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Alan Rogers.....Chris Parnell James Pennywhistle.....Adrian Brody Customer.....Rachel Dratch Robber.....Dean Edwards [ show title card, consisting of black marker on a battered piece of cardboard, obviously held up by a hand ] V/O: You are watching "Out and About" on the Deserted Island Network. [ cut to close-up of Alan Rogers, a field reporter, dressed in obviously tattered clothing. He is on a beach with palm trees in the background. Camera is obviously being carried by someone, like in the Boston Teens sketches ] Rogers: [ speaking into a large conch shell like a microphone ] Good afternoon, I'm Alan Rogers. Today on "Out and About," we'll be looking at the most successful entrepreneur following our shipwreck, James Pennywhistle, and his establishment, the Sandburger. [ zoom out to show Pennywhistle, dressed in similarly torn clothing, including a visor, standing behind a chest-high rock ] Pennywhistle: Glad to be on the show, Alan. Rogers: Now James, what inspired you to open the Sandburger? Pennywhistle: Well, back before the shipwreck, I used to be an insurance consultant. Following the shipwreck, I quickly realized that those skills do not translate well to a sea-shell based economy. I certainly could have gone into a career of scavenging, or possibly a career in writing for help in the sand, but I choose a more practical approach, utilizing the resources at my disposal as best I could. Rogers: I gotta tell ya, everyone stranded here without a hope of rescue has found something special in your Sandburgers. What is it about them, that makes them so irresistible and tasty? Pennywhistle: Well, let's let a customer order one, and I'll show you. [ Female Customer approaches the rock / counter, also wearing tattered clothing ] Rogers: This ravishing customer approaches the counter… Customer: I'll have a Double Sandburger… Rogers: Confiding to this struggling businessman her heart's desire… Customer: And with that a Sand Shake… Rogers: Her heart cries out for a Double Sandburger, and a Sand Shake! Pennywhistle: Do you want the shake with dark or light sand? Rogers: Like upon the scales of Justice! Light sand on one side, dark sand on the other! Customer: Can I get a mix please? Rogers: Just like the great Alb- Customer: Shut up! Pennywhistle: Alan, I'd you'd like to step over here, I'll get started with the demonstration. First off, I make all my sand patties myself. I get my sand from only the best locations only the island. As you can see I have an actual grill that these are cooked on [ tosses sandy patty down onto grill ], which makes for a far finer taste than just letting them bake in the sun. Now to make our trademark Sand Shake, first I take one of these Dixie Cups I found lying on the shore… Rogers: This proud manufacturer of silicon sustenance… Pennywhistle: I use about half a cup of sand Rogers: Going to extreme lengths, that we might survive until the dawn of rescuing… Pennywhistle: Now fill up to this line with coconut milk… Rogers: Oh! Brave champion of the stranded people, give unto us- Pennywhistle: Cut that out man! Why are you getting so dramatic? I'm just doing what I can while I'm here, instead of playing at news reporter like you! Your "camera" is nothing more than a piece of driftwood you attached a cup to. It can't record anything! And look at your "microphone!" It's a CONCH SHELL! It does not work! Rogers: I assure you, this is a fully operational micropho- Pennywhistle: Look, I only let you come on here and pretend to report just so you'd stop running around the island hollering Aerosmith tunes every night! So why don't you go- [ A robber has walked up to the counter and taken the female customer hostage. Camera begins panning around frantically ] Robber: Give me all the shells in the register, or this woman's gonna get it. [ holds a starfish up to customer's throat ] Now! Customer: This guy's not playing you guys. You better listen to him! Rogers: [ deadpan towards camera ] Wow! What a shocking turn of events! Robber: [ pointing towards Rogers ] What is this guy's problem? Rogers: A menacing, hardened criminal has just demanded all the shells in the Sandburger register! Pennywhistle: He thinks he's doing some stupid news show. Rogers: Without a moment to spare, and a customer's life in deadly jeopardy! Customer: This is… This is just utterly ridiculous! [ grabs conch shell ] I mean, there's no way you're getting anything with this conch shell! Rogers: [ pleading ] Please don't break my microphone! Please don't bre- [ customer smashes conch onto the counter, shattering it. From this point on, all characters only mouth their words, with no sound coming out ] Rogers: [ screaming "Nooo!" towards the sky ] Robber: [ angrily yells towards Rogers ] Pennywhistle: [ says something nasty towards Rogers ] Rogers: [ says "Cut" to the cameraman while motioning cut across his neck ] Robber: [ lets customer go, throws starfish at Rogers ] Pennywhistle and Customer: [ make threats while throwing sand at Rogers ] [ cut back to title card ] V/O: Coming up next on the Deserted Island Network is Tiki Rituals Today. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
