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Mario The Spastic Colon.....Horatio Sanz Doctor Tune-up.....Tracy Morgan Liver.....Dan Aykroyd Liver#2.....Rachel Dratch Rectum.....Will Forte Goth Chick.....Amy Poehler Heart.....Darrell Hammond George W. Bush.....Chris Parnell Brain.....Chris Kattan Spleen.....Dean Edwards Kidney.....Maya Rudolph Sick Kidney.....Tina Fey [Scene: A graphic for 'Your Insides Out' appears on the screen. Super 'We now return to.'] Singers: (singing offscreen as Mario the Spastic Colon enters and begins running around in circles) He's always going going going You're packing what's he's holding He's Mario the Spastic Colon You know you really love him and you wouldn't feel right without 'em He's Mario the Spastic Colon [Music and singing stops. Mario the Spastic Colon does one more run around in a circle motion accompanied by a fart-like/propeller plane sound effect. Note that every character is dressed as his anatomical name suggests. So Mario the Spastic Colon is dressed up in a costume resembling a colon. And so on for all anatomically named characters.] Mario the Spastic Colon: Alright, thank you everybody. A big hand for Sphincter on sound effects. Nice work man. Welcome back to 'Your Insides Out', the show that teaches young people all about anatomy. Now it's time for...Audience Question of the Day! (patting costume) Let's see, I had that question around here somewhere. Audience: (offscreen. Chanting.) Spaz...spaz....spaz....spaz. Mario the Spastic Colon: What? What was that? I can't hear you! Audience: (offscreen. Chanting loudly) SPAZ...SPAZ...SPAZ...SPAZ. [Tight shot of Mario the Spastic Colon as he begins to go into convulsions then he lets out a yell. Cut to wide shot and we see a piece of paper under Mario the Spastic Colon.] Mario the Spastic Colon: There it is! (picks up paper) Thanks you guys. (semi tight shot now) Alright, let's see now...(Cut to Goth Chick who has a 'The Golden Age of Grotesque' T-shirt on.) Becky from Row 4 asks... (cut back to Mario the Spastic Colon. Reading.) 'Mario, you look so weird!'...oh man, we got a tough crowd today...'You look so weird. What planet are you from?' What a silly billy. You Becky are a silly silly billy. (quick shot of Goth Chick giving the British middle finger and then back) I might look weird but I'm a part of what makes up every person on the planet. So of course, I'm from Planet Earth! Ha ha, where did you think I was from....Uranus? (rimshot) Ha ha ha... [Enter Rectum with trash can.] Mario the Spastic Colon: Hey it's our pal Rectum. (throwing paper in trash.) Thanks man. (Rectum turns to leave.) Hey wait a minute Rectum, why so down in the dumps? [Rectum responds with a 'whaa whaa' sound effect.] Mario the Spastic Colon: (nodding his head) Oh geez...Bowel still hasn't moved? [Rectum responds with a 'whaa whaa' sound effect.] Mario the Spastic Colon: You see folks, Rectum's dog Bowel hasn't moved for days. (cut to shot of dog laying down in front of a dog house that has a sign which reads 'BOWEL' over it's door.) Things just aren't the same around here if our Rectum doesn't get a lick from his best friend every morning. (Scratching his head) I need an idea...but where can I get an idea... Audience: (offscreen. Chanting.) Spaz...spaz....spaz....spaz. Mario the Spastic Colon: (semi-tight shot) I think I miiiight have an idea.... Audience: (offscreen. Chanting loudly) SPAZ... (cut quickly to Goth Chick who's happily chanting along. She notices camera is on her and changes expression and waves her fist at camera. Cut back to Mario the Spastic Colon.) SPAZ...SPAZ...SPAZ. [Mario the Spastic Colon does his convulsions thing.] Mario the Spastic Colon: That's it. (Cut to wide shot. There is a prune Danish underneath Mario the Spastic Colon. He picks it up.) Here you go Rectum, try this. [Rectum exits.] Mario the Spastic Colon: I'll bet that prune Danish gets Bowel moving again! Let's see what happens. [Cut to shot of Bowel eating the prune Danish and then licking Rectum.] Mario the Spastic Colon: We have Bowel movement! And now everybody's happy in Inside Out Land. [Liver stumbles into shot with a bottle of Jack Daniels.] Liver: I'm not happy! Mario the Spastic Colon: Hey look everybody it's our good friend Liver. He detoxifies chemicals in our body and he also produces bile... Liver: Shuttup! You think you're so smart...don't you college boy! (mocking) Oh look at me, I went to Harvard. Spaz, spaz, spaz. I'm a freak! Mario the Spastic Colon: (trying to stay in character) Well...looks like Liver is trying to detoxify a bottle of Jack Daniels...you know Liver, too much drinking can cause you permanent damage. Liver: You stink! Permanent damage. My wife just left me, jackass! How's that for permanent damage. That's why I'm drinking! You hear me. Cause my wife said she was embarrassed to be around a slob like me! It's true...I'm a slob... Mario the Spastic Colon: Do you suppose that has anything to do with your chronic drinking problem? [Liver looks enraged and then falls over.] Mario the Spastic Colon: Oh oh, looks like I better give a shout out to Dr. Tune-Up. (yelling) Dr. Tune-up! Dr. Tune-Up: Hello Mario. (puts on rubber glove) Is it time for our little visit again? Mario the Spastic Colon: No no, you'll have to book an appointment with Rectum for that. This is an emergency. It's Liver. I think something's wrong. Dr. Tune-Up: Oh dear. Liver looks swollen and (kicking Liver) he's as hard as a rock. I'm