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Announcer.....Darrell Hammond Fitness Expert #1.....Will Forte Runner #1.....Maya Rudolph Runner #2.....Seth Meyers Fitness Expert #2.....Jeff Richards Fitness Expert #3.....Bernie Mac Runner #3.....Chris Parnell Wildebeest #1.....Horatio Sanz Wildebeest #2.....Tracy Morgan [Commercial begins by showing clips of runners in New York’s Central Park. Cut to the announcer (Hammond), whom is dressed in an expensive black suit and approaches a sidewalk where joggers have just ran by. Soft music plays in the background.] Announcer: Fitness...exercise...staying in shape...most Americans would agree that adherence to a strict regimen of daily physical activity would help them to look better, feel better, and have more energy during the day. However, many people lack the willpower to get out and run off the calories and cholesterol that are a detriment to their health and well-being. [Cut to close-up of the announcer’s face, as he stops walking.] Announcer: Well...not anymore my friend. We at the Loeber Fitness Group have developed a way to motivate people into running at faster paces for longer periods of time, a combination which is sure to help you achieve all your fitness goals. [Cut to a shot of the announcer walking up to Fitness Expert #1 (Forte), who is wearing a red jumpsuit and ski mask and is brandishing a makeshift knife.] Announcer: What’s our secret, you ask? We’ve hired a cadre of fitness experts, most of whom are ex-cons, which will strive to ensure that when you do step out onto the running track, you never stop running or even slow down or get tired, because guess what...they’ll be chasing you relentlessly with an intent to kill. That’s right...they’re all murderers. [Cut to a scene in a small room where a few men and women wearing lab coats scribble on clipboards and click stopwatches as a grizzled man in an orange prison uniform chases another man in circles around them and what appears to be cardboard boxes with fake, colored in computer screens and buttons.] Announcer V/O: At Loeber, we spent nearly a month observing the human condition under a number of ghastly scenarios before determining that people run the fastest for the longest periods of time when being pursued by a convicted murderer. [Nearing the end of the scene, the murderer catches the man, tosses him violently to the ground while knocking over some of the fake lab equipment, and begins choking and punching him repeatedly. Cut to a shot of Runner #1 (Rudolph) jogging slowly on a sidewalk with an exasperated, fatigued look upon her face.] Announcer V/O: Skeptical? Watch how this average, everyday business woman frustrated with exercising begins to increase her speed and running time when one of our specially-trained fitness experts applies the motivational techniques developed at the Loeber fitness labs. [As Runner #1 stops and catches her breath, a primal scream is heard from behind her and the camera pans to reveal that Fitness Expert #1 is running quickly towards her with the makeshift knife in one hand and a porno magazine in the other. As he chases her and barrels over several passers-by, she begins screaming wildly and runs off the sidewalk towards a wooded area. Instead of chasing her, he instead jumps on top of a man who he has run over and begins stabbing him.] Announcer V/O: Notice how adrenaline, coupled with a Darwinistic-like will to survive, drives our subject to run with reckless abandon, shaving off fives of calories each minute she experiences the utter and terrifying hell that accompanies running for ones precious life. [Cut to announcer walking in the park.] Announcer: I know what you men are thinking: "So it works for some puny woman scared of being raped by an unattractive convict. What about me?" Well, we at Loeber have many fitness experts who possess an unquenchable lust for male yuppie flesh who will gladly toss your salad...and lower your cholesterol count. [Cut to Runner #2 (Meyers) being chased by Fitness Expert #2 (Richards), who is naked from the waist down and wearing a leather mask and chain mail and wielding a battle axe.] Announcer V/O: (chuckles) That heavy battle axe won’t slow him down...his desire to put his evil man-seed inside of you will only make him go faster...and make you lose more of that flabby fat. [Cut to announcer approaching a bench in the park.] Announcer: For those people simply not scared of crazy white people...don’t worry, we’ve got ya covered. [Cut to Runner #2 being chased by Fitness Expert #3 (Bernie Mac), who is wearing baggy jeans, a white tank top, and a red bandanna.] Fitness Expert #3: (yelling) Come here you white motherf**ka! [After a few seconds, Fitness Expert #3 catches Runner #2 from behind and begins choking him. Cut to close-up of the attack.] Fitness Expert #3: Yeah motherf**ka...feel the wrath of the slave inside of me! You are my slave now, bitch! Say it...say it!!! Runner #2: Ok ok, I am your slave...I am your bitch! [SUPER: Black fitness experts may be faster than white fitness experts. Do not underestimate their speed, agility, or tenacity.] [Cut to announcer leaning on a tree in the park.] Announcer: As you can see, our human fitness experts are quite adept at forcing people to exercise to the best of their ability. But what about those fatsos who are not afraid of humans? [Cut to Runner #3 (Parnell) being chased by Wildebeest #1 (Sanz), who is covered with hair and waving his arms around erratically.] Announcer V/O: Not a problem. You see, Loeber has created genetically engineered wildebeest fitness experts that will scare any fatty billy bad-ass into running to stay alive...and fit. [Runner #3 is eventually caught and thrown behind some low-level bushes, where Wildebeest #1 can be seen tearing Runner #3’s arms off and eating into his neck and shoulders.] Runner #3: (screaming) Help me...help me!!! Oh god, my arms!!! Don’t eat that!!! [SUPER: Wildebeest fitness experts are much faster than human fitness experts and have 10 times less regard for human life.] [Cut to announcer standing in the park.] Announcer: So, if you are looking for an effective way to increase your chances for living a longer and healthier life, call us and schedule an appointment with one of our fitness experts...because at Loeber, all we care about...is fitness. [Wildebeest #2 (Morgan) walks up and puts his arm around the announcer.] Announcer: (startled) Oh god... [SUPER: Black wildebeests also available.] [Fade to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
