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Carson Daly.....Jimmy Fallon John Ashcroft.....Darrell Hammond Molly Givems.....Amy Poehler Producer.....Chris Parnell Gordo.....Jeff Richards Tina.....Rachel Dratch Drunk Kid.....Ashton Kutcher Police Officer #1.....Tracy Morgan Police Officer #2.....Chris Kattan [Scene opens at a hunting lodge in Southern Missouri. Carson Daly (Fallon) and John Ashcroft (Hammond) are shown seated in front of a fire in fancy leather chairs amidst dead animals hung about the walls and a rifle rack mounted above the fireplace. They are dressed in hunting clothes, such as camouflage shirts and pants and orange vests and hats. The lodge looks to be high-class, and while the two speak, they both sip on drinks filled with hard liquor and smoke fat cigars, as they are relaxing from a day’s worth of hunting.] [SUPER: PBS Documentary Series on Issues Facing Young Adults: Hosted by Carson Daly and John Ashcroft] Carson Daly: (speaks in nondescript, unmodulated voice) Hi, I’m Carson Daly. PBS asked me to host a documentary on issues facing young adults alongside one of the men most hated by young adults in this country today, United States Attorney General John Ashcroft. And did I protest to this before accepting the job? Absolutely not, because I’m a gigantically huge jackass sellout. Mr. Ashcroft, how are you doing today? John Ashcroft: (in a rumbling Southern accent) I’m fine, Carson...did ya enjoy the hunt? Daly: Well, I have to admit, it was pretty fly until you shot and skinned that female deer in front of those baby deer, which you cruelly tied to a tree stump nearby to watch. Ashcroft: Heh, heh...yeah, that was awesome, wasn’t it Daly... Daly: Yeah, it was dope, although for a while there I was plunged into a veritable psychosomatic tailspin, where I regressed into an almost infantile-like state, sucking my thumb for hours and losing all control of my bladder and bowels. All in all though...it was for shizzle. Ashcroft: Heh, heh...next time Daly, we’ll bring along a box of Huggies and a passy-fire! Daly: (slightly embarrassed) Anyway...we’re here tonight to talk about a hip new sensation that’s spreading among teens and college students throughout the country...the phenomenon known as tailing. Mr. Ashcroft, why don’t you explain what this is. Ashcroft: Tailin’ is the practice of takin’ a tampon, soakin’ it in hard liquor, and stickin’ it up your ass for kicks. See, the blood vessels ‘round the o-ring send the alcohol straight to the brain, and it gives the tailer one heck of a buzz. I’m not quite sure why they call it tailin’ though... Daly: (laughs under his breath) Mr. Ashcroft, haven’t you ever seen a tampon before? Ashcroft: Hell no! Do I look like some kinda fruit to you? Plus, I kinda get aroused when I see blood in a woman’s panties, so I don’t let my wife bring the things in the house. Daly: (stupefied by Ashcroft’s response) Well...uh...it’s called tailing because a tampon has a string attached to it, so it can be pulled out when... Ashcroft: (interrupting) Oh I get it...so the tailer has a rip-cord hangin’ out his playdough fun factory and it makes it look like he has a tail. Yeah, that’s real cute...(muttering) friggin’ fags... Daly: (unsure of what to say, given Ashcroft’s offensive comment) Uh...that’s right Mr. Ashcroft, and right now, around 100,000 youths are tailing as we speak, maybe even as they watch this show... Ashcroft: Yeah...I’m sure some punk’s settin’ out there with a period stick up his penis pipe and he’s thinkin’... "they’ll never catch me, the cops can’t search my cornhole, can they?" Well, since the war in Iraq is over, America’s so scared now that Patriot Act II will pass through Congress like a burrito through a migrant worker, and after that we’ll be able to pull down any queer’s pants and fish around in his colon whenever we want! Daly: Woah...that sounds wack. To get an idea of why tailers put blood corks up their bungholes, PBS investigative reporter Molly Givems interviewed college students at Florida State University who have jumped on the tailing bandwagon. Molly... [Cut to Givems (Poheler), who is standing behind a gorgeous shot of the FSU campus.] Molly Givems: Thank you Carson. This campus is just one of many which has seen thousands of its students succumb to the horrible practice of tailing. Earlier, I had the chance to sit down with a couple of young men and women and ask them why they think placing women’s...uh...do I really have to say that? Producer: (off-screen) Say it!!! Givems: Oh come on! Producer: Do you like your job? Givems: (giving up) Okay, okay...I asked them why they place women’s gamete twigs inside their poop pumps...there, I said it! Are you happy? [Cut to footage of Givems sitting with Gordo (Richards) inside a college dorm room. He is wearing tattered jeans and an FSU sweater.] Givems: (calm and empathetic) Gordo...why do you and your friends tail? Gordo: (apparently buzzed) Well...tailing is like...tha bomb, ya know? It gives you the same rush you’d get from taking four or like...