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Pastor Pordry.....Chris Parnell Offering Boy.....Horatio Sanz Brother Carter.....Seth Meyers Brother Jim.....Will Forte Brother Peter.....Ray Romano Sister Katy.....Amy Poehler Sister Katy’s Husband.....Dean Edwards [Scene starts with Pastor Pordry (Parnell), whom is wearing robe-like garb, standing knee-deep in water in his church’s baptismal. The water is there for submerging congregants in the traditional Southern Baptist manner. He begins the service by addressing the crowd as people are lined up to the left to be baptized.] Pastor Pordry: (speaking gracefully) Welcome, my Christian brothers and sisters, to our Sunday afternoon baptism service. As I am sure you are all aware, the baptism of new believers is a truly holy event that is experienced with much joy and gladness here at the First Baptist Church of Southhaven, and since this water I am standing in is actual holy water Fed Ex’ed from Israel, we will first take up an offering, since it cost quite a bit of money to purchase and ship. Oh, and we also need some dough to help pay for that new Jesus statue in the sunday school office that my wife bought on Ebay. (muttering to self) Boy did that cost a pretty penny...anyway...offering boy, please begin passing the plate around. [A beat as Pordry waits for the offering to be taken up.] Offering Boy: (yelling in a childish voice and running up to the stage) Pastor Pordry! Pastor Pordry! Brother Carter won’t give me any money again! He said he doesn’t have none because he spent it all on cigarettes and curse words and devil music at Target! [Cut to shot of Brother Carter (Meyers), who stands up amongst the congregation.] Brother Carter: (yelling) Hey you little brat! I didn’t say that! (now pleading, as if for his life) Listen Pastor Pordry, I lost my job last weekend because my boss said the war with Iraq was killing his stock portfolio, and he said if he laid me off he could buy a 50,000 dollar vase for his big rich house or, like, go to Vegas for gambling and hookers and whores... [Camera switches back to Pordry, who interrupts Brother Carter’s pleas.] Pordry: (sarcastically) Carter, you work at that antique shop by the turnpike, and I know your boss personally...he can’t even spell "portfolio" much less afford to go to Vegas. Guys...(looking to his right) get him out of here and call the police...he probably has crank on him or something. [Pordry winks at the ushers, who are wearing maroon blazers, as the camera pans to show them grabbing and carrying a yelling Brother Carter out of the church.] Carter: Hey! Get your hands out of my pocket! Deborah, call a lawyer! [Cut back to Pordry.] Pordry: (again gracefully) Anyway, back to our wonderful service, in which God has fervently blessed us to bestow upon our newest followers the gift of salvation through submersion in this holy water of Christ. (looking to his left) Brother Jim, why don’t you come on up here. [Brother Jim (Forte) walks into the water and stops to the right of Pordry.] Pordry: Son, are you a true believer of Christ? Brother Jim: Yes, Pastor Pordry... Pordry: Then tell me your social security number. Jim: It’s 995-97...woah, what? Pordry: What is your social security number, faithful believer in the true word of God almighty... Jim: Why do you want to know that? Pordry: Oh Brother Jim, you are so naive and uninitiated in the ways of the Lord. I must know your social security number so I can tell it to God...so he can make sure you’re not sinning. Jim: But why would God need my social security number to watch over me? Isn’t he all-knowing and all-powerful and... Pordry: (interrupting) Well then give me your credit card number. Jim: Why would you need... [Pordry quickly grabs Brother Jim by the head and nose and swiftly dunks him backwards in the water and holds him under, while Brother Jim is kicking and sprawling around, and begins praying sanctimoniously.] Pordry: Oh sweet heavenly Jesus almighty, bless this poor soul who refuses to give his all to you and cast aside his secret numbers of sinful indulgence... [Brother Jim fights free and springs up from the water soaking wet and gasping for breath.] Jim: What the hell kinda church is this??? I’m gettin’ outta here! [Brother Jim runs out of the baptismal and off-stage as quickly as he can.] Pordry: Guards, don’t let him get away. He’ll be slippery, so grab him with clenched fists. Oh damn, he’s getting away...