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Scott Raulie, Mark Jennings Reese II & Alex Thomson
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....Jimmy Fallon ....Tina Fey Charlie Grayson....Jeff Richards R.K. Srivastava..... .....Tracy Morgan Jimmy Fallon: Good evening, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories. On Tuesday, President Bush signed the new “do not call” law into legislation. The “do not call” law involves three lists of nations that the U.S. is or at one time was involved with. One column is a list of nations that the United States will not call. Another column is a list of nations that the United States will call. Of course, the third column is a list of nations that we got the busy signal the last time we tried to call them. According to a new study done by research firm RoperASW, 43 percent of Americans are irritated by online advertisements, calling them “a nuisance that interferes with Internet usage.” Surprising, I spend most of my days curled up by my computer with close relatives and popcorn, anxiously awaiting the next pop-up regarding information on animal sex and my piece enlargement. Jimmy Fallon: Three years after seizing Nevada's most celebrated brothel, the federal government announced plans to demolish the Mustang Ranch. In a related note, former President Bill Clinton made a press release stating he will not be visiting Nevada anymore. 
The American economy fell another $24 billion in debt today, when President George W. Bush wasted the entire afternoon on hold with Iraq singing along to the muzak version of "Stairway To Heaven". Ladies and gentlemen, this is a true story. A young shop assistant was tricked into letting a complete stranger smear her bare feet with baked beans and syrup "for charity.” She agreed to his bizarre request, but did find it odd that he was wearing a Bin Laden mask. The man took photographs and said that it was to raise money for Comic Relief. It wasn’t until she told her flatmates about it later that she became alarmed. They told her “What on earth were you thinking? He’s obviously a total weirdo.” Police are calling the man the “Baked Bean Foot Prankster.” Tina Fey: Oh...my...God. Jimmy Fallon: What’s wrong Tina? Tina Fey: I feel like such a knucklehead.(she twists her knuckles on her head) Jimmy Fallon: What are you talking about? Tina Fey: I was at my apartment this last weekend and had just gotten out of the shower. Somebody knocks on the door so I answer it and there’s a guy with a Mussolini mask on. Well, of course I immediately died laughing because you know how I am with evil dictator masks. So I let him in and offered him a drink and then out of the blue he says “I want to smear baked beans on your ass” and I’m all “whoa whoa...I mean the mask is a real hoot and all, but I’m a refried bean kind of gal” and he says “all I got is baked” and I said “sorry, but no thanks” and then he says “but it’s for charity” and I say “what charity?” and he says “comic relief” and so I shed my panties and he paints my bare ass with a can of Bush Brother’s finest.” (emphatically) But now to come to find out that this guy was just somekind of weirdo? Jimmy, I’ve been a victim of the Baked Bean Ass Prankster!” Jimmy Fallon: (sotto) Tina, what on earth were you thinking? He was obviously a weirdo.” Tina pulls out a picture that we presume is of her ass smothered with beans. Tina Fey: Damn you baked bean ass prankster. That’s the last time you’ll foil me with your ass and bean games! She quickly rips the picture into pieces. Jimmy Fallon: Was that one of the pictures? Oh man, I could have sold that on EBay for like 50 bucks? Tina Fey: Only fifty bucks?! Boy I really am a cheap ass. Rachel Dratch: (off screen) Ahhh! Salma Hayek: (off screen) Ahhh! Jimmy Fallon: What was that? Is someone in trouble? The camera’s view darts quickly to the left and takes off toward the WU door. The door opens into the backstage. The camera rushes down a hall and comes to a closed door. The door opens and we see Salma and Rachel crying. Rachel & Salma: (simultaneously) We fell prey to the Baked Bean BOOB Prankster! Rachel Dratch: He said it was for charity! Salma Hayek: How were we to know he..he was just a weirdo!(they burst out crying again) The camera has some pictures in it’s field of vision that lie on a nearby table. Is it what I think it is? Oh my God! We can’t quite make it out, but it looks like pictures of Salma and Rachel with beans spread on their boobies! Lorne Michaels: (off screen) Mr cameraman, this is Lorne. The camera looks up to see where the voice is coming from. Lorne Michaels: Do you like your job? The camera nods up and down ala The Continental. Lorne Michaels: Let me remind you that we are live on network television so please step away from the naked bean breast photos and return to your position. Do you understand? The camera nods. AND WE’RE BACK.... A hand appears to the left of Jimmy with a piece of paper. Jimmy grabs it. Jimmy Fallon: This just in, the Bean Prankster has been apprehended (studies the paper and looks confused) what’s this...I-I believe we have a photo of the Baked Bean Prankster. Tina Fey: The U.S. foreign-born population has reached a record high, though the