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Scott Raulie, Mark Jennings Reese II & Alex Thomson
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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey .....Tracy Morgan Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: Good evening, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories. Earlier this week General Tommy Franks informed the Bush administration that the Ba'th Party operating in Iraq had been crushed. In response, President Bush added that the whole situation could have been avoided if they only took showers instead. Jimmy Fallon: Hey Tina, did you say Ba'th Party? Is that anything like a baby shower? Score one for Jimmy! [ holds his hand out to Tina for a high-five ] Tina Fey: You're really pathetic, you know that? Jimmy Fallon: What? Are jokes only supposed to be funny when you write them? Tina Fey: According to our salaries, I'd say so, Jimmy. I make $2 million a year, while Lorne only takes you out for pizza at the end of the season. Jimmy Fallon: Oh, yeah.. right.. pizza. [ daydreaming ] Mmm.. can't wait 'til tomorrow night! Tina Fey: In the UK a report has revealed that the government has taken tens of thousands of brains from corpses since the 1960s. Terrified by the news, Keith Richards refuses to sleep. Jimmy Fallon: A 60-year-old woman has admitted that she had an affair with President John F. Kennedy when she was a 19-year-old intern at the White House. While several political leaders are strongly against this woman’s actions, former president Bill Clinton was the first to stick a twenty down her top. Actor Jeffrey Jones, who got in trouble this past winter for soliciting a 14 year old boy to pose for pornographic pictures, says he wants to put the incident behind him. He went on to comment, “I like things put behind me.” 
Tina Fey: The world's first inflatable church opened its Gothic arches to worshippers on Tuesday to reveal a blow-up organ, a polyvinyl pulpit, an air-filled altar and fake stained glass windows. Though many people said they were impressed by the idea, they did admit to being disturbed by the oversized penises on the inflatable alter boys.
Recruiters for an Oregon mental health agency said they need to hire someone who can speak and understand Klingon. That's right, the language used by those honorable, not to mention fictional, warriors from Star Trek. Nationwide unemployment is hitting 6 percent, but Klingon translators are getting work -- kla'ppath grun'osh! [subtitle: Go figure!] Jimmy Fallon: Tongue-splitting, a surgical procedure that cuts a person's tongue cut down the middle so it becomes forked like a snake's, may soon be banned in Illinois. Advocates for the operation claim it can lead to spiritual awakening, but thome thurgery thurvivorth thay tongue-thplitting totally thuckth.
Actor Paul Hogan, known best as “Crocodile Dundee”, will be starring in a new movie about a straight man who pretends to be a homosexual; the title of the movie, “Chris Kattan’s Life Story”. Tina Fey: The Agricultural Preserve Advisory Committee agreed Friday to meet in June to review Michael Jackson's application to opt to paying higher property taxes on the Neverland Ranch that would gradually increase over the next decade. Here’s what I don’t get. I thought the Neverland Ranch was like the Playboy mansion for 12 and 13 year old boys. When did the Neverland Ranch become all about money? It use to just be about the pure simple pleasure of having an aging child molester have his way with a 7th grader. Jimmy Fallon: In an interview this week, Monica Lewinsky said, “The federal government should guarantee parents protection against testifying against their own children.” The interviewer then asked Lewinsky how she planned to get the government to guarantee such a request, Monica replied, “The answer my friend is blowing in the wind!” Also this week, actress Penelope Cruz announced that she will be shaving her head, going completely bald for her next movie. In a related story, Coke-Cola hasn’t returned any of Penelope’s calls. Tina Fey: Spanish-language TV network Telemundo surprised media buyers Tuesday night when it introduced Jennifer Lopez as its new production partner in what was described as a “multiyear” deal with the ubiquitous singer-actress and her manager Benny Medina. Congratulations to Mrs. Lopez on finally getting a real job. 
Local business owner Mike Byrd gives us a demonstration on toupees of the future.