(looking up and with hands folded) Oh God, let the usher’s hands be stealthy and grippy, so they may catch the infidel who has defiled our Israel water on this holiest of Sabbaths... [Heard in the background is what sounds like a man being tackled. Soon, sounds convey what appears to be punches, and Brother Jim is heard screaming. Everything soon settles down.] Pordry: Alright fellow brothers and sisters, I want to apologize for the behavior of Brother Jim. I only hope that Christ forgives him of the many sins he committed so egregiously today in front of such a holy gathering of His most magnificent servants. (looking to his left) Bring on the next new brother in Christ. [Brother Peter (Romano) enters.] Pordry: Hello son... Brother Peter: Listen, I’m not gonna give you my credit card number, ok? Pordry: (chuckles) Oh Brother Peter, I don’t want your credit card number because you are poor, and God doesn’t want poor people’s credit card numbers. However, (now speaking slyly) how about you give me the skinny on how to get my holy rod into your wife’s panties! (now talking to self) I bet they smell like cotton...or a freshly printed, just-released issue of Cat Fancy magazine...(sniffs in the air) mmm...oh yeah... Peter: You son of a bitch!!! [Pordry quickly grabs Brother Peter and forces him into the water, face forward, and holds him there while he prays as Brother Peter splashes and squirms.] Pordry: Oh holy Father, please give me the strength to kill this unrighteous evil-doer who doth make vile this holy place of worship... [Brother Peter gets away from Pordry’s grasp and rushes out of the water.] Peter: (yelling and unseen) Honey, I’m gonna make a run for it...don’t let Pordry’s goons near our kids! I’ll be two towns over...(a tackling sound and Brother Peter’s screams are heard) Pordry: (interrupting the commotion) And yet another sinner has been purged from the flock of true believers. Oh saints, praise the Lord for all of the... [Sister Katy (Poehler) walks into the baptismal and interrupts Pordry’s sermonizing. She is wearing tight cutoff jeans and a tied-off white shirt and is speaking in a heavy country accent.] Sister Katy: Pastor Pordry, can you please baptize me now so I can make my 2:00 appointment at Supercuts? Pordry: (obviously enamored with Sister Katy) Well...boiyoiyoing! (as he makes the sound, he puts his fist behind his robe at crotch level to simulate an erection) Hey, pretty lady...it looks as if this water just got a whole lot holier...with a few holes I’d like to explore! (starts to motion like he’s groping her) Katy: (offended) Pastor Pordry! That’s no way to talk to a lady! [Sister Katy’s husband (Edwards) rushes on-stage.] Sister Katy’s Husband: (angrily) Yeah, that’s no way to talk to my lady! Pordry: You mean...you two are married? Katy and her Husband: (simultaneously) Yeah!!! Pordry: (looking at Sister Katy’s husband) My, you are black, aren’t you? That’s a sin, isn’t it? (looks around quickly as if to find someone to corroborate) Katy’s Husband: Aww yeah...I’m gonna kick your ass now Pordry! [Sister Katy’s husband moves forward to grab Pastor Pordry, but Sister Katy rushes out of the water and steps in between them and forces her husband back towards the congregation.] Katy: Don't do it honey! It’s not worth it! Pordry: Guards, get this satanic aberration out of my sight! [The ushers swarm in to grab Sister Katy’s husband.] Katy’s Husband: (yelling as he is being grabbed) I’m not satanic you cracka! [Sister Katy’s husband screams more as he is taken off-screen.] Pordry: (interrupting his screams) Alright...now that this satanic cracker has been banished from our holy service, we can carry on with the baptizing of new believers. (he then looks to his left, as if he is being told something) What? Everyone’s ran away? And you let them get away??? Guards! Find and dispose of those godless bastards who have ruined the sanctity of our place of worship! (addressing the crowd) Everyone just stay put...we’ll continue this in just a minute. (now speaking to those to the left, as he walks towards them) How could you let those people out of your sight??? I told you the shackles would have been a good idea! [Pordry stomps off-stage as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
