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Father.....Darrell Hammond Danny.....Ashton Kutcher Carlson.....Jeff Richards Candi.....Amy Poehler [ Open with a shot of truck interior, father is seated at the wheel. A corporate parking pass is visible hanging from the rear view. Father is dressed in suit and tie, wearing distinguished sunglasses, and placing briefcase in the back seat as the son climbs into passenger side with school bag and baseball gear ] Father: So how was school today, Danny? Danny: [ noncommittally ] Good. Father: How'd you do at baseball practice today? Danny: Good. Father: Ah, c'mon. I know normally your mother picks you up, but I was thinking today we could have a little father-son time. [ brief pause ] You sure you don't want to talk? [ Danny nods ] Alright, I can't force you… [ flips on radio, shlocky folk song plays ] Danny: Dad, why couldn't you just pick me up in a normal car? Father: Wha.. I drive this thing all the time! Danny: I know! It's kind of hard to miss a monster truck on these streets. [ cut to show monster truck driving down residential street. Cut back to inside truck, a traffic light skims the top of the windshield ] Father: Ok, so it's higher than a usual car, but it still drives, right? Danny: Dad, no one else on the team is picked up in a car that says "The Morgue Monstrosity" on the side. Father: [ adamantly ] That name was your mother's idea. I wanted to call it "The Brain Smotherer," or possibly "Super Thunder Ultra Dragon," but I'll admit, she had some persuasive arguments in that back seat. Danny: Dad! Father: [ in a calm, conversational voice ] Nothing turns her on like the sputtering of a 2000 horse power, 565 cubic inch Supercharged Dodge HEMI, the 8 KS Nitro shocks and 4-link suspension. Why just last night she and I went… Danny: That's great, dad. [ another traffic light deflects off the top of the car ] I am proud to say that my parents have a very active and imaginative sex life. Father: [ chuckling, and pretending to crack a whip ] You don't know the half of it. [ sobering ] The real reason I picked you up, though, [ truck pulls over and stops ] is because you turned sixteen yesterday, and well, I thought maybe you'd like to try driving. Danny: Really? Father: Sure, come on over [ son hops out, father climbs into passenger seat ] Your mother and I decided that the most important thing to us is your safety, and you can't be any safer than inside the Morgue Monstrosity. [ son climbs in on driver side ] Let me go over the controls for you. [ leans over and points out features ] Gear shift, windshield wipers, turn signal, nitrogen boosts, flame jets, point I should make here, we actually aren't allowed to use those within three miles of the town. It's unfair… just because I accidentally torched the old mill house doesn't mean they had to go and do that. I mean, Eric Carlson still gets to use his on "The Rhinosaur" and his are three feet longer… Anyway, down on the floor you have the gas pedal, brake, clutch, and one that just makes smoke come out of the engine, not really all that useful but it came standard. Now, shift it out of park and we're going to just start rolling down the road. Keep it under control, not too fast now, just start easy, now put your blinker on to turn left… Danny: Which one was that again? Father: The stick on the left of the steering wheel. [ Danny flips something and a loud screaming sound starts getting played in a loop ] Father: No… the other one… [ Danny flips something else and lasers start shining all over the truck ] Father: I forgot we had those installed, now what you're trying to find is the… [ Danny keeps hitting gadgets, the sound is still playing while the wipers turn on, a few loud smoke jets fire off right in front of the windshield and a voice track screaming "Morgue Mon-Mon-Monstrossssssssity!" loops. Father finally reaches over, turns off all the extras and hits the turn signal ] Father: It's this one. [ leans out window ] Sorry about that Mrs. Weldmann! Just teaching the boy to drive this thing. Yes, yes I know about not using the flame jets, we're not going to burn your garden down again. [ leans back in ] Alright, just ease into the turn, don't worry, you're doing fine, turn just a bit more, watch out for that… [ show stock footage of monster truck going off a ramp ] [ cut back to inside view as they get jostled a bit and crunching sound gets played ] Danny: Sorry… Father: Don't worry about it, the Stevens haven't been able to sell that Nova for years, it was bound to get smushed into a metal flapjack one way or another… now, let's just reverse to get back on the road… easy, easy… turn a little more, you know, weevil infestations have been really up this year, those tomato plants wouldn't have lasted long regardless… alright, and we're back on the road… Now lets just take it easy here, keep it under control, watch the speed limit, take a right up here… easy does it, there you go, see you took that turn fine, you're getting the hang of this Danny: Thanks dad. Hey, there's Katie up ahead. [ truck comes to a stop, Danny leans out a window ] Hey, Katie! Look what I'm driving! [ turns on the "Morgue Mon-Mon-Monstrossssssssity!" voice track ] Isn't this thing great? [ turns off sound ] Father: Let's keep going, you can't have any passengers for another two months. [ looks out his window ] Hi Mrs. Elwood, just showing the kid how to drive. Got it. No flame jets. Your laundry is safe, ma'am. [ back in ] Let's go Danny: See you at school tomorrow! [ leans back in ] Father: You're doing good, ok, there's a stoplight coming up… Steady now, brake, there! [ looks to right ] What is this? Carlson? [ shot of interior of the Rhinosaur, Van Halen is playing. Carlson and Candi, his girlfriend, are seated inside both dressed like trailer trash. Candi is ferociously chewing on some gum ] Carlson: Ruuuuunning with the Deeevil… Hey look, it's McWilliams! Candi: Who does he think he is, with that suit, and that job anyway? [ cut back to interior of Morgue Monstrosity, father and sons heads turn as they watch the rhinosaur cross the intersection ] Father: The flame jets. The flame jets… What a bastard. As soon as that light turns green, follow him. There.. go, go, go [ traffic light bumps into top of windshield as they drive under it ] [ cut back to Rhinosaur ] Carlson: They're chasing us! Let's show em who's boss round here [ voice track plays "Rhiiinosauuur!" ] [ cut back to Morgue Monstrosity ] Father: Play the voice track! Danny: Which one was it, again? [ lasers turn on ] Father: The next one [ lasers turn off, "Morgue Mon-Mon-Monstrossssssssity!" plays ] [ cut to Rhinosaur, Candi is starring quizzically at her fingernails ] Carlson: Hold tight babe, I'm hittin' that ramp! [ stock footage of monster truck going off ramp ] [ cut to Morgue Monstrosity ] Danny: Wow, that was a school bus! Father: Don't be fooled by Carlson's stupid tricks, the Monstrosity is engineered better than that piece of refuse. See that ramp on the left… take it with everything you got [ cut to Rhinosaur, Candi is removing bubble gum from her hair, Carlson is staring in rear view ] Carlson: Oh! No WAY! [ cut to Morgue Monstrosity, both passengers are bouncing from the gathering speed ] Danny: I can't keep this up that much longer, dad! Father: You're doing great, just a little more, little more, and… [ cut to Rhinosaur, Candi is looking at her overapplied make-up with a compact ] Candi: Sweetie, didn't you park the trailer over there? [ stock footage of monster truck going off a ramp ] [ cut to interior of Morgue Monstrosity, they have frozen expressions as the truck arcs through the air, and suddenly bounce as a thumping landing sound is played ] [ cut to interior of Rhinosaur. Carlson pulls of dirty baseball hat to wipe forehead with equally dirty arm ] Carlson: They just cleared my trailer… at least it's alri… [ foosh of a flame jet is heard ] Come on! They can't use those for another two miles! That's my trailer he's burning! [ cut to interior of Morgue Monstrosity, Father and Son are smiling ] Father: You did good today, Danny, you did good. Let's go get some burgers. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
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