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Saul.....Chris Parnell Dr. Gilbman.....Adrien Brody Guy #1.....Jimmy Fallon Guy #2.....Seth Meyers Guy #3.....Dean Edwards Guy #4.....Jeff Richards [Scene begins in a psychologist’s office, where Saul (Parnell) and Dr. Gilbman (Brody) sit across from each other in comfortable leather chairs. Parnell is in handcuffs and has several bruises on his face.] Dr. Gilbman: You sure you don’t want water or anything? Saul: No doc, I’m just fine. Plus, I don’t think I’d be too coordinated about getting myself a drink with these on! (holds up handcuffed hands) Dr. Gilbman: Yeah, I guess not! (a beat as both share a hearty chuckle) Anyway, the courts have ordered me to perform a full psychological evaluation on you in order to determine if you’re sane enough to stand trial for the crimes you’ve committed. Saul: Well, I can tell ya right now Dr. Gilbman, I’m pretty insane... Dr. Gilbman: Maybe, maybe not...we’ll just have to find out... Saul: Yeah but...I mean, considering what I’ve done and all...I think I’m insane. Dr. Gilbman: Well Saul...that’s what I wanted to talk about. (flips open folder) Here it says you molested some adults...is that correct? Saul: Right, but it’s not really that simple. The cops were pretty weirded out by what I did, and the more I think about it...I’m kinda weirded out by it all myself. I guess that’s why I was sent here to see you. Dr. Gilbman: Right. (a beat as he sets the folder aside) I have to admit, I’m not yet sure what to make of all this, so... Saul: (interrupting) Well, take it from me doc, I’m not sure what’s going on either. All I know is I must be crazy, right? I mean, who have you ever known that’s been charged with adult molesting? Dr. Gilbman: No one, I guess. Normally, people in your situation are charged with rape or sexual assault. Saul: Sure, maybe in most cases what I’ve done would be called those things... Dr. Gilbman: What exactly is it that you’ve done? Saul: Well...(hangs his head in shame) I molested some kickboxers. Dr. Gilbman: What??? Saul: I molested some male kickboxers. Go ahead, let the daggers of judgment fly... Dr. Gilbman: No...yes...I mean no...I’m not here to judge you...but kickboxers? Saul: Yes...kickboxers, Dr. Gilbman. Dr. Gilbman: Why did you molest kickboxers, of all people? Saul: Well, maybe it’s because I’ve always been afraid of them... Dr. Gilbman: Who, the particular kickboxers you molested? Saul: No, no...just kickboxers in general. Dr. Gilbman: Where do you think such a fear comes from? Saul: Well, my little sister used to kick me a lot when I was in grade school...maybe that has something to do with it... Dr. Gilbman: Oh...so your little sister used to kick you, and that’s why you fear kickboxers? Saul: Maybe...I’m not quite sure doc... Dr. Gilbman: And it’s this fear of kickboxers that drives you to molest them? Saul: Well, yeah...but I... Dr. Gilbman: But what? Saul: But I...listen, I can’t keep this up anymore. In all reality, I’m not scared of kickboxers...I’m just immensely attracted to them, ok? I mean, if you look at the big picture doc, those little gloves they wear on their feet are pretty phallic, you know. Dr. Gilbman: (stupefied) Huh? In what way? Saul: Well, see their leg represents the shaft, and the little glove looks like a circumcised head, and I think that is sooo hot! Maybe it’s just me, but... Dr. Gilbman: My goodness...perhaps you are crazy... Saul: That’s what I’m tryin’ to say, doc...I think I am crazy. Dr. Gilbman: Probably so...I guess now I’m startin’ to get it. That’s why you’re all bruised up... Saul: Exactly. At first, my lawyer was thinkin’ the cops did this to me. Hell, before I could even speak, he was already planning on filing suit against the police department. But then I told him it was a couple of kickboxers I tried to molest, so... Dr. Gilbman: Yeah, makes sense. Well, let’s go over