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INT. LIVING ROOM OF NORMAL-LOOKING SUBURBAN HOUSE - NIGHT MR. JOHNSON sits in his chair reading “Ranger Rick” magazine, while MRS. JOHNSON, sitting across from him, is reading “Monster Truck Weekly”. The doorbell rings. MR. JOHNSON Oh, that will be Jack. He gets up and answers the door. It’s their good friend, JACK. Jack carries a suitcase and wears bad weather type clothes. JACK It’s me! MR. JOHNSON Jack, come on in! JACK Oh don’t mind if I do. (to Mrs. Johnson) Hello. MRS. JOHNSON Hi Jack! JACK So this is the new house. Nice. Looks real airy. MR. JOHNSON Yeah it is. If it wasn’t haunted, it’d be perfect. JACK (laughing) If it wasn’t haunted. That’s a good one. MRS. JOHNSON We’re serious. JACK What? MR. JOHNSON It’s true. This house is haunted. Here let me show you. Honey, would you come over next to me so Jack, here, doesn’t think you did it. Mrs. Johnson goes to stand next to Mr. Johnson. MR. JOHNSON (CONT’D) Now with a little help from the supernatural satanic powers above, can we have the lights turned off please. Just then, the lights go off. JACK Ahhh! MR. JOHNSON Alright, you can turn them back on now. The lights come back on. A book is thrown at Mr. Johnson. It just misses. MR. JOHNSON (CONT’D) (to supernatural powers) Hey! Did I tell you to throw a book? (to Jack) That’s the problem with poltergiests. Once you get them started, they never know when to stop. JACK How did you do that? MR. JOHNSON I didn’t do anything. It did it. JACK I don’t know. I’m a little skeptical. MR. JOHNSON Alright, come with me. I’ll prove it to you. As Mr. Johnson and Jack leave, they bump into a MUMMY walking into the living room. MR. JOHNSON Oops! Excuse me. Jack can’t believe his eyes. INT. THE JOHNSON’S KITCHEN - NIGHT Mr. Johnson takes Jack over to the refrigerator. MR. JOHNSON (opening the fridge door) Now look at this. (pulls out a bottle of blood) Would we keep a bottle of blood? He puts the blood back. MR. JOHNSON (CONT’D) And in the freezer is... He opens the door and a bunch of bats fly out. MR. JOHNSON (CONT’D) ...some bats. It’s not always bats. Sometimes it’s hissing cockroaches or rats. Don’t ask me why they don’t freeze in there. I can’t figure it out either. He shuts the freezer door and opens a cabinet drawer. He pulls out a severed head. MR. JOHNSON (CONT’D) Look at this. A severed head. We find these things all over. Usually they’re people we know. This is the old mailman I think. INT. JOHNSON’S HALLWAY - NIGHT On one side is a broom closet. On the other is the bathroom. Mr. Johnson opens the broom closet to find a WITCH holding onto a broom. MR. JOHNSON Now come on. How much more obvious can you get? He shuts the door. MR. JOHNSON (CONT’D) And over here in the bathroom is... He opens the bathroom door to find a VAMPIRE sitting on the toilet, reading the TV Guide. He gets slightly startled. VAMPIRE (Transylvanian accent) Hey! Can I get some privacy here? MR. JOHNSON Then lock the door!! Mr. Johnson slams the bathroom door shut. INT. JOHNSON’S GUEST ROOM - NIGHT The two walk in. On a wall it says in blood “I still know what you did last summer”. MR. JOHNSON Now this is your room. Mind the blood-stained walls. We’re in the process of fixing all those. JACK (shell-shocked and stuttering) Are there any g...g...ghosts in this room? MR. JOHNSON Just one to speak of. He comes out about midnight to five, give or take. He’s not much of a threat. Just doesn’t have a head. The ax that he carries is so blunt that even if he was to strike you in the middle of the night, it wouldn’t cause any really serious damage. Also, there’s a ghost out in the living room as well, but she’s just a little girl. You’ll hear her in the night moaning, well a combination of moaning and crying. Anyway, she has no arms. INT. JOHNSON’S BEDROOM - NIGHT As they walk in, we see a FEMALE GHOSTLY FIGURE fade away in the corner. MR. JOHNSON Now our room is pretty much haunt free with the exception of the monsters under the bed. JACK Are there monsters under my bed? MR. JOHNSON Oh no, no, no! There are some in your closet though. MRS. JOHNSON (OS) Honey, could you come here a moment. INT. JOHNSON’S LIVING ROOM - DAY The walls are oozing with green slime. Mrs. Johnson is there trying to clean it up. The mummy we saw earlier, is sitting down comfortably in a chair reading the “World Weekly News”. MR. JOHNSON What? What is it, dear? MRS. JOHNSON Look at this. Slime all over the place. MR. JOHNSON (to poltergiest) Alright, poltergiest. That’s enough. The chandelier at the top of the ceiling suddenly falls down. JACK (surprised) Ahhh! MR. JOHNSON That’s it. I’m calling Ghostbusters. Mr. Johnson goes over to the phone and starts dialing. JACK Hey, you know what. I think I’ll go spend the night over at that motel I saw on the way into town. Then tomorrow we can hook up later in the afternoon. MR. JOHNSON (talking on phone) Hello, Egon. Hey, I hate to bother you so late in the evening but we’ve got the oozing green slime on the walls again and... JACK So ah...I’ll just be seeing ya’. Goodbye! Jack storms out the door. MR. JOHNSON (talking on phone) ...No! I’m sure it’s not that new stucco. It’s... Another book is thrown at Mr. Johnson from out of nowhere. It hits the back of his head. MR. JOHNSON Dammit! BLACK OUT Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