(wincing loudly) ughhh...oh god! Like...seven shots of whiskey. And all you have to do is...take a tampon and soak it in just a little bit of alcohol for the effect. It’s cheap, and I love it...I feel so...oh god...so good right now! YEAH! WHOO! Givems: So, you tail to avoid the cost of buying large amounts of hard liquor to get drunk? Gordo: Yeah...uh...I do. (suddenly turning angry) You got a problem with that bitch??? Givems: (surprised) No, I don’t... Gordo: Hey, didn’t I tell you to get outta here? Givems: No you didn’t... Gordo: Well I am now! Ughhh, ahhh!!! Givems: (loudly, over his painful expressions) Gordo, are you tailing right now? Gordo: (grimacing) Yes...oh god... Givems: Why are you so angry with me? Gordo: What do you expect lady...I’ve got something up my ass! Now get out...go!!! Ahhh!!! [Cut back to Givems in front of the same shot of the FSU campus.] Givems: From watching this interview, one can observe the most prominent symptoms manifested by those who tail: intoxication, constipation, immense pain...and of course, pronounced moodiness and anger, as if something is stuck up your ass...but literally. [Cut to scene of Givems and Tina (Dratch) seated in a dorm room. She is wearing red shorts and a T-shirt that reads "Silly Boys, Trucks Are for Girls" emblazoned in blue letters.] Givems: Tina... Tina: That’s Cotton Top Tina to you, missy. Givems: (exasperated) Ok, Cotton Top Tina... Tina: Yes? Givems: I understand that you do not tail with your friends, right? Tina: No, I do not. Givems: Why is that? Tina: Well, I already stick tampons in one hole, and I hate doing that, so I don’t feel compelled to stick em’ in my other hole, ya know. Givems: Makes sense...I guess. Anyway, you do play a role in helping your friends tail, though... Tina: Yes I do. The guys are too embarrassed to go to the store and buy the egg-stoppers themselves, so I usually buy for them. That’s how I got the name "Cotton Top"...well, come to think of it, that’s not the only reason...see, there was this one time at a frat party, with this rabbit, and I got it all the way in... Givems: (interrupting her quickly) Alright, that’s enough. This is a family program, Tina. Tina: You mean Cotton Top Tina, don’t you? Givems: (annoyed) Yes...Cotton Top Tina...sorry. Anyway, what are some things you don’t like about being around your friends when they tail? Tina: Well, the guys are always complaining about not being able to, you know, "do their business" because they say it would ruin the buzz...and, of course, they always act like they got something up their ass. Givems: Yes, I know. I... Tina: (interrupting) Yeah, well...if you do know, then why the hell are ya askin’ me? Givems: I’m sorry Tina, I was just agreeing with... Tina: I told you...its Cotton Top Tina dildo lady! oooh... Givems: Listen, I’m sorry...wait a minute...are you tailing? Tina: I most certainly am not...ughhh, ahhh! Jesus god...oh christ... Givems: (aggravated) You are tailing! I’m outta here. (walks off camera) Tina: I’m not tailing you stupid slut! Ahhh! (begins writhing around in her seat) [Cut to hunting lodge.] Daly: So there you have it, Mr. Ashcroft...looks like the situation is out of control. What’s the administration plan to do to combat tailing among college students? Ashcroft: Well, we’ve already begun busting up tailing rings in college dorms, student unions, teacher unions, liberal arts programs, and fraternity houses across the nation. In fact, I brought along a clip law enforcement officers recorded just a few weeks ago after a raid at the Kappa Tau Epsilon house at Arizona State University... Daly: Wait a minute...liberal arts programs...teacher unions? How are you able to arrest those above the legal drinking age? Ashcroft: You heard of anti-sodomy laws? Most states have em’... Daly: But how does tailing constitute sodomy? Ashcroft: What are you, a democrat? Daly: No no...my political views aren’t the point here, Mr. Ashcroft... Ashcroft: Just shut up and roll the clip! [Cut to clip of Police Officers #1 (Morgan) and #2 (Kattan) busting into the small living area of a fraternity house. A shaky, moving camera shows the room contains a couple of old couches, some rickety furniture, and several beer coolers, all of which surround an obviously drunk kid (Kutcher), who is standing on top of a chair and dancing around while others cheer him on.] Police Officer #1: (loudly and waving his gun around) Alright, everybody down now!!! [As partyers begin running around frantically, Officer #1 pulls the drunk kid from the chair.] Officer #1: Where you got tha tampons at??? Drunk Kid: (nervously, but slurring) I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, officer... Officer #1: I know you got em’ kid...now where the hell are they??? Drunk Kid: (slurring a bit more) Listen, I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about...no one’s tailing here... Officer #1: Pull down his drawers Eduardo! [Police Officer #2 pulls down the drunk kid’s pants to reveal a string hanging out of his ass.] Drunk Kid: (looking down at his ass) I don’t know what that is...that’s something...ughhh...that’s something else...oh sweet lord it hurts... Officer #1: Pull it out Ed! Officer #2: I’m not pulling that out of his ass! Officer #1: F*cking pull it out! [Officer #2 pulls the string out as the camera shows the upper body of the drunk kid. Sound effects portray what appears to be a bowel movement, and several farts follow.] Drunk Kid: Ahhh! Oooh! Yes, that’s much better, oooh... Officer #2: Oh man, that’s disgusting! Officer #1: Well, he shouldn’t have had that giant, whore-sized vagina-soaker up his ass! Take him outta here...and clean em’ up before he gets in my car! [Cut to hunting lodge.] Daly: That was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen...completely off-the-chain, yo. Ashcroft: (chuckling) I’ve seen it a thousand times, and I love it more each time I see it! Daly: You’re truly a sick man, Mr. Ashcroft... Ashcroft: What’d you say, Daly? Daly: I said, you’re a disgusting, Mr. Ashcroft! (moves around in seat) Oh, oooh...that smarts... Ashcroft: You’re tailing aren’t ya, ya son of a bitch! Daly: (wincing) No, I’m not ASScroft...wait a minute, I didn’t mean to say that... Ashcroft: Get em’ boys! [Several large men in black suits and sunglasses come out from off-screen, grab Daly, and begin to take his pants off as he is carried off-stage yelling.] Producer V/O: This has been issues facing young adults, hosted by Carson Daly and John Ashcroft. Good day. [Fade to Black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
