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Receptionist.....Rachel Dratch Mr. Carrouche.....Dan Aykroyd Max.....Jeff Richards Mother.....Amy Poehler Mrs. Marcus (in video).....Maya Rudolph Customer (in video).....Darrell Hammond [ open on interior, Mr. Carrouche's office. He peers out the window despondently while drinking from a cup of coffee. He walks over to his desk, sits and stares into a pocket mirror smiling at himself. ] Mr. Carrouche: YOU.. are a handsome man. You are the envy of your peers. The size of your yacht makes people jealous - as well they should. [ a beat ] You could kill a salesman today.. but will such pleasure last..? [ intercom on desk buzzes ] Voice of Receptionist: Mr. Carrouche? Your nine o'clock interview is here. Mr. Carrouche: [ gruff ] Dammit, woman! I told you NEVER to interrupt me while I'm doing my mantra! Voice of Receptionist: I-I'm sorry.. I had no idea you were in the middle of your mantra.. your light was on.. Mr. Carrouche: That's it! From now on, I'm putting a sock on the doorknob to keep you out! Voice of Receptionist: Um.. wouldn't a Post-It note be more sanitary? Mr. Carrouche: I think a better question is: Does a rope leave fingerprints? If the answer's no, watch your back! Voice of Receptionist: Okay. So.. do you want me to send this guy in or what? Mr. Carrouche: [ looks to the sky, shaking his head ] I guess so.. you've already broken my morning concentration. [ Mr. Carrouche's office door opens, as his Receptionist appears ] Receptionist: Mr. Carrouche? Your 9 o'clock - Max Phillips.. and his mother. Mr. Carrouche: [ confused ] Say what? His mother? I'm looking for a salesman with iron nerves, not a chump who needs someone to hold his hands crossing the street! Max: [ enters the office dressed in a coat and tie, he walks dramatically with his head cocked to his side as his mother follows at a slight distance ] Please forgive my mother, Mr. Carrouche. You see, this is an important day for her - as well as our viewers. For the past forty days, my trials and tribulations have consisted of experiencing the red tape circles of the unemployment line, and experimenting with new uses for balogna. For the record, it makes a half-decent magnet as long as you're willing to overlook the eventual smell. Mother: [ behind video camera ] That's my boy. Give Mama a smile! Mr. Carrouche: Look, now, Phillips! I don't know what kind of game this is, but we'll have none of it here! I run a respectable business! Max: This is a sales position, isn't it? Mr. Carrouche: Alright, you got me - semi-respectable business! Now, lady, you'll have to leave. Mother: [ places camera on top of bookcase ] Well, alright.. I suppose I can prop the video camera on this bookcase, as long as you promise to stay in-frame. Max: Excuse me sir, allow me to explain. This is my Mom. She's my cameraman. Mr. Carrouche: Wait a minute, your mom's a man? Max: No, she's a woman. Mr. Carrouche: Then call her a camerawoman! Or a cameraperson! I run a politically-correct office through and through, because I'm tired of being sued by sensitive losers! Now, what is this business with the camera? Max: Well, sir, everyone has their own reality show these days. I do mine for my neighbors. Mother: I find it fulfilling to give something back to the community. Mr. Carrouche: [ sits at his desk ] Well.. as long as it's for a good cause. Why don't we get started. Did you bring a copy of your resume, Phillips? Max: Noo resume sir, but I've got something better. [ retrieves a disc from his coat packet ] I burned a sort of "greatest hits" collection of my past job moments. If you have a DVD drive on your computer, you should be able to- Mr. Carrouche: Yes, I have a DVD drive! [ rolls his eyes ] Alright, let's see it. [ takes the disc from Max and loads it ] Max: This first chapter is from my Boy Scout days, when our troop would sell cookies door-to-door.. [ cut to footage on disc, Boy Scouts at a neighbor's door ] Young Max: Hello, Mrs. Marcus. We're selling cookies to raise money