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Martha Stewart....Amy Poehler Voice of Elmo....Rachel Dratch [Open with bumper segment from the Martha Stewart Living show.] Announcer [v/o]: And now, a word from Martha. Martha Stewart: Hello. As many of you know, as a sweeps stunt NBC plans to show a TV movie allegedly based on my life and career. [shakes her head then smiles] Martha Stewart: Now I've always said that success speaks for itself, and who can deny it - wealth and power to rival a queen is always a good thing. But those of you with lingering doubts, don't listen to me... listen to a very special friend, who graciously came to help in my time of need. [Pan over to Stewart's right... where we see the famous muppet Elmo, wearing a white apron and matching chef's hat.] Elmo: La la la la, la la la la, it's Martha's world... Hi everybody! [turns to Stewart] It's good to see you, Miss Martha. Martha Stewart: Hi Elmo, I'm glad to see you too. Thanks for helping out. Elmo: Sure! I tried to visit sooner, but you've been real busy and there's so much I still want to understand. [beat] Miss Martha, what does "S.E.C. investigation" mean? Martha Stewart: Elmo, I didn't think you were going to talk about that. Elmo: Oh Miss Martha, I enjoy learning all about my friends and what they do. Remember that time we made chocolate profiteroles? With the pat a sheeeeew paste? Martha Stewart: Of course I remember. Elmo: I just loooooooooove chocolate profiteroles! The ones we made were so yummy. [he tilts his head back and emits a tinkling little laugh, almost like tapping a crystal bell] Ha ha ha ha! Martha Stewart: And I loved making them with you, Elmo. Elmo: The only thing I love better than profiteroles is learning. Like learning to spell! Miss Martha, how do you spell "suh pee na"? Martha Stewart: Elmo, I'd like to keep making profiteroles, and all my other treats. But to do that, the public needs to trust me... remember what I taught you, about trust? Elmo: Oh yeah! [reciting from rote in a monotone voice] Elmo and all his muppet friends love Martha Stewart. We trust her and all her associates, and the thought that anyone who would say bad things about her makes us sad. [hides his face in his little red hands] No no no, Elmo is not hearing this! Martha Stewart: It's OK, Elmo, and thank you. I appreciate your support. Announcer: This has been a special message from Martha Stewart. [The stage lights dim, but not completely.] Elmo: So did I say it well enough, Miss Martha? Martha Stewart: I think so. Based on your Q ratings, we estimate an extra 30 percent of Monday's audience will watch sitcoms instead of the NBC movie. Elmo: Yeaaaay!! I really don't want anything to upset everything that you do for us. Can we expect the next batch by Tuesday? Martha Stewart: Yes. Tell Mr. Monster I'll whip up 100 cookies for him myself. [offstage]: ME WANT COOKIE! ME NEED COOKIE! Elmo: Please, Cookie Monster! I'm talking with Miss Martha and it's private! [to Stewart] Please remember that it's plain cookies for him, peanut butter for Zoe, and mine are macadamia with white chocolate. Martha Stewart: Ooooh, an aristocrat. Elmo: It's just like you say: they're a very Good Thing. [fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
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