! Paul: Ah, okay. I don’t really follow sports. Jack Rhodes: [looks at Paul like he has three eyes] You don’t what? Paul: Oh, I’ll watch the World Series or some football games. But I don’t revolve my whole weekend around it like some people do, I can’t. My job can get sort of crazy sometimes, including stuff on the weekends, so it just doesn’t work. Jack Rhodes: Errrr, okay. So c’mon Bitterman, what’s up? Tell me what you do. Paul: I design costumes and props, mostly for feature movies, but also some TV work. And the name is Paul. Jack Rhodes: Okay Paul, stop gripping, we’re in a company town and you’re a company man. You’re making a contribution, so props to you. [The cook pokes his head out from the kitchen.] Cookie: Sorry Jack, we’re out of the vegetables you like. I can give you fries, baked potato, cottage cheese or fruit salad. Jack Rhodes: That fruit salad, is it in spring water or some oversweetened syrupy glop? Cookie: Either way. Jack Rhodes: Great, fruit salad with no syrup, let’s do that. Paul: [to the cook] Excuse me, sir? Can I trouble you for a cup of coffee while you’re up? Cookie: Sure. How do you take it? Paul: French roast with milk and double sugar, is that okay? [Cookie nods and goes back into the kitchen. Rhodes is sizing Paul up, trying to figure what makes him tick.] Paul: Something wrong? Jack Rhodes: I meet all kinds of people, some of them java slaves and some not, but you just don’t meet too many French roast, double sugar kind of guys. Paul: Hey, it’s how I like it. Jack Rhodes: Sure, that’s cool. Nothing wrong with getting your joe that light or that sweet. Paul: [sipping from the cup] Thanks for understanding. Jack Rhodes: It’s just, the way I see it, if you actually wanted a freaking *milkshake*, you can just order one off the menu! [Paul glares at him.] Jack Rhodes: Hey c’mon, you just shucked the Bitterman tag, don’t go back there now. It’s not like I rolled outta the rack this morning and said, “OK, got a big day ahead. I’ll get some breakfast, get dressed, knock out the sports show, order some grub, gas up the sled, then what? Oh wait, *I know* – I’ll lay out and WHACK some prop master dude while Cookie grills my grub.” Say, you work in movies – have you worked on anything that’s up for an Oscar on Sunday night? Paul: [surprised] Not this year, but the crew I worked with picked up a nomination back in 2000. You follow movies too? Jack Rhodes: Follow them, buddy I’m in the movies! [a beat] Errrrr, well, I’m in movie, as in one. I scored about 12 lines in Star Jam, making fun of Michael Jordan before he ran around with Bugs Bunny to save the world or some such crap. Paul: [looking closely] Oh yeah, now I recognize you. Jack Rhodes: Course, that was back in the day, before the Academy decided to roll out with Oscars for best cartoon, errrrrrr, best animated feature. It's a nice idea but kind of late in the game, right? Where was this category when truly EPIC cartoons were around, like Rugrats? Or South Park Longer and Uncut? Or what many consider the finest cartoon ever made, Transformers The Movie?!? Paul: [laughing] Hey, you might have a point. Jack Rhodes: At least the other awards are staying pretty fresh. I mean, who doesn’t like Chicago? Zellweger – I hardly knew her! And the brunette, Catherine Zeta Jones, she’s magically rack-licious. Paul: Yes, I really liked it too! What did you think of The Pianist? Jack Rhodes: [blank look] Didn’t see it. Paul: Adaptation? Jack Rhodes: Nope. Paul: Talk to Her? Jack Rhodes: Subtitles, uhhh, no thanks. If I want to read, I’ll crack a book. If I want to read in the dark, I’ll go blind. Paul: Okay, how about About Schmidt. Jack Rhodes: Nicholson is the bomb, so I enjoyed it. But that scene with Annie Wilkes, errrr, Kathy Bates, naked in a hot tub? *The horra* oh lord, THE HORRA! Paul: Lord of the Rings? Jack Rhodes: Okay, with that one I can definitely see the studio working, and I understand why it’s made more money than God. But two years in a row, it gets consider for Best Picture? Best *freaking* picture, c’mon! What is THAT? Each one of these is basically like three hours of a Magic the Gathering game that somebody from ESPN 2 the Deuce, gave the director *sick* piles of jack, and he brought it to living color. Paul: And did you see Frida? Jack Rhodes: Oh yes. Salma Hayek gave a nicely layered performance. Or at least her eyebrows did! Holy crap, nice unibrow, I GUESS! It’s too bad they didn't have Nair back then. [At this, the woman customer picks up her books and walks to the diner’s front door.] Woman: You know, some might say it would take some courage for an actress to take on such a role, especially one pulled from real life. [Paul and Rhodey look at each other, then at her.] Woman: In fact, I look forward to the day they make a movie based on your life, Mr. Rhodes. Oh wait, they already released it last year. But I haven’t see it – I promised myself many times, there wasn't any way I would spend nine dollars to see Jackass. [walks out] [Stunned silence. Then the cook emerges from the kitchen.] Cookie: Here’s your order, Jack. Oops! I mean Rhodey. Jack Rhodes: You know what, it’s all good. It’s like I always say, those who deserve props will get them, and those who deserve to get *whacked* will get that too. And I’m man enough to admit, I might have deserved a little taste. Paul – keep up the movie magic, and try my show sometime. Paul: Thanks, maybe I will. Jack Rhodes: [hits a button on his briefcase, which starts to play “Lust for Life” by Iggy Pop] I’d like to thank Cookie for making a mean chicken filet on whole wheat, Paul the prop master for enduring my smack, my staff, my agent and the syndication guys, and that’s it! I AM OUT! [fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
