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Rhonda Plassy.....Amy Poehler Dustin Hoffman.....Jeff Richards .....Adrien Brody Michael Jackson.....Dean Edwards Mike Tyson.....Tracy Morgan [ open on "Nose Trouble" title card; dissolve to talk show set, chairs with coffee table, hostess surrounded by three guests, with posters of big-nosed celebrities from Barbra Streisand to Toucan Sam lining the back wall ] Rhonda Plassy: Good evening. I'm Rhonda Plassy, and welcome to "Nose Trouble", the show where we probe the private lives of our favorite celebrities. Before we get started, I'd like to once again apologize for Barbra Streisand's rude behavior on last week's show, in which she broke Judd Hirsch's nose with a folding chair. But, in Barbra's defense, Judd really had no business mouthing off about "Yentl" the way he did. And by the way, Barbra.. don't hate me because I'm beautiful and have a normal nose. Some of us are just lucky that way. [ a beat ] Anyway, we have a fresh group of celebrities here today. To my right is classically-trained Method actor Dustin Hoffman. Dustin Hoffman: [ affably polite and smiling ] Thank you, Rhonda. It's a pleasure to be here. Rhonda Plassy: On my left is recent Oscar winner Adrien Brody, who recently starred in a movie about his penis. Adrien Brody: [ interrupting ] No, no, no, no, no.. Come on, I get teased about that movie a lot, but its actual title is "The Pianist". Rhonda Plassy: Oh. So, you play a man who studies penises? Adrien Brody: [ trying to explain ] No, no, no.. I, uh.. [ gives in ] Yes.. that is correct. Rhonda Plassy: Tell me this, Adrien - is your penis anywhere near as big as your nose? Adrien Brody: [ troubled ] I, uh.. I don't know how to answer that without making myself look like a schmuck. Rhonda Plassy: I'd love it if you and Dustin could stand side-by-side later and see whose nose stretches out farther. Dustin Hoffman: [ smiling a little less politely ] That idea is completely baked. Rhonda Plassy: Our final guest this evening, sitting next to Adrien, is pop superstar Michael Jackson. Hey, Michael, take the mask off and stay awhile - this building's been sprayed for SARS! [ chuckles ] Michael Jackson: I think I was booked on this show by mistake. My nose is nowhere near as big as these guys Rhonda Plassy: Oh, you're not kidding, Michael. All I can see on the part of your face where your nose once stood are a couple of air holes. Hey, tell me - if I look into those holes and squeeze your ears, will I see a kaleidoscope of fireworks inside your head? Dustin Hoffman: Or maybe you'll see Jimmy Hoffa's bones! [ snort-laughs ] Rhonda Plassy: Dustin, I've always wondered if there's a horse in your family. Dustin Hoffman: Actually, I have several horses on my estate, Rhonda. Rhonda Plassy: No, I mean in your actual genetic history. Let me try this, instead.. Dustin, how many people, including yourself, are in this room right now? Dustin Hoffman: [ snort-laughs ] Uhhh.. there's you.. me.. uh.. [ raises his leg and stomps it on the floor four times ] Four. Rhonda Plassy: I thought so. I just wasn't sure whether Michael counted as a human or a space creature. Hey, where are my manners, anyway? You fellows look like you could use a drink. [ pulls up a bottle ] Who'd like a glass of schnoz..? Whoops! I mean a glass of Schnapp's - my mistake! Dustin Hoffman: I think you did that intentionally, because I've heard that- Rhonda Plassy: I assure you, Dustin, it was purely unintentional.. Dustin Hoffman: [ pounds his fist on the coffee table ] Hey! I'm talkin' here! I'm talkin' here! [ Rhonda is stunned by the outburst ] Okay, that was intentional. I've always wanted to do that on a talk show! Rhonda Plassy: I don't know what you just did, but okay.. Adrien, they say the camera adds ten pounds. How big does your nose get to be in your movie? Adrien Brody: Hey, that is none of your business, Rhonda! I came here to do a serious interview, not get asked a lot of impertinent questions! You know what you are? Rhonda Plassy: No, what? Adrien Brody: I hate to say it.. but you're too damn nosy! [ a series of dings sound ] Rhonda Plassy: Congratulations, Adrien! You said the secret word! That means I get to.. [ reaches behind her chair, raises her head to reveal that she's tying a fake cardboard nose around her face ] ..wear the funny nose! Hey, look - now I'm one of you! [ laughs ] Dustin Hoffman: [ shaking his head ] This.. is the nuttiest talk show ever. Rhonda Plassy: Listen, you guys have to tell me - what kind of women are attracted to big noses like yours? Adrien Brody: Oh, come on, Rhonda. You know what they say - big nose, big- Rhonda Plassy: [ interrupting ] No one says that - it's big feet, big- ..Anyway, if I want the biggest one of those, I'll just find myself a gorgeous black man. Adrien Brody: There, see? My theory's correct! I've never seen anyone who had a bigger nose than a black man! Rhonda Plassy: [ shocked and awed by Adrien's comment ] Well, my goodness, Adrien.. I really wish you hadn't made such a derogatory comment, because it's sure to offend our special surprise guest who's watching backstage. Adrien Brody: [ curious, but worried ] Oh..? What surprise guest? Rhonda Plassy: Heavyweight Boxing champ Mike Tyson. [ looks offstage ] Oh, Mike? Are you ready to come out? [ Mike Tyson appears onstage, dressed in his boxing clothes and pounding his boxing-gloved fists together ] Mike Tyson: Where's that little punk?! I'm gonna beat his ass! Dustin Hoffman: [ not wishing to get caught in the middle ] Hey, listen.. this has been fun, but I've really gotta go.. being that it's fifteen minutes to Wopner, and all.. [ stands ] Mike Tyson: Where do you think you're going?! Dustin Hoffman: Hey, I'm not the one who said your nose looks like it was run over by a steamroller! [ snort-laughs ] Mike Tyson: That's it! I'm takin' care of both of you! [ KO's Hoffman and Brody in two punches ] Rhonda Plassy: Well, Mike, I must say I like your bravado.. you're definitely my kind of man. Mike Tyson: Oh yeah, baby, that's right! And now, I can't wait to stick my big, black sugarbone in your raisin cake! Rhonda Plassy: Ooh, maybe you'd rather stick that big nose of yours in my raisin cake, if you'd like something sweet to eat. Mike Tyson: [ put off ] Aw, hell! Now, why'd you have to go and ruin it for me! How come white women gotta go be so damn nasty all the time? Man, I'm outta here! [ exits the set ] Rhonda Plassy: Wait, Mike, don't go! Don't leave me with these two.. [ looks at Hoffman and Brody slumped on the floor groaning ] Well, why not. Hey, what do you guys say, wanna have a gangbang - me, you, and your noses? [ Hoffman and Brody groan in pain ] Rhonda Plassy: [ sliding off her chair ] Let's go, Adrien, I want you to prove what you said about big noses. [ to the camera ] Hey, join us again next week for a special reunion show, when we reintroduce Jennifer Aniston to her original nose. Good night! [ title card over the threesome, fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
