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Gary.....Horatio Sanz Bill.....Dan Aykroyd [ open midday to two fishermen in a boat, lots of tackle gear, drinking beer, Bill is casting at scene in, while Gary is reeling his in ] Bill: Sure is a great day to be fishing. Gary: The best. You caught anything? Bill: No. You? Gary: Nah. [ brief pause ] So what are you 'doing' today? Bill: My wife thinks that I am shopping around for the perfect fertilizer for her to use in the garden. 'Course I already bought the stuff and it's sitting in the shed behind the house. Gary: Good one! My boss thinks that I'm spending quality time with my girlfriend and her parents in the Adirondacks. Joke's on him though, I'm still a wild single! [ motions enthusiastically ] Ha ha! How'd you get out of work? Bill: Well, as far as my boss is concerned, I am currently attending to my elderly aunt Helen who recently lost both her legs due to an infection following a rabbit bite. I told him she'd probably need me at least four more times this month. Gary: Heheh, fooled him… Bill: And I told my aunt Helen that the Mafia had a contract out on me if I came within pissing distance of the city. She'll believe almost anything. Gary: Dude… I thought you were making that stuff up about your aunt. Bill: Well, she wouldn't have lost those legs if she didn't freak out and start jumping in all the animal cages when I took her shopping for a goldfish last month. The way I see it, a woman who can get into deep philosophical arguments with a mirror doesn't need any more company. Gary: I just feel kind of bad for her. Bill: Did we come here to fish or to worry about psychotic near-dead relatives? Gary: Alright, alright… [ Bill's cell phone rings ] Bill: [ answering the cell phone ] Y'Hello [ gibberish heard through phone ] I know, I know… this is taking longer than expected. Hey, I have a question for you, were you looking to put rhododendrons in the garden [ bit more gibberish ] all right [ to Gary ] Yeah, there's going to be rhododendrons in this garden, do you think this fertilizer can take the strain of nitrogen absorbance? Gary: Uh…uh yeah, I guess so… Bill: [ to phone ] Did you hear him, he said the rhododendrons will be all right with this type I got, honey… [ more gibberish is heard ] What type is it? It's, ummm, [ looks around in boat, holds up empty beer can ] it's Bud-wisener, brand, you know, for the plant buds, yeah, wait just one second though [ to Gary ] Do you think it can handle tulips? [ shakes head and mouths the word "NO" ] Gary: [ not understanding ] Err, yeah. Bill: Even yellow tulips? [ shakes head more vigorously, practically screaming "NO" ] Gary: OOH. Yellow tulips, umm, no, there's uh, no way whatsoever this fertilizer will handle those. In fact, there's nothing in this, uh, store that can handle, uh, yellow tulips. Bill: [ Back into phone ] Damn it! I thought I had found the right stuff, looks like I'll have to keep looking, see you when I get back hon- [ some gibberish is heard over phone ] Am I fishing? No! Of course not. [ more gibberish ] Where is my rod? I thought I told you, it's being refitted at the fly reel shop [ more gibberish ] See you in a few hours honey, love you [ bit more ] bye [ ends call, exhales heavily ] That was close. Thanks for helping me out Gary, I owe you a beer for that one. Gary: I dunno man, I'm not sure I really liked doing that to your wife. Bill: C'mon Gary. It's a beautiful day out. So maybe the fish aren't biting so much, but still, you can't sit there with that beer in one hand and tell me you'd rather be back at your office writing reports. I mean, just try and tell me that. Say "I'd rather be back at my office writing reports." Gary: Man, I'm not gonna say that. Bill: C'mon Gary, say it; say it like you really mean it! Gary: [ weakly ] I'd rather be back at my office writing reports. Bill: See! You don't mean it. [ brief pause ] Let's just keep fishing. Gary: I guess… [ Bill's cell phone rings again ] Bill: [ answering cell ] Y'Hello [ gibberish heard through phone ] I'm sorry, Helen, I'm trying to get into the city right now, anyway… uh oh, I think one of them spotted me [ to Gary, hand over phone ] C'mon, be the mafia guy for me. Gary: Man, this is your aunt! I can't believe you do this to her? Bill: Just this once is all I'm asking. Gary: [ giving in ] Okay. [ Bill removes his hand from the phone ] Gary: [ in deep voice ] Hey, ugly! Step any closer and I'll blow your head off. Bill: I gotta worry about this guy, cya tomorrow, Helen. [ hangs up ] Thanks again Gary, I owe you- [ phone rings again ] Y'Hello [ gibberish heard through phone ] Hey Rob, sorry I couldn't come into work 'cause I'm busy here with my aunt Helen [ gestures to Gary, who gestures refusal while the next lines are spoken ] Yeah, just me and Helen here talking a stroll through the park. It's such a great day for a walk, I am so glad I can spend it with my elderly aunt Helen, yessiree, just me and my aunt Helen [ Gary finally gives in ] Isn't it a great day Helen? Gary: [ high-pitched, shaky voice ] It's a great day! Bill: See Rob, just spending the day with my aunt Helen! [ more gibberish is heard ] You spoke to my wife? [ more gibberish ] Well, of course, I'm looking for fertilizer! Me and Helen are looking at all types of fertilizer, right Helen? Gary: [ still high-pitched ] I love fertilizer! Bill: Yeah, there was this park between the two fertilizer stores, and I figured, 'Why drive?' Helen here needs a bit of fresh air- [ beeping is heard ] Hold on, I got another call [ presses button ] Y'Hello [ gibberish again ] Hey, Aunt Helen! What a surprise! I was just talking to you, what, thirty seconds ago? [ gibberish ] Actually, I'm still running from that other guy [ starts panting heavily ] uh-oh here he comes [ motions to Gary to attack him, who tries to refuse while the next lines are spoken in panic ] He's coming right at me, there's not much I can do, I'm gonna have to fight him, he's really huge and really ugly, and coming right at me, if I'm not careful it could be the end, and he stinks like an ox, and- [ at that comment, Gary gives in and starts wrestling Bill, who drops phone into the boat ] Gary: [ deep voiced ] I'm gonna break your legs so you'll be in a wheelchair just like your aunt Helen! Bill: [ grappling ] Hey! Don't you say anything about Helen! [ throws Gary into the water ] [ Gary is splashing around while Bill retrieves his phone from the bottom of the boat ] Bill: Hey, [ gibberish on phone ] Oh, Rob! Am I fishing? Of course not! [ gibberish ] What's that splashing? Well, Helen, uh, fell into the river. I'm gonna need to call you back later while I fish her out and take her home. [ gibberish ] No more trips to see my aunt? Aww, c'mon [ gibberish ] My aunt's drowning while you're talking to me here! Good-bye! [ turns phone off and pulls Gary back into the boat ] Gary: [ peeved ] Why don't you turn your phone off, so we can just fish? Bill: Fine, fine. [ Gary goes to bait hook as camera cuts to zoomed out shot of boat on lake ] Gary: Weren't there a lot more worms earlier? Bill: Well, I was getting hungry and we haven't caught any fish yet. Gary: Man, this is the last time I go fishing with you. end Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