rate at which people came to America has slowed considerably, the government reported Monday. Adding to the new studies, scientists are suggesting that evolution has never been more at hand. Research revealed that the greatest golfer is black (Tiger Woods) the best rapper is white (Eminem) and the Germans don’t want to go to war. Jimmy Fallon: After rejecting a reported $100,000 a year offer from McKinsey & Company in London, Chelsea Clinton said “yes” to the New York offices Friday—the deadline for all recruits. Marking the first time she has told a group of men “yes” before getting paid. Tina Fey: Hundreds of restaurants across the country have mounted a grass roots protest against France over the French government's opposition to the United States mobilizing for war against Iraq. Here with a commentary is the owner of Staten Island's own Bayside Bistro, Charlie Grayson. [Pan over to show Grayson sitting next to Tina Fey.] Charlie Grayson: Thank you, thanks. Tina, for years now my restaurant has served French fries with our burgers and sandwiches, and French toast at breakfast. They're a Bayside tradition, and we're proud of them. But then those French folks started thinking they're better than us, so I figured, the hell with them, the hell with French fries and the hell with French toast! So now our Bayside burgers come with "freedom fries." They're made with 100 percent Idaho potatoes grown right here in the U.S.A.! Jimmy Fallon: [unimpressed] Hmm, clever. You came up with that all by yourself? Charlie Grayson: No, I heard about it on Rush Limbaugh. We've hosted a lunchtime "Rush Room" weekdays since 1998! Jimmy Fallon: That's great. And what about the French toast? Charlie Grayson: Um. Well, lately the toast has been one of our loss leaders, so we just dropped it completely. Tina Fey: Charlie, your place is called the Bayside Bistro, right? Charlie Grayson: You betcha. Tina Fey: Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "bistro" a French word? Charlie Grayson: [annoyed] Yes. Tina Fey: Maybe you should change your restaurant's name, too. Charlie Grayson: Hold on now, Tina. That would mean new menus, different neon signs, changing the ads in the phone books -- pretty soon you're talking real money. Jimmy Fallon: So you want to be a patriot, as long as it's affordable? Charlie Grayson: [very annoyed] Dammit Jim, I'm an entrepreneur, not a grammarian! Jimmy Fallon: I don't think so, Chuck, because "enterpreneur" is French too. In fact, I've got one of your restaurant's menus with me [lifts menu into view], and I think you're in trouble. You gotta take off the chicken cordon bleu, the creme brulee, half the wine list -- Charlie Grayson: Fine! I'll make it the Bayside Bar and Grill. That's G-R-I-L-L, with no fruity little "e" on the end. Serving a fine assortment of Bayside burgers and freedom fries! Tina Fey: Wait, aren't burgers German? As in hamburger, from Hamburg, Germany -- you plan to bag on France but not Germany? Charlie Grayson: FINE! It doesn't matter anyway because we're running specials on green beer and shepherd's pie throughout the weekend. Jimmy Fallon: Oh I know, for St. Patrick's Day. Charlie Grayson: No, we just overstocked a couple months ago and we have to move product somehow. [rises to leave] Jimmy Fallon: Charlie Grayson, everybody! Tina Fey: In a related story, France quickly retaliated against America's turning to freedom fries and freedom toast. The French Ministry of Agriculture announced it would relabel all supplies of American cheese [show image labeled "American cheese"], and dairy companies worry the new name [image now shows President Bush's face and a new label: "Bush cheese"] will drop cheese sales to all-time lows. Jimmy Fallon: It looks like the well-known couple of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are once again on the skids. It was reported this week that Timberlake was turned down in his latest attempt to get back with his onetime lover. Spears later confirmed this, saying that the two of them were 'over' and 'there would be NO reconciliation.' [A picture of Justin looking sad appears on the screen behind Jimmy] Hey Justin, looks like NASA isn't the only one having problems with re-entry, huh, buddy? Tina Fey: Geri Halliwell, the former Chubby Spice, recently admitted in the press that she once had a lesbian fling with another woman. She claims she is not gay, as it was only an experimentation. She declined to name when it happened, or with whom, but only hinted that the experience left a rather "Scary" taste in her mouth." Jimmy Fallon: The United Nations has reduced their 2000 world population estimate for the year 2050. The UN population division said that they figure that world population will be 400 million less than previously estimated. Asked why they thought there would be a decrease to the estimate, an UN spokesperson said, "Have you seen what people are doing on Fear Factor! Those crazy bastards! 
Jimmy Fallon: A British psychologist has determined that the hit children's television series "Thomas the Tank Engine" shows too many crashes, and may be causing children to be frightened of going on trains. Also causing children to be frightened of going on trains: trains with faces.
