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INT. BUSY FANCY UPPER-CLASS RESTAURANT - NIGHT Two hillbilly types, BARRY FARTJOKE and LINDA FARTJOKE, walk in to meet the SERVER. The server, going thru menus, looks up first in disgust but then puts on the fake smile. SERVER Yes. Can I help you? BARRY Hi. I’m Barry Fartjoke and this is my wife, Linda Fartjoke. SERVER (to Linda) Please to meet you. LINDA (*fart*) BARRY What are the specials tonight? Got anything with prunes. LINDA We love prunes. BARRY (*fart*) SERVER No. No we do not. BARRY Well we’ll take whatever you got. SERVER Well it’s going to be quite a wait. We are very busy you understand. BARRY It’s alright. We’ll wait. SERVER Well it’s goin’ to be about an hour. BARRY No problem. SERVER Well actually more like five hours. BARRY I don’t mind. Do you mind, sugar? LINDA Nope (*fart*) BARRY We’ll just sit down and wait. The two sit down and two farts come out when they do. SERVER Well, a table should be ready in about 12 hours. Server walks to back kitchen to meet SERVER 2. SERVER Oh god. The FartJokes are here. SERVER 2 I thought I smelled something. SERVER I don’t how to get rid of them. Offscreen FART is heard. SERVER 2 Just listen to them. It’s disgusting. SERVER That was me actually. SERVER 2 There must be a way to lose them. SERVER Let me think. Let me think. Over at a table, we see a MAN & WOMAN having a meal. Farts of varying length and disgust are heard throughout. MAN Heinkleman said that they might be downsizing. WOMAN Really? MAN Yes. It’s the economy. WOMAN And this war in Iraq dosen’t help. MAN Oh no question. WOMAN It’s a shame really. MAN Yes. It’s really getting out of control. WOMAN Makes me sick. MAN What is that noise? Do you hear it? WOMAN The farting? MAN Yes. Woman tries to hide her face while pointing over to a seedy old man at a table by himself. MAN (in disgust) Anyone over 65 should be shot! Meanwhile, the Server goes back over to the real farters, Barry and Linda still sitting. SERVER Um...since we have very limited seating at the moment, would you like to eat in your car? BARRY Oh we don’t have a car. LINDA Yeah. They just pollute the air. Makes it all stinky. (*squeaky long drawn out fart*) SERVER I see. Well would you consider eating outside near our garbage cans? BARRY Why I never. What kind of hospitality is that? SERVER Well why don’t you leave then? BARRY We want to eat here! (*fart*) MAN (walking up to Server) Excuse me. Excuse me. SERVER Yes? MAN Could you do something about that old man over there? He keeps farting away. It’s very distracting from me and my buisness associate’s intellectual conversation. SERVER Ah well. The farts are not actually coming from him. They are... BARRY Wait a minute! Did you say old man? MAN Yes. BARRY Linda, look! It’s the guy who we always see everywhere! The Old Man turns around, sees the FartJokes, gets up and starts to run out. BARRY Stop that man! Man catches hold of the Old Man and a huge fart comes out of him. LINDA Oh! That’s awful. BARRY This man has been following us everywhere we go. LINDA That’s why everyone looks at us funny! OLD MAN That’s right. I was the one cuttin’ it up! I thought I could get away with it trying to pretend it was comin’ from these hippie hillbillies. BARRY Well your little scheme didn’t work, did it? OLD MAN (*fart*) MAN I say we put this geezer to sleep. EVERYONE Yes, yes. Some people in restaurant start clapping while Man escorts Old Man out. SERVER (to FartJokes) I am so sorry. BARRY Well I can understand why you would think it was coming from us. SERVER Because of your incredibly ridiculous last name. BARRY No. LINDA I thought it was because my mom had a farting problem. BARRY It’s not genetic though. Linda has never farted in her life. A GUNSHOT and a SCREAM is heard offscreen. BARRY Linda’s never even gone to bathroom before. LINDA Nope. SERVER Well anyway, if you would follow me, I’ll take you to a table. The three walk away. CUT TO OUTSIDE The Man lies dead outside with the Old Man holding a gun. CLOSE-UP of OLD MAN LOOKING EVIL. Sinister music is heard. OLD MAN (while farting) Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I’ll get you FartJokes if it’s the last thing I do. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. CAPTION: TO BE CONTINUED...MAYBE. FADE OUT. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
