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Mark Jennings Reese II, Max Rieper & Alex Thomson
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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: Good evening, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories. Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue signed a bill Thursday to replace the unpopular 2-year-old state flag with a simpler design that does not include a Confederate battle emblem. The new state flag will, however, include two cousins having sex. Tornadoes ripped through the Midwest, damaging homes in seven states, and killing up to forty people. President Bush immediately declared numerous disaster areas in Midwestern states and vowed that the federal government would do all it could to prevent the destruction by tornadoes in the future, even if that meant launching a full scale ground attack into Syria. Jimmy Fallon: Microsoft announced plans to develop portable toilets fully equipped with internet access. Microsoft is negotiating with web site developers to print web addresses on the toilet paper of these restrooms. That’s right, wipe your ass on www.goldenpalace.com! This is just part of Microsoft’s continuing project to make it easier for men to masturbate to porn. AOL has also tried to join the project with a program that monitors your bathroom habits. Here’s a sample: V/O of AOL voice: “You’ve got corn.” Tina Fey: In a scenario right out of a sitcom, earlier this week an Israeli policeman, responding to a noisy neighbor complaint, was apparently mistaken for a stripper. "She took off my shirt...she started stroking me and called on her friends to join in" said the stunned officer. And that's when his gun went off. A kitty in London inherited a house and estate valued at nearly a million U.S. dollars. Not to be outdone, Christine Aguilera had her labia encrusted in precious jewels. Jimmy Fallon: The ex-wife of William Shatner has sued the TV star over access to three of Shatner's breeding-stud horses. Apparently the couple's divorce agreement allowed her one horse's semen in freshly-cooled format, and this year Shatner sent his wife frozen horse semen instead. Shatner explained that he thought "that skank will get the goods when hell freezes over," when contractually, only a "cold day in hell" was required. Former Alabama football coach Mike Price said he was “too drunk to really know” what happened at a Pensacola, Fla., topless bar on the night that ultimately led to his superiors firing him. His firing would have come sooner if his superiors were sober enough to remember what happened too. A former Enron Corp. executive who once worked on software changes to improve the company’s nationwide telecommunications network surrendered to the FBI Wednesday on charges of fraud, money laundering, insider trading and conspiracy. Or as Enron employees call it: Wednesday. Tina Fey: More than 100 men and women gathered in San Francisco this past weekend for the city's second annual public "Masturbate-a-Thon", which raises money for charity. The charities were happy to take the money, but said they'd rather not know from where it came. Witnesses of the "Masturbate-a-Thon" said it was the most shaking felt in San Francisco since the 1906 earthquake that destroyed the city. Australia's Swinburne University of Technology has introduced a drag queen make-up course to meet rising demands. Targeted at occasional drag queens, cross dressers and make-up students, class members will have the opportunity to don wigs and their favorite dresses at the end of the make-up course as they take on their complete drag queen persona. This course will replace Introduction To Normal Human Behavior in next Fall's curriculum. Jimmy Fallon: On Wednesday, West Hollywood became the first city in the United States to ban pet owners from removing the claws of their cats. The ban on declawing came into effect after more than a year of campaigning by animal rights activists who say there are kinder ways of stopping cats scratching people and furniture. Suprisingly, declawing is already condemned in many Asian countries, where cat owners opt instead to eat them. There was quite an uproar at Glenbrook North High School when seniors pushed the junior girls in the mud and forced them to eat dirt, fish guts and pet food. The juniors were then kicked around and had human excrement poured on top of them. Though soon afterwards it was discovered they were just shooting Christina Aguilera’s new video. Tina Fey: In South Africa a man walked into the butcher's area of a local supermarket and cut his own head off with a band saw. Police have yet to determine a motive for the apparent suicide, but investigators did find a copy of Madonna's American Life CD in his car stereo. Jimmy Fallon: 'N Sync crooner Justin Timberlake signed a deal to work as a special sports correspondent for the TBS and TNT networks. [pauses a moment, then explodes] Dammit! Here I am, busting my hump behind the desk every week, planning and pining to land the sports beat, and Justin FREAKING Timberlake weasels his way into my dream job! Where's the justice?! Tina Fey: Jimmy, you're not a real reporter, you're wearing surf shorts under this desk, and your actual dream job is starring in a sitcom. And according to the grapevine, that's exactly what you'll be doing this fall. Jimmy Fallon: Oh, wait Tina, you're right. [muttering] Freakin' Timberlake. Tina Fey: President Bush said this week that he favors a bill that was introduced Thursday that would permanently ban assault weapons. Bush went on to comment, “However, if you are a resident of Texas, by all means, assault weapons a-go, go!” Newsweek magazine reported that morality authority and former U.S. drug czar William Bennett has wagered millions of dollars in casinos over the years, possibly losing up to eight million dollars. Weekend Update could not reach Bennett for comment because he spent all week playing his cell phone's teensy version of blackjack. Jimmy Fallon: The cliffside formation called the Old Man of the Mountain, which the state of New Hampshire used for its U.S. quarter design, unexpectedly collapsed into a pile of rubble this week. The collapse instantly rendered New Hampshire's quarter design as the second stupidest in the nation, behind Delaware's "horse-riding guy from Monopoly." 
And, taking a cue from their younger brother, The Jackson Five attempted another comeback this week. Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
