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Son (Josh).....Adrian Brody Mother.....Maya Rudolph Father (Hymen).....Chris Parnell (Everyone speaks with New York Jewish accents. Everyone is dressed in normal, contemporary clothes, only the males are also wearing yarmalkes.) (The scene opens with the mother in a living room when her 14-year-old son comes home with a sports bag.) Mother: Hey honey, how was your first day in teen intramurals at the Jewish community center? Josh: (obviously distressed) Awful (tosses sport bag). Mother: What? Awful? Why awful? Josh: Well, we have to take showers now, and…and… Mother: And what, honey? And what? Josh: And…and…you wouldn't understand… Mother: Of course I'll understand honey, just tell me… Josh: No, Mom, it's too embarrassing. Mother: (sternly) Joshua, you will get a hold of yourself and tell me now. Josh: (yelling) I'm friggin deformed Mom, I'm friggin deformed! (cries and runs to his mother's arms) Mother: (Yells towards other room) Hyman, you better get in here! (calmly, back to son, while stroking his hair) Don't be ridiculous, honey, you look fine. Josh: Deformed down there, Mom (points to crotch)! I have extra skin where the other boys… I can't talk about it… Mother: Hyman! (Father enters) Father: What? What? Oy vay, what is going on? Mother: Josh just found out about our little secret. Father: (shakes his head) Ugh, I knew this day would come. Josh: What? Knew what day would come? Mother: (steps back from Josh) Honey, you're not deformed, you're just uncircumcised. Josh: Un-what? What are you guys talking about? Father: In Jewish tradition, we have what is called a "bris". It is a ceremony involving the rabbi removing the foreskin off of a male's penis. The medical term for this is called a "circumcision". Josh: Ouch! Why would they do that? Father: It's really not painful, all Jewish babies have it done. Even many non-Jews do it for health reasons. Josh: Well, if all Jews have it done, why didn't I have it done? Everyone in that shower today was circumcised except me. They called me a freak! (Mom and dad exchange glances) Father: I'm going to need another glass of Manichevitz. (Pours himself a glass of wine) You see son, we were going to have you circumcised, but you were just, soo small. Josh: Of course I was small, I was a baby! Father: No, I mean your penis. It was tiny, even for a baby. Really tiny. (Mom and dad nudge each other and giggle. Dad uses index and thumb to demonstrate size of penis.) Josh: Hey, hey, can we focus, here? It couldn't of been that little for a baby? Maybe I was cold… Mother: Oh no, you weren't cold. It always looked like that. Even with a jeweler's eyepiece, the rabbi had trouble finding it. He masturbated it to make it bigger, but it was still too small. Josh: Oh my God! The rabbi molested me! And you guys knew about it! That's disgusting! Mother: (calmly) It wasn't disgusting, honey, it was religious. Father: Exactly. So for health reasons, and cosmetic reasons, we chose not to perform the bris. The rabbi could have accidentally chopped off what little pimple-dink you had. And besides, at least the foreskin gave you a little more length. I'd rather have my kid look like a Christian than some all-clit-no-slit hermie freak. Josh: (In shock) I can't believe we're having this conversation. Father: Don't be ashamed, son, it's not your fault. Your mother kissed an Asian nazi once, we think that may have had something to do with it. Mother: It's true. He was just…so kind to me at the grocery... Father: (trying to be consoling) At least you have a Jewish nose. Josh: I really can't believe this. This has to be some kind of joke. Why didn't you guys just have me circumcised when I got older? Father: Well, frankly son, you haven't grown much down there. Josh: What! How would you know that!? Father: Well, we spy on you when you shower and when you change your clothes. Mother: Yeah, even to this day, if we trimmed your skin sock, you'd have nothing to show for it but a stemless, Lilliputian mushroom. Josh: I think I'm going to be sick… Father: I mean, son: you're small. Mother: Really small. Father: You make the dog look like he's got a horse schlong. Mother: (shaking head) It's true. Josh: Enough! Enough! I don't care if I have a needle dick… Father: Oh, honey, now you're being generous. It's more like one of those candy dots. You know? They come stuck to a roll of paper… Mother: Oooh, I love those. Father: I know, they are tasty. Josh: Stop it! Fine, I don't care if my penis looks like a "candy dot"... Father: (interrupting) With a foreskin. Josh: Whatever! I don't care! The bigger issue is the invasion of my privacy! I can't believe you guys have been covertly staring at my naked body! Father: Oh, not just staring, kiddo. Your mom actually masturbates to it sometimes. Josh: WHAT! Mother: Yeah. It may be small, but I had never seen a foreskin before. It's exotic! Father: (looks lovingly towards Mother) We've had many a lovemaking session inspired by your wrinkly, wormy millimeter. Mother: (rubs Father's back) Oooh, yes. Only your Dad's penis is much bigger than yours. Much bigger. Father: (back to Josh) I may be average sized, but it seems like I have elephantitus of the wang compared to your, you know… (Wiggles pinky) Wee-ooo, wee-ooo. (Looks at pinky) Oh, excuse me. (Grabs most of pinky and wiggles just the tip, then says in a higher pitch than before) Wee-ooo, wee-ooo. (Shrugs shoulders) Anyway, it's an ego boost for me. Josh: (defeated) It's an ego boost for you? Father: Oh yeah. Josh: To see your son naked and then make love to his horny mom? Father: Well, not any son, just you. You see, your little brother, he's got the opposite problem. We had to have him circumsized with a freakin' chainsaw. Mother: Oh yes, I remember when he was born: penis first. It looked like I was having inside-out sex with Tommy Lee! Josh: (flat affect, very delibrately) I think I'm going to go upstairs and take a bath with a plugged-in hair dryer. Mother: Oh, honey, that won't make your weiner any bigger. Josh: No, no it won't. (goes upstairs) Mother: Well, that got me hot. Wanna go do it? Father: (suavely) Yes I do. Mother: Let's go do it in Josh's bed! Father: That's a great idea! (Couple runs upstairs as the lights dim off and on). END Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
