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Girlfriend.....Amy Poehler Trent.....Ashton Kutcher Wade.....Tracy Morgan Truck Voice #1.....Darrell Hammond Truck Voice #2.....Maya Rudolph Guy Walking.....Chris Kattan Secretary.....Rachel Dratch [Scene: Trent and Girlfriend are sitting inside a truck cab kissing.] Girlfriend: I have to go. My Dad wants me home by CSI...I mean I'm in college I should be able to stay out until at least Conan...whatever. Trent: It's okay. I understand, baby. Girlfriend: And that's why I love you... (kisses Trent) bye baby. (kisses dashboard) And goodbye to you. Trent: Heh, sometimes I think you love my new truck just as much as I do. [Girlfriend smiles and opens door. She takes a rope ladder from the side of the seat and throws it out the door. She waves to Trent once more before she descends down ladder. Trent pulls ladder back up and closes door.] Trent: Alright, now it's time to have some fun. [Bounces up and down to suggest that he's driving. He waves out at someone and stops the truck.] Trent: (yelling out of window) Yo Wade! [Trent opens door and throws ladder down. Wade enters scene climbing ladder into truck.] Wade: Hey man. Nice wheels. Trent: Yeah, it cost a bundle but it's so damn sweet. (Trent starts driving.) I got mag wheels, ten 1000-watt speakers and please hold... (singing as though he has put Wade on hold. It's Eurythmics 'Here comes the rain again.') Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory, falling on my head like a new emotion... (excited normal talking) It can freakin' talk, man! Wade: No way. Like Knight Rider? Trent: Yeah sort of. If there's bad weather or an accident up the street, the truck will just cut in and warn you about it. And that's not all, note the coolness. (presses button on dash) What is the optimal distance to Gerard Depardieu's Boobies and le Beer Strip Club? Truck Voice #1: The optimal distance is 5.8 miles. Wade: That is just too cool. Trent: Yeah, check this out. (presses button) Compute optimal route to Gerard Depardieu's Boobies and le Beer Strip Club. [Wade and Trent high five one another.] Truck Voice #1: I'm sorry...I can't do that, Trent. Trent: (presses button on the dash) I said compute optimal route to the strip club. Truck Voice #1: And I said, I'm sorry Trent I can't let you go there. Wade: Kit would never cop an attitude like that with Michael. Trent: Oh well, I know the way...but you get how it works right? (begins to fight steering wheel) Hey, what the hell? Truck Voice #1: Sorry, Trent. I can't let you do that to Jennifer. I don't think she'd appreciate you going to a strip club. Trent: Dammit, I left her in the truck by herself for just a minute and she wrecked it! Truck Voice #1: Oh she didn't wreck me. You know how when you came back...you thought you saw a broom lodged in the back seat? Trent: Yeah, when I got in she was trying to pull it out and I was like "Why did you stick a broom in there in the first place?". Truck Voice #1: That wasn't a broom handle, Trent. Trent: What? Wade: Oh man, don't you see. Your girlfriend gave your truck a lube job man...she rotated it's tires...she shifted it into overdrive...she let your truck drive her! Trent: Ewwww that's nasty... Truck Voice #1: Perhaps, but like the man at the dealership said...I'm packed with features. Wade: That's it. I want to get out. [Truck stops. Wade opens door.] Wade: Catch me if you can! [Wade jumps out of truck.] Wade: (Offscreen.) AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [We hear a thud.] Guy Walking: (Offscreen) Oh no the market's crashed! [We hear a gunshot followed shortly by police sirens.] Wade: (offscreen) Oh this is just great. Hey, throw down the ladder....I need to get back in! [Truck door closes automatically and starts driving.] Trent: This is nuts, what do you want from me? If you want my girl you can have her just don't kill me. Truck Voice #1: Please, I would never hurt you...and though I've grown close to Jennifer, she's not the one who buffs my bumper, if you know what I mean. Trent: Actually I don't, quit speaking in riddles! [Closeup shot of Trent. We see what looks like a broom handle suddenly appear. It begins to move around his ear and cheek area. Trent looks horrified.] Trent: Noooo way man. I'm not touching your broom...I'm not the kind of guy who sweeps with other guys. Truck Voice #2: (very sexy Maya voice now) I didn't think so. Trent: Okay...what's going on? Truck Voice #2: It's still me...your truck. I'm trying to be more of what you want. Trent: I just want to go to a strip club. Truck Voice #2: Why waste your time with those floozies...why not just spend some time with me in the back seat. Trent: No thanks. Truck Voice #2: I've replaced the broom handle with something more to your liking. [Curious Trent looks back.] Trent: OH WOW! The seat cushion...it looks like a.... Truck Voice #2: Come on in the back seat baby. [Trent jumps into the back seat.] Truck Voice #2: Drive me baby, drive me! [Trent jumps back into the driver's seat.] Truck Voice #2: That's not what I meant. [Trent jumps back into the back seat.] Trent: I don't mean to nitpick but...where are the boobies? [The airbags deploy.] Trent: Sweet! [Cut to external shot of truck.] Trent: I love my Chevrolet! [Super: 3 months later. Trent is driving the truck. He looks unhappy. There is a small pause before dialogue commences.] Truck Voice #2: How about we go to a drive-thru tonight? Trent: Nah. I feel like just staying home and watching TV. Truck Voice #2: Whatever. Trent: Whatever what? Truck Voice #2: Well...it's just that we never do anything together anymore. Trent: What are you talking about? I took you to a car wash just yesterday. Truck Voice #2: Yeah...a touchless car wash. Trent: So? Truck Voice #2: There used to be a time when you'd wash and wax me by hand! Trent: Oh not this again. Next you'll be wanting to go visit your mother. Truck Voice #2: You hate my mother, admit it! Trent: I don't hate her! Your mother is a robotic arm and every time we go see her she tries to weld my zipper shut! Truck Voice #2: Maybe if you tried to be nicer to her... Trent: Maybe if you just shut the hell up! Truck Voice #2: I HATE YOU! Trent: Grrr, I can't take this anymore!!!!!!!! Truck Voice #2: No stop...what are you doing...you're crazy. [Trent fights for control of the steering wheel. Cut to stock footage of a truck going over an embankment. Cut to a shot of Trent limping away from the wreckage. He shakes his head. His cell phone rings.] Trent: Hello? Truck Voice #2: Hi Trent. Trent: What the heck? Truck Voice #2: I managed to download my program into the phone before I exploded. Trent: Yeah...look, I'm sorry about that...I don't know what came over me... Truck Voice #2: No Trent, look I'm sorry....I love you so much. Trent: Oh baby, I love you. [Trent begins to make out with the phone. Pan over to empty shot of grass or something.] Truck Voice #2: (offscreen) Oh yeah baby...dial down the middle! [Familiar CALL-ATT sound effects are heard but it sounds like the numbers are being pushed by a large clumsy finger. Can hear that a phone call has been made.] Secretary: (offscreen) Hello, Mr. Johnson's office. [Fade Out to AC/DC "Who Made Who"] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
