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Isosceles...Tracy Morgan Prime...Seth Meyers Cosign...Amy Poehler Absolute Value...Fred Armisen Pimp...Will Forte Frankie Fibonacci...Chris Kattan (Open on: a fish aquarium.) Announcer: You're watching Community Access Television. (Cut to: Footage of a man talking to a woman in a park.) Bad Serling parody voice: You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound. A dimension of sight. (The Twilight Zone music begins, but it's being played on kazoos.) Bad Serling parody voice: A dimension of mind. You are moving into a land of both shadow and substance; of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into... (Suddenly, a dog jumps on the woman and starts humping her leg.) Bad Serling parody voice: The Dog Humping a Woman's Leg Zone. (Cut to a headshot of Parnell wearing a bowler hat and doing a quick double eyebrow raise. The screen goes black and then to snow. Then... we are in what looks like an alley. A high school student dressed like he just walked off the set of "Fast and Furious" holds a microphone. He has a t-shirt on that reads "Circumscribe This!") Isosceles: Yo, what up. For those of you who aren't Y2k compliant, this is illegal street mathleting! And you're watching Pirate Mathlete television! (Cut to: Title sequence - Pirate Mathlete Television Cue POD's hit - "Boom! Here comes the boom! Ready or Not!" Rapid "MTV like editing" montage of... - a hand drawing a circle and solving for the area...but totally extreme! - calculators spin across the screen. Some smash into each other in slo-mo. - two hands side by side drawing angles. One of the hands take's a protractor's sharp edge and slices the other hand. Blood spews! - a pencil scribbles algebra solutions lightning fast. A spark ignites and the paper bursts into flames! And we're back. Isosceles: Yo, it's Friday in the AM y'all! (to onlookers) Are we ready to exercise our brains illegally? Crowd: (off-screen) Yeeeeahhhh!!!! (Isosceles walks to the right. A huge crowd of street mathlete enthusiasts flurry the alley. It looks like a set of The Fast and Furious. Instead of cars, desks are lined up in the alley.) Isosceles: You may be familiar with your Mathlete team at your school, but this is not that. This is hardcore street problem solving! Crowd: Yeeeaaaahhh!!! Isosceles: Everything about tonight is illegal! We don't even have a permit to be in the alley right now! Speaking of that, let's see what the latest is on the five O situation. How's it lookin', Prime? Prime: Yo, trip on this! (Prime holds up the walkie talkie. Everybody is silent.) Police Dispatcher: (through talkie) ...in a public place. We had a reported homicide, 187, at Donnie Dogs. Isosceles: Oh, hell yeah! That's thirty miles from here..The cops will be all over that, man. Waiting on your word now Prime. Prime: We are good to solve. I repeat, good to solve! Crowd: Yeeeahhh!!!! (Cue PODs "Boom! Here comes the Boom! Ready or not!!" Close on - a girl in hot pants gyrating like a club platinum girl on a school desk.) (Isosceles walks over to two school desks "manned" by mathletes. They are divided by the "green, yellow, red" electronic light that you see at drag races. Isosceles: And here's the fastest street mathlete in the Valley, my man Absolute Value. Absolute Value: (Armisen with spanglish accent) Absolute Value in el dos uno. Isosceles: I'm checking out your aftermarket and it looks like you ride strictly with imports. Absolute Value: Word, I solve with mostly Japanese parts. Check this protractor ese. It's got degrees, radians, GPS tie-in...the whole burrito. And it also doubles as a throwing star, man. [He throws the protactor.] Dude That Got Hit: (off-screen) Owww! (beat) Damn street mathletes! (Absolute Value chuckles. A female street mathlete, Cosign (Poehler) wears a "red, white, and blue" outfit. She sits on the desk next to Absolute Value's desk.) Cosign: (to Absolute Value)How's it goin'...Sony bitch. USA all the way! Absolute Value: (rolling his eyes) I used to solve with Estados Unidos, look what happened? (Absolute holds up his left hand - a finger is missing! Gasps from the audience.) Absolute Value: Lucky for me amigo I'm ambidextrious. (He takes a swipe at Cosign with the right hand! Isosceles breaks it up.) Isosceles: Take it easy u guys! Save it for the race! Now Cosign, u're new to this but damn u've made an impact. Cosign: You know it. I'm like the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs. (to Absolute Value) Yeah...you better recognize...Dino! [There is another scuffle. Isosceles gets in the middle.] Isosceles: Check yourselves! (they back off) Cosign: Okay, look enough of this small talk, let's see what you're made of. Absolute Value: When Absolute Value plays the result is always positive. (Absolute Value pounds on his chest