Tina Fey: The Air Force tested the 21,000-pound MOAB, the most powerful non-nuclear bomb ever made, this week in Florida. Bush administration officials deemed the detonation a complete success after the bomb obliterated the voter registrations of millions of Florida Democrats. In Mexico City, thosuands turned out last month for the opening of a new shopping mall. The Plaza del Corona is the largest mall in Mexico, and is expected to employ thousands. The local populace is understandably excited, with one man saying that "All the items we can never hope to afford, all here for our convenience! This is indeed a glorious day!" Jimmy Fallon: Senate Republicans say they have moved to within a single vote of guaranteeing President Bush one of his top domestic priorities - opening the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling. Former President Clinton stated he's upset he didn’t get any credit for all the drilling he proposed in the White House. On Monday, Rep. Dan Foley proposed having the state of New Mexico honor all extraterrestrial beings with a special day that will celebrate and honor all past, present and future extraterrestrial visitors to New Mexico. Foley said he introduced the legislation to "enhance relationships among all the citizens of the cosmos, known and unknown." Also, he felt the world could benefit by having a holiday for chronic masturbators. Tina Fey: Indian archaeologists prepared on Tuesday to start digging in search of a lost temple whose disputed existence lies at the heart of India’s tense and often violent Hindu-Muslim divide. Here now with a commentary is local Hindu-Muslim devotee R.K. Srivastava. R.K.: Thank you Jimmy, Tina. Tina Fey: Now R.K., most Muslims say that there is no proof of the ancient temple’s existence, what do you have to say about that? R.K.: All in due time Tina, but you two are American, I have to ask you something. Tina Fey: Yeah sure, what is it? R.K.: Where in the hell is Indiana Jones man? I saw Raiders of the Lost Arc like 8 times you know! He always seems to dash in just in the nick of time, you know what I mean? You want to know what I think? Indiana Jones is a racist. Tina Fey: Alright, R.K. look, Indiana Jones is just a character played in a movie, he’s not real. R.K.: His racism is real. Tina Fey: Alright, that’s enough. R.K.: Everyday I pray to him: Come join our archeologist’s dig! Get in another crazy adventure! Save a beautiful woman then screw her brains out! But nothing man! Tina Fey: R.K. Srivastava everybody. R.K.: (While being escorted by Jimmy) Don’t you kick me off! You are a racist Tina Fey! Tina Fey: The chronicle of Woody Harrelson's spring 2001 bus trip - reminiscent of Ken Kesey's 1960s journey with the Merry Pranksters - is making its world premiere at the South by Southwest film festival. Director Ron Mann calls it "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test on tofu." Others are calling it a pound of weed and a bus full of smoke. Jimmy Fallon: After 70 straight wins, the UCONN women’s basketball team finally lost Wednesday night to Villanova. Most of the girls said they were still tired from the 69 earlier in the week. In a further sign of the spread of wireless Internet technology, McDonald’s restaurants in three U.S. cities will offer one hour of free high-speed access to anyone who buys a combination meal. To further this promotion, on top of the high speed access, the combination meal will also include raunchy Ronald McDonald porn. Tina Fey: German police apprehended an 11-year-old boy on Wednesday, as he torched stolen goldfish with a homemade flame-thrower. They came upon the boy as he was roasting the fish with a device made from a water pistol, a cigarette lighter and a stolen petrol canister. While trying to apprehend the boy, the police soon learned the device could also be used for roasting nuts. 
Jimmy Fallon: To prove to Vatican officials that he's not as old as he looks, Pope John Paul II demonstrates a board-breaking technique he learned in an after-hours Tai Kwon Do class. Tina Fey: And now, here with a review of the new popular film “Bringing Down The House”, is our own Tracy Morgan! Tracy Morgan: Thanks Tina! The new blockbuster hit “Bringing Down The House” hit the movie theatres this past weekend and I, Tracy Morgan, went and saw it. Jimmy, Tina – one of the things that bothered me the most was the previews before the movie. They were all white people films! You got your Crispin Glover as the Willard freak; you got the upcoming Adam Sandler flick, and of course, like 15 ‘Shelley Long’ trailers. Then the thing that really made me mad – they got this Gwyneth Paltrow Stewardess trailer that goes on for like 10 minutes. I just saw the entire movie! Damn! Jimmy Fallon: Hey, Tracy, what about the movie? Queen Latifah, Steve Martin? Tracy Morgan: Oh, I got kicked out of the theatre for yelling at the screen. It was so crazy! Steve Martin dating a black girl? That is hilarious! Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan, everyone! Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