Jimmy Fallon: Firemen in Germany had to use a 38.5-ton crane to hoist a German man weighing 660 pounds out of his apartment and take him to hospital on Monday. Hey Tina, you know what this means, don't you? Tina Fey: It's time for another Weekend Update Joke-Off? Jimmy Fallon: That's right. Let's do it! Tina Fey: Okay. He's so fat, his landlord had to install a form-fitting balcony! [ slaps timer ] Jimmy Fallon: Um.. after he left for the hospital, excited neighbors hurried to use the pool while they still had a chance! [ slaps timer ] Tina Fey: Every time he takes a shower, the rest of the building doesn't have any hot water the rest of the month! [ slaps timer ] Jimmy Fallon: Uh.. he's so big, they gave him two parking spaces - one for his car, and one for his shoes. [ slaps timer ] Tina Fey: When I asked him if I could spend the night, he offered his walk-in closet as a guest room! [ slaps timer ] Jimmy Fallon: Damn, Tina! You win again! 
Tina Fey: "Yes...(giggles devilishly) Catholic School Girls need plenty of spanking." The New York Times issued a 7,000-word story this week, explaining in corrections of one of their writers. Jayson Blair, the writer in question was forced to resign after being accused of plagiarism and fabrication. In further evidence that Blair was a falsified writer, the New York Times issued the statement, “We published his personal ad that read – ‘real good looking guy with huge cock’.” 
Jimmy Fallon: "I'm gonna shred that cheese gnarly bra! Do the Dew!" On Wednesday, actress Halle Berry broke her right arm while filming a scene for the supernatural thriller "Gothika". Actually, her arm was only sprained during the accident, but the condition worsened when actor Adrien Brody kissed it to make it better. It was reported this week that Oprah Whinfrey will continue to host her own talk show at least until the end of the 2007-2008 season. Yes, Oprah will continue to talk and talk, and yes, I will continue to mute and mute. Tina Fey: Actress Bernadette Peters missed the Saturday matinee performance of “Gypsy”. Critics are calling her absence, “the best acting she has ever done in her career.” Jimmy Fallon: Escendidos, a small Spanish restaurant was shut down after an inspection saw that some of the workers were children. The next day, the store was reopened and the inspector was ordered to give the midgets an apology. Tina Fey: Jimmy? What the hell was that? Jimmy Fallon: What? You told me to start writing my own jokes! Tina Fey: Yeah, funny ones, that joke was terrible! Jimmy Fallon: I'm sorry Tina, I'll try to write a better joke next time. (Jimmy turns to the audience's right and yells) Tracy, your fired! (Tracy enters) Tracy Morgan: What? Jimmy Fallon: Your fired, that joke was lamer than a Bob Saget show. Tracy Morgan: Are you kidding? That joke was hilarious! Tina Fey: Tracy, you wrote that joke? Tracy Morgan: Yeah, why? You want me to write for you too? Tina Fey: No, I... Tracy Morgan: Don't be shy Tina, I'll write your jokes for you too (goes and hugs her) but you'll have to pay me and I don't accept money! Tina Fey: Uhh... Tracy? Tracy Morgan: I know what your thinking. It's cool, me and my wife talked about it and we agreed that we can both sleep with the people on our list. Tina Fey: You have lists? Tracy Morgan: Yeah! Check it out! (Screen shows a piece of paper) 1. Maya Rudolph 2. Amy Poehler 3. Tina Fey 4. Starr Jones 5. Ana Gasteyer (Back to them) But I won't do Ana no more, she had a baby and I don't be doing women that are married. Tina Fey: Tracy, I'm married! Tracy Morgan: Well, you're the exception! Tina Fey: Tracy, I don't want you to write jokes for me or Jimmy and I certainly do not want to sleep with you. Tracy Morgan: (hugging Tina) That's alright girl, you can't say it on live T.V. because your husband is watching, we'll discuss it later! Tina Fey: Tracy Morgan everyone!! Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
