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Patriotic Woman.....Rachel Dratch Cop #1.....Ray Romano Cop #2.....Jimmy Fallon V/O.....Chris Parnell (cut to: overly patriotic woman driving a car adorn with numerous flags and stickers reading “United We Stand” and “God Bless the USA”. She is singing a medley of tunes including the Star Spangled Banner, Proud To Be An American, and the only part of Born In The USA people know) V/O: Freedom (the word Freedom appears on the screen simultaneously in the color of an American flag.) (cut to: woman in the car who has lost control after one of her flags has completely covered the windshield. She veers off the road and over the bridge, crashing in the valley below.) V/O: It kills (“It kills” appears on the screen, not the color of an American flag, but instead a deep red color with droplets at the bottom.) (Pause) (cut to: battered woman driving the same car with obvious damage and a significantly fewer number of flags and stickers to match her number of teeth. The flags that are left are torn from the accident. She leans out of her window with a bottle of champagne which she begins pouring onto the road. We immediately hear sirens. She is pulled over by a cop who approaches the car.) Cop #1: (sternly) You been drinkin’? Woman: No, no officer. Cop #1: A likely story, mind steppin’ out of the car and taking this blood-alchohol test? (to partner) Damn, its 12 noon, we must have a full-fledged drunk on our hands. Woman: No, you have it all wrong….I wasn’t DRINKING it! No, quite the contrary. I was pouring the champagne out to show my LOVE for this country! Cop #2: That’s what all the drunkards say. Cop #1: (shaking his head in agreement and pulling out a notepad and a pen) We’re going to have to issue a ticket. Woman: No-please-Hey! Look, look at all of my flags! I have flags for proof! (the cops look at the car and see a beat-up piece of junk with torn up flags and backwards stickers. They look at each other and shake their heads.) V/O: Driving Under the Influence of…FREEDOM (again these words appear on the screen, freedom in flag colors.) (this appears on the screen as we see the woman being forced to walk in a straight line.) V/O: Paid for by French president Jacques Chirac. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
