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....Maya Rudolph ....Adrien Brody Chris Kattan....Daniel Day Lewis Darrell Hammond....Jack Nicholson Seth Myers....Nicholas Cage Don Pardo V/O: Musical guest, Sean Paul and Wonder Wayne. And your nominees for host. (music cuts, drum roll begins) Nicholas Cage. CUT TO NICHOLAS CAGE wearing a tux in the audience with obviously thinning hair, arrogantly smiling and laughing. Don Pardo V/O: Jack Nicholson. CUT TO JACK NICHOLSON also wearing a tux in the audience, but with sunglasses on, smiling confidently. Don Pardo V/O: Daniel Day Lewis CUT TO DANIEL DAY LEWIS also wearing a tux in the audience, shaved head and all looking very serious and intense. Don Pardo V/O: Adrien Brody CUT TO ADRIEN BRODY wearing a tux in the audience, very animated, yelling into the camera, “YEAH BABY! WOO!” Don Pardo V/O: Michael Caine CUT TO a picture of Sam the Eagle from the Muppet Show. Don Pardo V/O: And the winner is ADRIEN BRODY! (Applause) CUT TO ADRIEN BRODY who looks shocked. He turns right to the man next to him and shakes his hand, then gives a kiss to the lady seated to his left. He then jumps up on stage where MAYA RUDOLPH stands in a formal dress with a gold statuette of a fat man in her hand to hand to ADRIEN. As he climbs to the stage, she sprays some Binaca spray into her mouth and smiles. Adrien Brody: (surprised) Oh my god. Thank you. Thank you, really. Oh my goodness. I haven't really written a monologue because every time I wrote a monologue, they didn’t call me up. I never thought I would win a Goodman (shows off statuette) and get a chance to host. I know you’re all expecting me to play tonsil hockey with Maya over here, but I learned from this restraining order (reaches in pocket and pulls out a piece of paper) that you can’t just jam your tongue down the throat of whoever it is on stage. So Maya (reaches out to shake her hand. Maya looks disappointed, but grudgingly shakes his hand) Thank you. First of all, I have to thank my mother and father for having sex thirty years ago. Had it not been for that drunken night of passion, Richard Dreyfuss would still be the youngest Oscar winner for Best Actor. I’d also like to thank Roman Polanski, the legendary director of “The Pianist.” He taught me so much about acting, but perhaps the best lesson he taught me was that just because there is grass on the field, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to play ball. (The band begins to play SNL theme music) Adrien Brody: And you know, wait one second. One second, please one second. Cut it out, cut it out. I get one shot at this. (Band stops playing) I'm sorry. I only get one shot at this, because you know once I do this show, my career is finished. (solemnly) This Goodman fills me with great joy, but I am also filled with a lot of sadness tonight because I am accepting an award at such a strange time. And you know my experiences of making this film made me very aware of the sadness and the dehumanization of people. And nowhere are people dehumanized more than in reality TV shows. I have a friend from Queens who’s on the show Mr. Personality right now, Danny Dubinski. CUT TO PICTURE of a man in a tuxedo with a mask on his face just like the show Mr. Personality. Adrien Brody V/O: Whatever you believe in, if it's God or Allah, may he watch over the young men vying for that young lady’s affections and let's pray for a peaceful and swift resolution. CUT BACK to ADRIEN on stage. Adrien Brody: I hope Danny and the boys make it back real soon. God bless you guys. I love you. (Smiles) We have a great show for you tonight! Sean Paul and Wonder Wayne are here, so stick around we’ll be right back! (as camera pans out, ADRIEN plants a long, deep kiss on MAYA) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