for a camping trip. How many can I put you down for? Mrs. Marcus: I'm sorry, not today, boys. [ shuts her door ] Young Max: That's it, she asked for it. [ to the other scouts ] Boys, prepare your eggs.. and.. fire! [ they all throw eggs at Mrs. Marcus' door ] [ cut back to Mr. Carrouche and Max watching the disc ] Mr. Carrouche: I admire your technique. Did you eventually make the sale? Max: Nah, the old bag still won't budge! Mr. Carrouche: We're adults now, I got a couple of goons you can borrow if you don't mind leaving a security deposit. What else you got on here? Max: Uh, let's skip ahead to Chapter 3. This is my first after-school job working the counter at McDonald's.. [ cut to footage on disc, teenage Max working the counter ] Teen Max: Welcome to McDonald's! Would you like to try our new- Customer: I just want a Big Mac, fries and a Coke. Teen Max: No problem. Hey, for a dollar more, you can Super-size your fries and drink, plus you'll have my personal guarantee that your Big Mac will never touch the kitchen floor. Customer: [ disgusted at the thought ] Only a dollar, you say? Fine. Teen Max: That'll be $2.45! [ cut back to Mr. Carrouche and Max watching the disc ] Mr. Carrouche: Phillips, I'm convinced you've got the skills needed to run my Sales division. The job is- [ the next chapter of the disc can be heard playing, the sound of Max singing Carly Simon's "Anticipation" ] Mr. Carrouche: [ looking at his screen ] Good God oh mighty, what the hell is this?! [ cut to footage on disc, Max sitting restlessly on a toilet ] Voice of Mom: Keep singing, Max, it'll come out! Max: "An-tic-i-pa-tion! It's making me late! It's keeping me wai-ai-ai-ai-aiting.." [ cut back to Mr. Carrouche and Max watching the disc; Mr. Carrouche looks at Max inquisitively ] Max: [ mock nervousness ] Oh, uh.. I have no idea how that got in there! Mr. Carrouche: What the hell's your mother doing videotaping you with your balls in the bowl?! Max: Well, you know, my mom dotes on me constantly. [ kidding around ] You're a rich guy, I guess you know what that's like, huh? Mr. Carrouche: [ outraged ] My mother left me when I was FOUR years old! Max: I'm sorry, I had no idea.. my bad.. Mr. Carrouche: Yeah, your bad. I'm sorry, Mr. Phillips, but I'm afraid I won't be offering you this job because you've insulted the essence of my being! Mother: Oh, Max, you blew it. Come on, let's get out of here, before I video you doing something else stupid. Mr. Carrouche: Mrs. Phillips, I find you to be an admirable woman for your ability to put up with your lunkhead of a son. Would I be able to interest you in adopting me on a part-time basis? The job pays $50,000 a year. Mother: Oohh.. that sounds better than earning royalties on a project that has no market value. I accept your offer, Mr. Carrouche! [ leaves her video camera on the bookcase ] Mr. Carrouche: Now.. can we go to the zoo? I've never been to the zoo. I want to go to the zoo! Mother: Absolutely. We'll even stop for ice cream. Mr. Carrouche: [ jumping up and down ] Goody, goody! I, uh.. I have to go potty first. Mother: Follow me. [ Max's mother and Mr. Carrouche exit the office, leaving Max alone; Mr. Carrouche's Receptionist re-enters ] Receptionsist: I'm afraid Mr. Carrouche has left for the day. You'll have to do the same, Mr. Phillips. Max: [ picks up the video camera ] Please.. call me Max. Receptionsist: Okay.. Max. Is that your camera? Max: It belongs to my mom. But she lets me use it from time to time. Receptionsist: Cool. I have my own webcam at my place. Maybe you'd like to stop by and see it in action? Max: [ holds up his camera ] Maybe we can have a simulcast? Receptionsist: [ looks at Max and smiles ] Bring your tripod. [ Max looks into his camera and gives the thumbs-up to his live viewers ] [ cut to spinning graphic of the Neighborhood Gazette, as it rests on on a photo of Max and the Receptionist lying in bed with the headline: "Max Phillips Show" Receives Highest Ratings Ever" ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