afraid Liver won't be part of Inside Out Land for much longer. Mario the Spastic Colon: But we can't have Inside Out Land if there's no Liver! [Enter Spleen.] Spleen: Never fear, Spleen is here! Mario the Spastic Colon: Please Spleen, not now. [Spleen folds his arms and sulks.] Dr. Tune-Up: I'm getting a message through my ear-piece. You're in luck Mario. Looks like we have a replacement. Mario the Spastic Colon: A replacement? Dr. Tune-Up: Yes, I'm going to replace your nonfunctioning organ with a brand new one. [Dr. Tune-up starts kicking Liver who gets up and stumbles off stage. Dr. Tune-up returns with Liver #2.] Liver #2: I'm simply detoxifying! Mario the Spastic Colon: Oh the wonders of medicine! Thank you Dr. Tune-up...how can I ever repay you? Dr. Tune-Up: 50,000 dollars will do nicely! Mario the Spastic Colon: Ha ha, very funny Dr. Tune-up. Dr. Tune-Up: No, I'm serious. You better have health insurance! [Enter Heart carrying a baseball bat. Heart runs amuck and starts bashing Spleen, Mario the Spastic Colon and Dr. Tune-up.] Mario the Spastic Colon: Help Dr. Tune-up, do something. Dr. Tune-Up: I'll be right back! [Exit Dr. Tune-up as Heart is running around swinging the bat.] Spleen: Don't worry I'll save the day! [Spleen gets hit with baseball bat.] Spleen: Help, somebody save Spleen! [Heart is pounding on Spleen. Dr. Tune-up returns with a defibrillator machine with those crazy paddles.] Dr. Tune-Up: (placing paddles on Heart.) CLEAR! [Heart falls to the ground and drops baseball bat.] Mario the Spastic Colon: What happened Dr. Tune-up? Dr. Tune-Up: It looks like we were attacked by Heart and I want to find out why...(Heart gets to his feet.) What's going on Heart? Heart: Oh Dr. Tune-up thank you...I don't know what happened. Last thing I remember I was at McDonald's with Brain enjoying Cheeseburgers and fries... Dr. Tune-Up: (yelling) Brain, get your (Adam Sandler reference) medulla oblongata in here! [Enter Brain.] Brain: What is it now... Dr. Tune-Up: What have I told you...excercise and eat right. [Brain burps.] Brain: You're not the boss of me. [ George W. Bush enters scene.] George W. Bush: [to Heart.] Are you alright? I would have been here sooner but there was some jerk in the 4th row who wouldn't let me past. [Cut to Goth Chick giving the rock n' roll sign.] Mario the Spastic Colon: Mr. President? What are you doing here? George W. Bush: Mario, it's an honor to meet you. I love this show. Actually I love it so much I snuck away from the Secret Service to be here. I was sitting in the back row so no one would recognize me. (staring at Mario) Spaz, spaz, spaz, spaz.... [Mario smiles awkwardly as George W. Bush gets right up in his face while chanting 'Spaz'.] Mario the Spastic Colon: Ummm, alright Mr. President. Thanks for stopping by. George W. Bush: No problem, but I want to make sure my pal is alright. You alright Heart? Heart: Yeah, I feel better now Mr. President. Thank you sir. George W. Bush: You're my favorite...don't forget that. [Heart acts bashful. George W. Bush tickles him. They start to roughhouse. Brain is standing about 4 feet away from them. He has his arms folded and after watching George W. Bush and Heart for a bit he rolls his eyes. George W. Bush notices Brain's aloofness. George W. Bush picks up baseball bat and begins to pummel Brain.] George W. Bush: This is all your fault! Brain: (running offscreen) OUCH, my meninges! [Exit Brain and George W. Bush.] Mario the Spastic Colon: Well, Dr. Tune-up I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. [Heart turns around and sticks out his butt.] Heart: (doing a ventriloquist type voice and making it look like his butt is talking.) Thank you Dr. Tune-up. Dr. Tune-Up: Please, it was my pleasure...now if you'll just pay me, I'll be on my way. [Awkward pause.] Spleen: Maybe I can help! Mario the Spastic Colon: Do you have any money? Spleen: No. Mario the Spastic Colon: (ignoring Spleen) Look Dr. Tune-up we don't use money here in Inside Out Land. There must be something we can do to repay you. Dr. Tune-Up: Hmmm, how about you let me take out one of your kidneys? Mario the Spastic Colon: Sure, I'm sure they'd love to go out with you...(calling to Kidney and Sick Kidney offscreen.) Kidneys! [Enter Kidney and Sick Kidney. Kidney looks like a kidney while SickKidney is dressed in high boots and is wearing a ton of makeup and a sash that reads Ms. Nude Organ 2003.] Dr. Tune-Up: Against my better judgement...I'll take out the sick one. [Sick Kidney and Dr. Tune-up link arms. Kidney looks mad.] Mario the Spastic Colon: Say Dr. Tune-up do you think you can take Spleen with you? Dr. Tune-Up: Sure, you don't really need him around anyway. [Dr. Tune-up and Sick Kidney leave and take a reluctant Spleen along with them.] Mario the Spastic Colon: Well, we sure had an exciting day today. We'll see u all next week. This is Mario the Spastic Colon saying...oh what was I saying again... Audience: (offscreen and loudly) SPAZ....SPAZ....SPAZ.....SPAZ! [Mario the Spastic Colon begins running around in circles.] Singers: (sung to a different tune than the first song.) We've taken our insides out to show you what we're all about From your head to your big toe We hope you enjoyed our show goodbye from Marioooh, Marioooh, Marioooh the Spastic Colon! Spleen: (offscreen) And me, SPLEEN! I'm important dammit! [Fade Out to last 45 seconds or so of Foo Fighter's 'Live In Skin'.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
