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Chris Matthews.....Darrell Hammond Christopher Hitchens.....Jimmy Fallon Christiane Amanpour.....Maya Rudolph Michael Moore.....Jeff Richards Jesse Ventura.....Chris Parnell John Stossel.....Fred Armisen Paul Begala.....Chris Kattan Wolf Blitzer.....Will Forte Al Sharpton.....Tracy Morgan Seth Meyers.....Contestant 1 Rachel Dratch.....Contestant 2 SCENE BEGINS WITH NORMAL VIDEO INTRODUCTION AND MUSIC PLAY IN OF HARDBALL CUT TO CHRIS MATTHEWS SITTING AT HIS DESK AS THE MUSIC FADES Chris Matthews: (loudly) Good evening everyone and welcome to a special edition of Hardball! I have personally decided for May sweeps that we're going to change the format of our show a little bit, but don't you worry my friends we'll still be talking about current events and popular stories of the day! The difference is that instead of me and my guest just screaming at each other for sixty minutes, me and my guests will be screaming at each other for sixty minutes while contestants try to win oodles of money and valuable prizes! And now its time to play the Harball Squares! And let's meet the squares now! First up is Christopher Hitchens from Vanity Fair Magazine. Christopher Hitchens: Hello, Chris. Nice to be back. Chris Matthews: You won't be saying that in a little while, Mr. Chips. Next up is CNN field reporter and resident she-devil, Christiane Amanpeir....? Wait...that can't be right. (Looking at his notes) Amanpear...? Amanpure...? Hey chicky, What the hell is your last name? Christiane Amanpour: Amanpour... Chris Matthews: Right. Listen sunshine, I'm just going to call you Chris Evert for the remainder of the show if that's okay. Christiane Amanpour: Why is that? Chris Matthews: Because you look like a butch women's tennis player anyway. Christiane Amanpour: What did you say? Chris Matthews: I said you look like an ugly Bond villainess, the kind even Timothy Dalton wouldn't have sex with. Next up is liberal book writer, filmmaker, and smart-ass. Please welcome Michael Moore. Michael Moore: (holding his Oscar) Thank you, Chris. I'd just like to start out by saying that my book, "Stupid White Men", is still going strong and is still near the top of most best sellers lists. And I would personally like to thank all my fans who have helped keep it near the top. Chris Matthews: Still on the best sellers, huh? I'm not surprised. Just look at your competition. Your main rivals in literature these days are Harry f*cking Potter and the "Blank" for Dummies books. Michael Moore: Wait, Harry Potter is a fictional book. Chris Matthews: I rest my case. Next on the show is a new recruit to MSNBC, former governor of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura. Jesse Ventura: Hi, Chris. I know Arnold Schwartzenegger. We did some movies together. Chris Matthews: Yes, I know. You keep telling me of that fact every ten minutes since I've met you. So shut it! Next from ABC's 20/20, a man so wimpy he makes Paul Begala look like Arnold Swartzenegger, here's John Stossel. John Stossel: Good to be here, Chris. Chris Matthews: No, thank you! It's nice that your mommy Barbara Walters let you take off time from being her personal bitch to let you come on the show tonight. John Stossel: C'mon Chris! GIVE ME A BREAK! Chris Matthews: Next on the show, you know him, you hate him, you can't live without him. From CNN's Crossfire, Here's Paul Begala. Paul Begala: Hi, Chris. I would just like to start tonight's show by saying welcome to John Stossel. Finally, there is someone on the show that even I can make fun of. Chris Matthews: Dream on, you ninny. Next up, also from CNN, is anchorman Wolf Blitzer. Wolf Blitzer: Hello there, Chris. Chris Matthews: Hello, yourself. I've waited a long time to have you on the show--just so I could out you on the fact that your parents couldn't have smoked enough dope to actually name you Wolf Blitzer. Wolf Blitzer: I'm sorry to disappoint you Chris, but Wolf Blitzer is my real name. Chris Matthews: Please. I've seen better names in porno movies. If your name is actually Wolf Blitzer, then I'm Dick Longfellow. Wolf Blitzer: Dick Longfellow? I used to work with him... Chris Matthews: I'm not surprised. Second to last but certainly least, From New York City, here's Al Sharpton. Al Sharpton: This is an outrage! Chris Matthews: You're telling me! If it wasn't for all the money I make talking to you idiots, I would have had nothing to do with any of you a long time ago! Al Sharpton: Chris, I'm not talking about your money. I'm talking about the Bush administration's repeal of affirmative action policy. Chris Matthews: So you believe in special treatment, huh? Al Sharpton: Absolutely. Chris Matthews: We'll let me tell you something, Barry White. If you don't mind your P's and Q's tonight I'll give you some special treatment. In fact, I'll affirmatively take some action and put my foot up your ass! Al Sharpton: This is still an outrage! Chris Matthews: Sorry, BeBe. Finally, in the center square, a woman whose face is so tight, my kids could use her as a backyard trampoline. From the E! Entertainment News channel, here's Ms. Joan Rivers. Joan Rivers: (Ana Gasteyer) Tramp! Did you just call me a tramp? Chris Matthews: No, I just called you a trampoline! I don't know why you didn't hear me. I thought dogs had good senses of hearing. You're half border-collie, aren't ya! Joan Rivers: Listen, Chris. If anyone's going to make jokes at my expense...it's going to be me! Stop stealing my act! Chris Matthews: I'm sorry, but it's just so damn easy. You have had so much plastic