this, ok. Tell me what happened... Saul: Alright. I was walking down by the community center a few weeks ago when I happened to look through the glass windows and see what I thought at the time was pure heaven...four kickboxers were practicing these little enticing routines. I remember it like it was yesterday... [Cut to scene in which Saul is approaching four male kickboxers (Fallon, Meyers, Edwards, Richards) who have just finished working out.] Saul: Hey fellas... Guy #1: Hey, what’s up? Saul: I tell ya what’s up...my penis! Guy #1: What??? Saul: Yeah, my schlong is sayin’ "hello cutie." Guy #1: Oh really? Hey guys, looks like we got a queer over here who wants to play hardball... Guy #2: (walking up) Oh yeah? Guy #1: Yeah! Saul: Yeah, that’s right, that’s exactly right...I do want you guys to play with my hard balls! Guy #2: What? That’s disgusting! Guy #3: (approaching with Guy #4) Hey, maybe we should kick this guy’s ass. Guy #4: Yeah, how would ya like that, punk? Saul: Honestly, I’d love it! How about you start by putting your sexy gloved foot right near my package... Guy #4: Alright... [Guy #4 rares back and kicks Saul square in the crotch. Saul crumples to the ground in a pile, as the others join in and begin kicking him while he’s down.] Guy #2: (shouting over the action) How do ya like it now, fag? Saul: Oh it’s just great! This is what I’ve always wanted!!! [As they continue to wail on him, Saul begins to moan as if he is about to climax.] Saul: Oh god, oh god....oooh daddy...that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Sweet Mary Poppins! Yeah! Guy #4: Oh man...I think this guy’s gettin’ off! Guy #1: Yeah, maybe we should stop kicking him. Hey! Everyone stop! [A beat as everyone stops and collects themselves. Saul soon sits up and looks disappointed.] Saul: Aww come on fellas...I think I had another one in me! Guy #3: Guys, I’m callin’ the police! I think he just molested us! Guy #4: I feel so violated... Saul: (talking to Guy #4) Yeah, I bet you liked it... Guy #4: (repulsed) Ughhh! (he then kicks Saul in the face, knocking him back down) Saul: (from the ground) I knew you did... [Cut back to the therapist’s office.] Saul: So that’s how it went down, doc... Dr. Gilbman: Oh you poor guy! It sounds like you didn’t molest anybody! Saul: I know, I know...on the surface, it looks like a hate crime. When I told my lawyer the story I just told you, he was jumpin’ at the chance to file suit against the kickboxers. But then I told him I splooged my shorts while they were kicking me, so I guess he thought that made things different. Dr. Gilbman: Yeah...but even though you ejaculated, that doesn’t mean you molested them! Saul: You know, maybe you’re right... Dr. Gilbman: Yeah! I mean, just because I masturbate to reruns of "Kids Say the Darndest Things" doesn’t mean I’m a child molester! Saul: (puzzled by his comment) Yeah, I guess. (a beat) So...what do we do now, doc? Dr. Gilbman: Well...I tell ya, the more you talk about slinging your yogurt while getting your ass kicked, the more I’m startin’ to get horny! Saul: Oh really doc? (slyly) Ever done any kickboxing before? Gilbman: Yeah, a little in college... Saul: Well well well...how about you show me some of your stuff? Dr. Gilbman: I’d be glad to! [Both men stand up.] Dr. Gilbman: Wait, let me do some stretching... [Gilbman does a few leg lifts, and then without warning kicks Saul as hard as he can in the groin, sending him doubling over onto the floor.] Saul: (from the ground) Oh yeah...a surprise attack! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Dr. Gilbman: Oh, you want some more bitch? Saul: Oh yes! Please, make me your bitch! Dr. Gilbman: Alright... [Gilbman proceeds to kick Saul repeatedly as he is making sensual noises on the ground.] Saul: Oh...oh...oooh! Give it to me doc, give it to me! Yes! Yesss! [Fade to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