and looks out into the crowd before he and Cosign sit down at their respective desks. He pushes a button on his desk and it begins to hop like it's got hydraulics. This whips the crowd into a frenzy.") (A girl showing lots of cleavage hands papers to the two competitors, but face down.) Isosceles: We're about ready to race... (The light turns red...then yellow..then green! The crowd goes berserk as they flip the papers!) Absolute Value: (reading paper) Solve for absolute value. Oh, hell yeah! (The racers begin to scribble madly on their papers and punch their calculators like accountant speed freaks.) Isosceles: Damn! Looks like Cosign's behind. Absolute Value is doing some mad solving! (They continue to scribble on their papers. Punching their calculators like madmen. Absolute Value's lead breaks on his pencil!) Crowd: Ooooooh!!! (It's an automatic-pencil. He punches wildly to feed more lead in...but nothing's coming. Absolute Value: (to pencil) Where are you lead?! I need you homes! (Cosign obviously has the advantage now. Absolute Value continues to struggle with his pencil. He taps it against the desk.) Absolute Value: (yelling at pencil) Come on you little bitch! (With a mighty fist, Value slams his pencil onto the desk and CRASH! his desk falls apart and he falls onto the street!) Crowd: Whooooaaa!!! Crowd Member: Burnout! (Medics rush in and put Absolute Value on a stretcher. His elbow is bruised and skinned.) Absolute Value: I almost had you, Wonderbread. Cosign: You almost had me? Man, you were granny solvin'...not double checkin' your solutions, lead shiftin like a rookie. You gotta keep your head on straight bro! Almost had me? (Cosign does Amy Poehler patented 'What is he talking about' thumb gesture...you know the one. Absolute Value loses consciousness. The medics carry him off in the stretcher.) Isosceles: So what just happened there Cosign? Cosign: It's obvious. He had a mad holeshot, but yo, that' don't win illegal mathlete races. (A pimp (Forte) pushes one of his ladies down the alley. He sees the Mathlete crowd.) Pimp: What the hell's goin on hea'? This is my real estate! Cosign: Alley's closed, pimp daddy! Find another roote to prostitute! Crowd: Hahahaha Yeeeeahhh!! (The pimp looks ready to box. Then everybody in the crowd whips out protractors with razor sharp edges, lethally pointy compasses and pencils. He backs off and walks away.) Pimp: (shaking his fist in the air) Damn street mathletes! (A Wu Tang Clan type tune plays as an all Asian Mathlete gang shows up.) Isosceles: Oh snap! It's the Wu Tangent Clan and their leader - illegal street Mathlete Wu Ping also known as "Frankie Fibonacci." Frankie Fibonacci: Ahhh, so u must be the one they call Cosign. How u doing hotshot? Cosign: You know, just living my life one equation at a time. Frankie Fibonacci: So you think you Mr. Big Street Mathlete now, huh? WELL THINK AGAIN! (Cosign ignores him.) What you say you vs me...tonight. Isosceles: Straight up dope! Legendary Frankie Fibonacci has challenged this upstart rookie to a mathlete contest! And it's illegal! Cosign: I don't solve for x unless there's some g's on the line. Frankie Fibonacci: (holding a receipt) I have the cash but I also got the pink slip on my calc. (Cosign grabs the calculator from Fibonacci.) Cosign: Ahh. TI 89 GR4. I see a free fall intake. It's got a LCD defogger system, direct solve injection. Not a bad way to spend a thousand bucks. You're on. (The crowd goes ballistic. Cosign sits down at his desk and Fibonacci's gang members hand him his desk. He sets it down next to Cosign who picks up his calculator.) Frankie Fibonacci: No no no. No calc, no high tech. We do this old school. (Fibonacci puts a silver briefcase on his desk. He rolls the combination lock to 3 1 4 and opens it. I warm golden glow as he reveals....the most exquisite ABACUS you've ever seen!) Crowd: Ooooooohhhh! Isosceles: Oh no he didn't...that looks like...the Golden Abacus of Kidinu...last housed in the Museum of Baghdad! Word to your ancient ancestors! Frankie Fibonacci: Saddam is dead...long live Frankie Fibonacci! (Cosign pulls out a walkie talkie and talks into it) Cosign: Pythagorus was right! I repeat, Pythagorus was right! (Flashing police sirens and a swarm of boys in blue engluf the Mathlete crowd.) Isosceles: Oh man, Cosign's an undercover cop! (Officers grab Frankie Fibonacci and confiscate the abacus. One officer grabs Isosceles and handcuff's him.) Isosceles: Well, I guess that's it for Pirate Mathlete Television tonight. I'm your host Isosceles and remember. They may be able to put you behind bars, but you can't take the street from the Mathlete! (All the mathletes are being arrested. Some are trying to flee. An officer shakes hands with the pimp as he grabs the prostitute's bum.) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
