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The Michelin Man.....Adrien Brody Narrator.....Chris Parnell Scientist.....Fred Armisen Girl Guides.....Child Actors Shadowed man.....Dean Edwards Anchor Woman.....Tina Fey Woman lover.....Maya Rudolph [Open on the E! True Hollywood Story’s opening sequence: Television screens depicting historical events shoot around the screen, then part, with the words: The Michelin Man in bold white letters.] [Cut to a series of family photographs showing the Michelin man growing up: At his first birthday party; Prom night; his parents bathing him, and so on. A narrator starts to speak as we flash through the pictures.] Narrator: The Michelin Man: a truly misunderstood soul. Over the next few hours, E! will examine his life and times, through good and dark, (cue picture: the Michelin man is crashed on a couch, fatter than usual, with white powder under his nose) richer and poorer, (cue picture: the Michelin man is driving through the countryside with the monopoly man, with money and women packed to the brim of the car.) and I don’t know, whatever other crap we can come up with. [Cut to the Michelin man in a very empty room, sitting in a chair.] The Michelin Man: I really think my early years were my best years. My parents were there, I had friends, a good education, I was on the track team, and if anyone made fun of me...you know...I’d run over them. [Cut to a picture of the Michelin man in a public school at a young age looking very angry: throwing his arms up in the air, yelling, creating carnage, while other students around him are crying and running for their lives.] The Michelin Man: (Starts to chuckle) my first day of grade school! That was an adventure, I’ll tell you that much. But, uh...overall, I thought I was a pretty popular guy. [The Michelin man continues to reflect silently as we hear a narrator voiceover.] Narrator: But to truly understand his early years, we’d have to look at the people who knew him best: his parents, Judy and Herb Michelin: [Cut to another very empty room with a very confused and ashamed looking scientist and a stack of tires piled on top of one another. The scientist doesn’t say anything at first, and starts to look around the room, ashamed.] Scientist: I originally wanted to call him Tire du Sapiens, (suddenly becoming very annoyed) but that didn’t go over too well (Nods his head towards the stack of tires.) [The top tire on top of the stack of tires suddenly falls to the ground and bounces away.] Scientist: Bitch. [Another tire falls down from the stack and the scientist starts to yell at the stack of tires as we hear the narrator.] Narrator: ...Yikes. Uh, but through lacking parental guidance, the Michelin man was able to evolve from his absurd family life, into the onslaught of 80’s pop culture. [Cut back to the Michelin man in his interrogation room.] The Michelin Man: Yeah, the 80’s. That was... oh jeez, that was definitely a very tough time for me, uh...did a lot of different things, a lot of very new things. You know, I met a group of very different people, and they really got me into that whole scene. [Show a picture of the Michelin man in a Girl Guide outfit at a girl guide meeting, towering over the other girl guides and stuffing his face with his and their cookies, then cut to a picture of the Michelin man passed out on the floor and the girl guides gasping. We hear his voice over the pictures.] The Michelin Man: That group was just too corrupt, and I knew I had to get out of the whole thing, you know? [Cut to many girl guides sitting in the interrogation room.] Girl Guide 1: He was weird! Girl Guide 2: And he smelled! GG3: And he ran over my dog with his bike! Girl Guide 1: Then he made me run over HIS dog with MY bike! Girl Guide 2: I actually thought that class was pretty funny... [The girls continue to yell out the obscene things the Michelin man would do, as the narrator cuts in.] Narrator: But as the laughter faded, the hatred, which was kind of growing alongside the laughter, blossomed. [Cut back to more Michelin pictures, with the narrator voiceover.] Narrator: Among the legions and legions of people who hated him, there was one man who saw faith in the over-glorified stack of tires. [Cut to a shaded room, there is a man sitting down in a chair, but his face is shadowed over. He has a very raspy voice and is smoking.] Man: Yeah I hired the Michelin man; he was my whole campaign, named my company after him. He came in the first day of rehearsals and I said to myself, if this freak can do anything, it’s create a media ruckus. Narrator: And that freak did create a ruckus: an avalanche of a ruckus. [Cut to a news anchor woman sitting in the interrogation room.] Anchor: My first day on the job, I was supposed to cover the Michelin man. Really go in-depth. But I think I went to go see a movie instead. Yeah, Star Wars, I believe. [The camera blurs and zooms in on the anchor woman’s face.] Narrator: Did I say avalanche of a ruckus? I meant an avalanche of yawns. [Cut back to the shadowed man.] Man: Yeah so I was wrong about the media ruckus. Ok? So I just taped him doing stupid movements and green screened him into my commercials. You happy? [The shadowed man starts to yell more, and censors start to play a major role in his dialogue.] Narrator: And so the Michelin man would go un-credited for his work. But even through the tough times, his parents would still stand by his side. [Cut back to the Michelin man.] The Michelin Man: After I found out I wasn’t getting paid to appear on TV, it was a little insulting. So I got my parents to go down to Michelin and talk to the manager. [Cut back to the ashamed scientist and the stack of tires. This time the scientist is crying.] Narrator: That, of course, fell through the floor. And so, the Michelin man would begin his journey for love. [Cut back to the Michelin man.] The Michelin Man: I can remember my first love, it was prom night, and we both came home from the dance. When we got into my bedroom, uh, she found it a little difficult. [Cut to a middle-aged woman with cigarette stains in her clothes, fingers, and hair sitting in the interrogation room.] Woman: He had nothing! I mean nothing! That was also the first time I figured out he walks around naked half the time! I mean, buck naked! [Cut back to the Michelin man.] The Michelin Man: She was nice, Delilah, or Doris or something...Doris, yeah, definitely Doris. Smelled like the inside of a car. Narrator: But that car was heading for a cliff, of more bad times and despair. [Cut to the shadowed man.] Man: I remember, when he first started working at Michelin, he started to get really addicted to the bad stuff. It got so bad at one point, I...I just had to fire him. [Cut back to his woman lover.] Woman: So the bum gets fired the next day! And he comes to me all mopy: “Oh Delilah, I lost my job.” “Do you still love me?” and all that crap. Narrator: That crap would have to hold up, if the Michelin man hoped to stay clean and find work. [Cut to the shadowed man.] Man: So I set up an intervention for the big lug. Felt bad for him. And he kept on leaving messages on my machine, hundreds of them, all of them real scary too. [Cut to a small, New York studio apartment, being filmed by a handy-cam, and the words “re-enactment” in the corner of the screen. The Michelin man is resting on the couch when several people come barging through his door. He wakes up suddenly and lets out a tyrannical roar. He then gets up and runs toward the camera man, the camera cuts out, and is left in static.] [Cut back to the Michelin man.] The Michelin Man: I really can’t tell you how much that intervention helped me. I really owe that man everything. [Cut back to the shadowed man.] Man: So yeah, after the intervention was finished, and we found most of our men alive, I gave him back his job. But he refused, said something about love of a good job, or whatever. [Cut back to the Michelin man.] The Michelin Man: I was just glad that whole phase was behind me. It allowed me to truly do what I like doing: advertising and selling bicycles. Narrator: And so, the job hunt and days of peril were over...Or were they? Does the world need a drugged up, Girl Guide abusing Michelin man? We’ll leave that one up to you. [end on the E! True Hollywood story ending sequence.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
