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Spokesman.....Adrien Brody Zachary.....Tracy Morgan Winnie.....Tina Fey Runtime.....Amy Poehler Kernel.....Chris Kattan Microsoft Technician.....Chris Parnell Home User.....Jeff Richards [Scene: Begins with a bluish canvas with the words 'And now a message from Microsoft' printed on it. Cut to a scene where a Spokesman, wearing thick rimmed glasses, is standing in a nondescript bluish set with pedestals strewn about for no particular reason.] Spokesman: Hello everyone, my name is Josh Saviano spokesman for Microsoft. Alright, before we get started...yes, I'm the guy who played Paul on the Wonder Years. I did not become Marilyn Manson, nor did I become an Asian adult film star named Jon Long Wang. No instead, after many years of playing a nerd with no social skills on the hit television show the Wonder Years, I became typecast and was unable to find work anywhere in the industry. Fortunately for me, I was just what Microsoft was looking for in a spokesman. Of course I'm not here to talk about me. [Do a camera angle change. Spokesman turns toward camera.] Spokesman: As we all know, 9-11 changed our entire world. After 9-11 we at Microsoft began to see Software Pirates for what they really were...Software Terrorists. Sick individuals striking out against a hard working American software giant. In the late 90's Software Terrorism was at an all time high. Heck, even my grandma was using a pirated...I mean...terror version of Windows 98. It was Bill Gates vision to bring an end to this subversive form of terror that had seen him go from Richest Man in the world to...well him still being the Richest Man in the world. But believe me, he could have been way richer. [Do a camera angle change. Spokesman turns toward camera.] Spokesman: So it was that Bill Gates developed what we now call: The Gates Doctrine. Microsoft's new aggressive attitude saw it's first breath in the form of Windows XP, released a month after 9-11. Windows XP required a call to Microsoft in order to activate it so it could be used. At first there was some resistance to the idea but like trained seals learning to jump through hoops people soon got the hang of it. [Cut to a short video sequence of a trained seal clapping it's flippers and barking. Cut back to spokesman.] Spokesman: How cute is that? And that's how we at Microsoft see you the consumer. (cut to shot of trained seal barking again. Cut back to Spokesman.) Adorable. (pointing at camera)I'm talkin' 'bout u. [Cut to different camera angle.] Spokesman: Though the campaign was considered successful in limiting software terrorism, some still managed to breach the tight security of Windows XP. There are software terrorists out there that hate Microsoft...that hate America so much that they developed illegal hacks in order to run the operating system without activation. Don't worry, Microsoft has no intention of letting them win. That's why I'm proud to introduce to you today, the next evolution of Windows. It's called Microsoft Windows U-Head. [Cut to a crazy sequence of fireworks and stuff. The words "Microsoft Windows U-Head" fades into shot. Cut back to Spokesman.] Spokesman: (holding a box of Microsoft Windows U-Head.) Crazy name isn't it? Well the U is short for Understanding Chip or U chip. The U-chip is a transmitter/reciever that can communicate like a walkie talkie between you and your computer. For those thinking aHEAD, that's right, this form of Windows isn't installed in your computer...it's installed right into your head thus the name Windows U-Head. How? Well, I'll get to that in a moment. First of all I'd like to address an issue if I might. Some might notice that (super 'Microsoft Windows U-Head' along bottom of screen in big white letters) Microsoft Windows U-Head is an anagram for (rearrange letters to form what he says next.) Forced Amish out Windows. Now I want to assure you that this is strictly coincidence. Though the Amish philosophy is at odds with our own, we at Microsoft do not hate the Amish and do not condone violence directed against the Amish. Heck, some of my best friends are Amish. (motioning to someone offscreen) Zachary get over here. [Enter Zachary dressed like a typical Amish person. Cool hat and beard and what not.] Zachary: (stiffly) Good morning Josh. [Spokesman puts his arm around Zachary and smiles towards the camera as though he is posing for a photo. He motions for Zachary to leave. Zachary waves and exits.] Spokesman: So Jeremiah and Peter u can relax. If it's up to Microsoft there will always room in the world for the Amish...[looking menacingly in direction that Zachary would be; to himself.] for now. (looking back at camera.)Let's get back to Windows U-Head now shall we. The beauty of Windows U-Head is that, though u may reinstall programs or format your harddrive, you never ever need to reinstall your core operating system because...it's in your head! How do we get it there? (pulling out what looks like a staple gun.) With this! This is a state of the art Quantum Tunneling U-Chip Delivery System. Let's see how it works shall we. [Cut to a shot of Home User sitting at a computer desk.] Spokesman: (offscreen) Once you've purchased your copy of Windows U-Head, a trained Microsoft technician will come to your home and install it. [As Spokesman was talking Microsoft Technician entered scene and pulled out staple gun device. Now we see Home User being a