surgery your eyes are on the opposite sides of your head. You look like a damn rainbow trout! But I love you anyway, because you're ruthless like me and you know how to play Hardball! THE PLAYING BOARD IS FINALLY SHOWN WITH 9 TV CUBES OF THE PANELISTS FACES ON THE SCREEN IN THE FORM OF THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES GAME SHOW CUT BACK TO CHRIS Chris Matthews: Okay, let's meet our lucky contestants. (looking to his right) Mr. "X", who the hell are you? Contestant 1: I'm Jack Miller. And I'm a third grade teacher from Toledo, Ohio. Chris Matthews: Yawn. (looking to his left) Ms. "O", who the hell are you? Contestant 2: Im Joan Ervin. And I'm a fourth grade teacher from Cleveland, Ohio. Chris Matthews: Small world. Now here's how we play the Hardball Squares. When it's your turn, you will pick a panelist. I will then ask that panelist a question about current events. The panelist will answer the question and then you will either agree or disagree with the panelist's answer based on whether or not I agree or disagree with the panelist's answer. You players must match 3 of our panelists in a straight line either vertically, horizontally or diagonally. You do this and you win the round. Whenever you hear Paul Begala crying like a little girl in his cube, that means the game is over. I asked both of the contestants a question backstage whether or not they thought Saddam Hussein was alive or dead. Jack, you had the correct answer. You go first. Contestant 1: Joan Rivers, please. Chris Matthews: Hey Joan! Do you believe that "B" stars such as yourself have any right to criticize our government during times of war? Joan Rivers: Of course we do, Chris. Take that tramp Madonna for instance. She had every right to make that anti-war video she made, but she still says that she supports our troops and naval officers. And she should know, she's had her fill of "seamen". Contestant 1: I agree. Chris Matthews: You are correct. "X" gets the square. The bill of rights protects everyone, including nympho-whores like Madonna. Joan, it's your pick! Contestant 2: Michael Moore, please. Chris Matthews: Hey, Michael. Straight up, Does Iraq have weapons of mass destruction. Michael Moore: In all honesty, Yes. Contestant 2: I personally disagree. Chris Matthews: Well sunshine, you're personally wrong! Remember it's not what you think, it's what I think that matters! (to Michael) Hey, michael. I'm A little surprised by your answer. I thought you pinkos didn't think Saddam had WMD's. Michael Moore: Of course Saddams has WMD's. Reagan and Bush sold him most of them during the nineteen eight... MICHAEL MOORE'S PICTURE QUICKLY TURNS INTO A COLOR BAR TST PATTERN AND A LOUD LONG BUZZ IS HEARD. THE SCREEN THEN TURNS TO STATIC AND WHITE NOISE Chris Matthews: (Holding a severed cable wire and knife)- We seem to have lost Michael Moore's sattelite feed. We'll try to get him back before the next round. "X" gets the square. Your turn Jack Contestant 1: Paul Lynde, for the win please. Paul Begala: I am not Paul Lynde, I'm Paul Begala. Chris Matthews: Same difference, you wimp. Same fruit, different tree. Now here's your question. Who would win in a fight between you and p-whipped republican John Stossel. Paul Begala: C'mon Chris. That's not a real question. Chris Matthews: My show, my questions. Answer the question. Jesse Ventura: (piping up) Me and Arnie could kick both of their asses. John Stossel: You're all talk, Jesse. Jesse Ventura: Is that so! Don't make me come over there! I'll slap you harder than that other wrestler did on 20/20. I'll slap you so hard, I'll turn you back into a liberal. Chris Matthews: OH-HO! Now were playing some Hardball! (to Paul) Come on Paul, answer the question. Paul Begala: I would win because of reach advantage. Contestant 1: I disagree. Chris Matthews: Jack you are correct. The fight would end in a first round double knockout setting up the second fight in Manila. "X" gets the square and the round! And now it's time for the secret square round! AN UNKNOWN VOICE IS HEARD COMING THROUGH MICHAEL MOORE'S STATIC FILLED CUBE Unknown voice: WRONG! Chris Matthews: What?! Unknown voice: WRONG! Chris Matthews: Who the hell is saying that? Show yourself. THE PICTURE CLEARS UP TO SHOW DANA CARVEY AS JOHN MCLAUGHLIN OF THE MCLAUGHLIN GROUP Chris Matthews: John Mclauglin?! John McLaughlin: (Dana Carvey) Yes, it is I John Mclaughlin, star of the only screaming political talking heads news program that matters, The Mclauglin Group. I came to tell you to stop stealing my format and to tell your audience that The Mclauglin Group is on most of your local PBS stations, sponsored by the Archer Daniels Midland Corporation. Archer Daniels Midland Corporation-WE'RE BIG CORN!!! Chris Matthews: You can't do this! This is MSNBC! John McLaughlin: WRONG! MSNBC was just purchased in a hostile takeover by PBS and has been made public domain. Next issue! Is it time to start the SNL show? Some people believe this sketch is starting to run thin of jokes, while others still think it has legs. What do you think?...Christopher Hitchens! Christopher Hitchens: It still has legs, but.. John McLaughlin: WRONG! Al Sharpton! Al Sharpton: OUTRAGEOUS!!! John McLaughlin: WRONG! Joan Rivers! Joan Rivers: It is time to start the show, John. Not only because the sketch is thin, the skin on my face is beginning to loosen and run down my skull because of all the hot lights. John McLaughlin: You are correct, Ms. Rivers. It is time to start the show, which I will do now by saying, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
