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Sonya Fitzpatrick.....Amy Poehler Martin Thingie.....Jeff Richards Emily Thingie.....Maya Rudolph Theodore Beavoir.....Darrell Hammond Announcer/Voiceover.....Chris Parnell (opens up on the Animal Planet menu screen) Announcer: Later tonight on Animal Planet, see the miraculous recoveries of injured animals with “Emergency Vet” at 9:30! Then, get ready to get wild with the “Crocodile Hunter” at ten! But coming up next, it’s time to communicate with nature…with “Tree Psychic”! (Shows opening of “Tree Psychic”, music plays and the montage shows the host stroking and watering trees, shows her laughing and smiling, then shows a close-up of her grinning satanic face, then shows logo. “Animal Planet” symbol is in bottom right-hand corner.) Voiceover: Born in a quiet rural town in Central England, Sonya Fitzpatrick suffered a profound hearing loss in both ears, making it easy to communicate with animals…and trees. At an early age, she realized that she had a gift, thus making her…the Tree Psychic! (Sonya walks out onto the set, people are clapping, some holding small potted trees. She speaks with an English accent.) Sonya: Hello, everyone! I am Sonya Fitzpatrick, welcome to my show! Most of you know me as the Pet Psychic…but recently…I’ve had a vision. Actually, I’ve had this vision ever since I was fifteen. You see, my father once grew Christmas trees, and every year he would sell them for the holidays. But one particular year, I met a tree named Cody. Cody became my very best friend, and we would play fun games, one of which was “find the sticky syrup”. I loved Cody, and Cody loved me. Then one day in December, to my horror, I saw my father cut Cody down, then sold him to a blind lady. I hated my father after that. Every night I cried into my pillow. So I took my father’s axe, and retaliated. Sixty years later, here I am…talking to trees. But never mind my story…I want to know yours! (Everyone in the room claps. The Psychic sits next to a couple with a small potted tree.) Sonya: Hello! It looks quite pleasant over here! May I sit? (couple looks excited) Emily: Of course! Wow! I’m Emily Thingie and this is my husband, Martin Thingie. Sonya: Hello, darling. (she strokes the small tree) Emily: Well, this is my dogwood… Sonya: Beautifull… Emily: But lately, it just won’t grow! Sonya: Hmm….(she whispers to the tree)…tell me darling…really? You don’t say! Martin: What is it? Sonya: Shh! I’m feeling the tree’s aura. (she continues to whisper)…Yes, tell me…(she puts her ear up to the tree) Really? That’s a lovely name! Oh…oh yes, I see. Emily: What did it say? Sonya: “It”?? My dear lady, your tree’s name is Matthew. Please, remember that. Emily: Oh…uh… Sonya: Now. Matthew is sad. Martin: He is? Sonya: Yes. He says that he refuses to grow. Martin: Why? Sonya: He wants to know why you cut down his brother. Emily: He has a brother?? Sonya: He also thinks you’re dumb. Emily: Uh…well, we did have a tree cut down in our front yard…it was interfering with the power lines… Emily: He says he hates you and you will burn in Hell. He also says that if you dig him up and drive him to this years’ Dogwood Festival, he says he’ll wrap his limbs around your face so you can’t see where you’re going so you’ll crash and die. Emily: Oh…wow…(she looks terrified)…this is amazing…(she looks at her husband) You’re driving home! Sonya: Well I hope you enjoyed your reading! Goodbye Matthew! (she pets the tree) Martin: No, YOU’RE driving home!! (Sonya walks back to the middle of the room) Sonya: This is what it is all about, folks! Don’t be astonished, I am merely a messenger, and the message is clear…trees are people too. Now I think I’ll come over here… (she walks over to a man with a picture of a tree.) Hello, sir! What is your name? Theodore: My name is Theodore Beavoir, and this is my tree. (He gives the psychic the picture.) I don’t really know what kind it is…but I feel we are growing apart. (She examines the picture, then sniffs it, as if it were cocaine.) Sonya: Her name is Chloe. She seems disturbed… Theodore: Really? Sonya: Yes. Now, I will try to amplify my brainwaves to reach her…this may take a moment… (she closes her eyes for a few seconds, her lip quivers, the she re-opens her eyes.) I’ve just spoken to her telepathically…she wants you to ask your dog to please stop urinating on her. Theodore: Wow! Sonya: Yes, she says the ammonia smell is nauseating. Plus, she also would like you to buy some thicker curtains. She says that your bedroom window is right next to her, and it appears that she does not fancy your homosexual escapades with your black gardener, Wilbur. Theodore: …Oh…um…(His eyes travel around the room)…I have no idea…this is just…….fair enough. (he bows his head in shame and stares at the floor. The Tree Psychic looks into the camera.) Sonya: Another end to another great episode. Exciting, wasn’t it? But this is about as much fun as the network can allow, for I am afraid we are out of time! And please, feel free to check out my new show on TLC titled, “Furniture Psychi”!! Until next time…cheerio! (fake credits roll down the screen. Fades to black) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
