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Mechanic #1.....Dan Aykroyd Mr. Johnson.....Dean Edwards Mechanic #2.....Horatio Sanz Boss.....Darrell Hammond [Sketch begins with Mr. Johnson (Edwards) and Mechanic #1 (Aykroyd) standing in front of the rear end of a Lexus sedan. Mr. Johnson is dressed in a suit and tie and looks to be a high-class businessman. The mechanic is wearing a standard mechanic’s uniform.] Mechanic #1: (scribbling on a clipboard) So…I should be able to patch that tire up in about 15, 20 minutes Mr. Johnson. Mr. Johnson: Will it operate as it had before? I mean, will I have to worry about it blowing out on the freeway or anything? Mechanic #1: No sir. As long as the bolt is lodged in the tread and not in the wall of the tire, everything should be just fine. And judging from the looks of your other tires, I imagine the one in your trunk is top-quality sir. Mr. Johnson: Yeah, well...it was hell having to get it in there, though, with it being flat and all. It was real heavy, especially after I had finished grappling with the jack for about thirty minutes to get this car up off the ground. Mechanic #1: Yeah, I hear ya…but I’m a mechanic, ya know, so I lift heavy things all day. Hell, you’re just a businessman...the only heavy thing you lift all day is your paycheck. Mr. Johnson: Well, I only receive a paycheck twice a month, but I have to admit, it is pretty heavy! (chuckles and slaps the mechanic playfully on the arm) Mechanic #1: (chuckles with him) Yeah…well I guess I can expect a pretty big tip then. Mr. Johnson: Oh…I didn’t know people tipped their mechanic… Mechanic #1: Well, some people do, some don’t... Mr. Johnson: Well hey, maybe I’ll start tipping my mechanic today. How’s that sound? Mechanic #1: Sounds good to me sir. (a beat as he tosses his clipboard onto a table off-screen) Well, as soon as ya can remove the tire from your trunk, I can get started. Like I said, it’ll take about 15, 20 minutes or so… Mr. Johnson: Well good…wait a minute, what? Mechanic #1: Yeah, it’ll take about 15, 20 minutes to patch up. I thought I mentioned that before... Mr. Johnson: No…you mean...I gotta take the tire out myself? Mechanic #1: Yeah. Mr. Johnson: I thought you guys did that. Mechanic #1: Well no…no we don’t…well…periodically we do, but not today. Guess it mostly depends on who’s on the clock, ya know. (chuckles and slaps Mr. Johnson playfully on the arm) Mr. Johnson: (looks down at where the mechanic’s hand was, as if his suit may now be tattered) Well…I would think it was standard practice for the mechanic to do such a job. Mechanic #1: Oh...so you’re sayin’ such a job too good for ya or somethin’... Mr. Johnson: No, that’s not what I’m saying. Mechanic #1: Oh ok, so what you’re saying is you’re a big bad businessman and you’re so wealthy you can’t take a tire out of your trunk for fear of doing poor man’s work, huh... Mr. Johnson: No! That’s not at all what I’m saying...what I meant was... Mechanic #1: (loudly to interrupt) Or…you’re really just saying your wife is prettier and your kids are smarter… Mr. Johnson: No! I mean, I don’t even know what your wife looks like… Mechanic #1: That’s good...‘cause she’s dead! Mr. Johnson: (shocked) Oh my god! Listen, I’m so sorry mister! I was just… Mechanic #1: (shouting to interrupt) And my kids all have cerebral palsy! Mr. Johnson: Listen...I didn’t say anything about your kids, ok, and I’m sorry about your wife. It’s just that I have a very important business meeting at two o’clock and I need to look my best. If I go in with tire marks all over my suit and shirt, I’ll be fired right outta there. Mechanic #1: Oh ok…so what you’re saying is appearance isn’t important in my line of work…that sophisticates like yourself should look great all the time and mechanics should always look dirty and grimy... Mr. Johnson: That’s not what I’m saying! Mechanic #1: Hey, ya want me to go to the bathroom and rub poop in my hair and sprinkle toilet water on top of it? I can do that if ya like... Mr. Johnson: No! Please don’t do that! (a beat) Listen, I didn’t say or imply any of those things alright! I’m just saying a mechanic doesn’t have to wear a perfectly clean uniform to sell a muffler or new tire, you know… Mechanic #1: Hey! Looks like the big executive comes up with a winning idea! How about instead of ya actually condescending to do some real work for the first time in your entire life, ya just buy a new tire! Mr. Johnson: I’m not buying a new tire! Mechanic #1: Ok then...take the tire out of your trunk! Mr. Johnson: No! Mechanic #1: Well, then go somewhere else to have your friggin’ tire fixed! Mr. Johnson: (glances at his watch) Dammit...my lunch break is almost over! I don’t have time to go anywhere else! Mechanic #1: Well, looks like you have a decision to make sir. Either take the tire out of your trunk now, or get to movin’! We got hard-working customers that have been waitin’ all day to take their own tires out... Mr. Johnson: Alright dammit...I’ll take the tire out! (Mr. Johnson takes off his black coat and removes his white, button-up shirt and red tie, essentially stripping down to his bare chest.) Mechanic #1: You gotta nice body there, Mr. Johnson…great build... Mr. Johnson: (half-heartedly, as he pulls out his keys to pop the trunk) Thanks… Mechanic #1: I guess you’ve been workin’ out at that new fancy upscale gym downtown with all your richie-rich friends... Mr. Johnson: Shut up! (Mr. Johnson pulls out the flat tire, and throws it down hard on the shop floor) There! Are ya happy now??? Mechanic #1: Yes sir. I’ll have that fixed right up in about 15, 20 minutes. Mr. Johnson: Good...and don’t expect a tip! [Mr. Johnson bends down, picks up his clothes, and walks off hastily to the left. A few seconds later, another mechanic (Sanz) and the boss of the shop (Hammond) walk in from the right.] Mechanic #2: What was that all about? Boss: (seemingly angry) Yeah, what the hell is goin’ on over here? Mechanic #1: Ahh, nothing really. Just another businessman who thinks he’s too good to take a tire out of his trunk. Boss: Yeah? Mechanic #1: Yeah. Mechanic #2: Well...did he take it out? Mechanic #1: Yeah, finally. (a beat) Now…pay up losers! [Both begin rummaging through their pockets for the money they owe.] Mechanic #2: Dude, I can’t believe you got another one to take his tire out! Boss: Yeah, that’s two in a row today! Mechanic #2: Hey...and what about that thing with your wife being dead and your children having cerebral palsy...that was awesome! Where’d you get that stuff? Mechanic #1: Well...that stuff was true…except for the part about my children having cerebral palsy…they really have spinal meningitis. Mechanic #2: (morbidly) Well…dude…you’re still the best, man! Boss: You most certainly are! Mechanic #1: Well guys, all I have to say is when ya have it, ya have it! [They hand him the money they owe.] Mechanic #1: Another payday for me fellas! (now holding up the money and looking to the left) See Mr. Johnson...here’s my tip! [Everyone chuckles as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