little apprehensive, there is a brief scuffle between Microsoft Technician and Home User. There is a loud bang as the chip is installed. Microsoft Technician puts staple gun away as Home User is writhing on the floor in agony. Home User suddenly stops thrashing about and gets to his feet now with a glazed look on his face. He shakes Microsoft Technicians hand and then smiles into the camera with a possessed look on his face. Cut back to Spokesman.] Spokesman: Yes, it's just that easy. Is it safe? Well, if it wasn't would I have already installed it in my own family? Get in here you guys. [Enter Winnie, Runtime and Kernel. Winnie has long black straight hair. They all seem very robotic. The children are step-children cause Saviano is too young to have children in their teens. So basically he married an older chick who had kids...for the sake of correctness.] Spokesman: I'd like to introduce my wife Winnie...for fans of the Wonder Years it's merely coincidental...that she changed her name to Winnie...and here are my step-daughter Runtime and my step-son Kernel...whose names were also changed. [The three stare blankly at the camera and wave.] Spokesman: (taking out a remote.) Using this remote I've been able to program my wife's favorite web sites into her U-Head. For the kids I've installed parental controls and bookmarks to academic web sites. Winnie: I live to serve my husband. I cook for him. Clean for him. Massage his unusually hairy back for him. Spokesman: Wait, don't get the wrong idea. She also has a full time job. Isn't that right honey? Winnie: Yes, thanks to the wonders of Windows U-Head I am running at peak efficiency at all times. Spokesman: Kids have you got anything to say? Runtime: I've got straight A's and I'm not going to have sex until I'm 35! Spokesman: That a girl! What about you Kernel? Kernel: I love you Dad. I respect your opinion. Windows U-Head is awesome. (rubbing his forehead) Can I buy a Playstation 2? Spokesman: (nervously) Now Kernel, why would you want a Playstation 2 when you have a much superior X-box? Maybe we need to reinstall Windows... [Spokesman walks over to Kernel and uses staple gun on him. There is a loud bang.] Kernel: X-Box rules! Can I go study now? Spokesman: Sure. Actually you can all go now. [As they are exiting Spokesman smacks Winnie on the butt. Exit Runtime and Kernel.] Winnie: (smiling) Thank you for that public display of affection honey...(eye begins to twitch) I didn't find that at all degrading and embarrassing. Spokesman: (crazy-like and into the camera)Who's the man now Savage!!! [Exit Winnie. Cut to a different camera angle. Spokesman turns towards camera.] Spokesman: Now I know many of you are thinking: "Won't the software terrorists turn into hardware terrorists and make copies of the chip.". That's the beauty of the U-chip. It's nearly impossible to copy. Each U-chip has a strand of Bill Gates own DNA in it! Now that's not easy to get a hold of. Not like say...Bill Clinton DNA. Without that DNA, windows won't be able to process it's subroutines...in other words, it won't work. As a failsafe security measure we've also added in a secret blend of 11 herbs and spices which need to be in the U-chip in order for Windows U-Head to work properly. Tastes like victory to me! [Cut to yet another camera angle. Spokesman turns towards the camera again.] Spokesman: Of course, not wanting to take any chances Microsoft also has satellites in space that will scan for any illegal U-chip activity. In the very unlikely event that a bootleg U-chip is detected, Microsoft satellites will send out a signal and deactivate it. [Cut to shot of a mannequin. It's head suddenly blows off. Cut back to Spokesman.] Spokesman: Another Software terrorist bites the dust. Good riddance. [Cut to a different camera angle. Spokesman turns to face camera.] Spokesman: So that's what we're doing. It's years away from being sold in stores but we're getting there. We just thought to let you know that we're out there, trying to make things better for all of us. For those of you who feel a little scared about this new technology just remember: Resistance is futile. I mean if everyone is walking around with Windows U-Head installed, are you going to be different? Are you some kind of radical? Some kind of fanatic? Some kind of Dixie Chick? Heh, of course you're not. You're part of Bill's gang! (aside to the camera) I'll bet you a dime to a dollar those Dixie Chicks use Macs. [Cut to a different camera angle. Spokesman turns to face camera and gets down on one knee.] Spokesman: Sure we all love our freedom, but I think mostly we want a safe environment for our children. An environment without software terrorism. Know that Microsoft is working towards that goal. Because in the end, it's all about the children. Come here Kernel. [Kernel enters and sits on his father's leg.] Kernel: (robotic like Small Wonder) Hello Father. You are the greatest. Thank you for making my world safe. [Spokesman smiles and messes up Kernel's hair. Kernel's eye begins to twitch.] Spokesman: Before we go could we see the seal one last time. (Cut to a shot of a seal about to be clubbed.) No no, the seal from before. (cut to shot of seal clapping it's hands and barking. Cut back to Spokesman and Kernel). I for one can not get enough of that. (laughing) Goodnight everyone. [Fade Out to Richard Ashcroft's 'Check the Meaning.'] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
