|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Andy Stratham.....Keanu Reeves Annie Stratham.....Rachel Dratch Terrence Majors.....Will Forte Stage Manager.....Dean Edwards [ open on kitchen, counter in foreground with all necessary ingredients spread around on it, standing behind the counter is Andy Stratham, in apron and tall chef hat ] Andy Stratham: Hello, and thanks for joining me on "Dessert Oasis" today. I am your host, Andy Stratham, and before we get started on our Caramel Coconut Pie, I'd like to speak out about a few "rumors" you may have heard. Now, and bear with me on this one-I'm still a little surprised by it myself-but you may have heard that this show, "Dessert Oasis," has been having a bit of what we'll call a "budget problem." I would like to assure all of my viewers, that this "budget problem" is really nothing. We've had to cut a few corners, here and there, but you will still get the same, quality TV show. For example, when I make my Golden Pineapple Spice Cake next week, instead of importing fresh pineapples from St. Croix, we will be using a generic brand 12 ounce can shoplifted from Super Stop and Shop. [ with a weak fury ] An absolutely terrible substitute, the canned pineapples have a mother-kissing 28.4 percent added sucrose, which inhibits the intake of airborne nitrogen, so the cake will not fluff as much as it should. Another thing to remember when buying canned pineapples: they are grown in a histidine-starved environment, which directly affects- Terrence Majors: [ off-screen ] We're on the clock, Andy, back to the pie. Andy Stratham: Oh, yeah. Thanks. Terrence Majors, our producer, everybody [ shot of Terrence who is stiffly pointing at his watch; cut back to Andy ] Here to assist me today is my very talented sister, Annie. [ Annie enters set ] Annie Stratham: Hi, Andy. Glad to be back. Andy Stratham: So, how have you been since we last saw you on the show? Annie Stratham: Well, we only had a twenty minute break after taping the last episode… I feel good I guess… I had a tuna sandwich, watched a Frasier rerun in the break room- Andy Stratham: Let's just get back to today's pie. [ holds up a packaged store-bought crust ] Now if you take out the pie crust that we were unfortunately forced to purchase in bulk from Sam's Club, take off the forsaken plastic wrap [ struggling to open it ] sometimes these things can be the devil to open [ pats pockets ] especially when all the knives in the studio were sold to Ed's Pawn Shop earlier in the day… [ to Annie ] Do you have your keys on you? Mine are backstage. Annie Stratham: I think so… yeah [ pulls out keys and slices plastic wrap off pie crust ] Andy Stratham: [ with a bowl ] Great. Now we're going to start mixing together our first layer. [ holds up each ingredient and mixes it in when announced ] Into the mixing bowl add 8 ounces of soft cream cheese .. a 14 ounce can of condensed milk .. and finally slowly add in sixteen ounces of cool whip… [ places bowl in mixer ] [ as Andy continues to talk and mix, the painted scenery, viewed through the kitchen window, raises up a few inches and starts sliding by the window. A stage hand is seen passing the window carrying the piece of the set, and generic studio space is now visibile through the window ] Andy Stratham: Now the trick here is to mix it initially at a slower speed, and delicately speed it up until we have a thick, gooey mix to pour into our pie crust. The cream cheese can have a tendency to lump, and sometimes we need to get right in there with a wooden spoon and mush apart the larger clumps. See that, Annie? Annie Stratham: Yeah, I must say that looks delicious. I mean, I would eat this, for dessert. Andy Stratham: [ pulling bowl off ] So now we're going to pour this in to be the first layer of our pie… [ glances and notices the set visible through window ] Where did my meadows go? Annie Stratham: I'm not quite sure what you mean… [ a stage hand is seen through the window, grabs the sill, and then the entire back wall, complete with upper cabinets, is lifted and begins moving off set, leaving sink, lower cabinets, oven and refrigerator. Stage manager, wearing headset, enters ] Andy Stratham: [ weak fury ] Hey! What in Pete's name is going on here? Stage Manager: Hi, how you doing? Sorry, to bother you, but are you going to use the oven the rest of the show? Andy Stratham: No- Stage Manager: Great. [ to off-stage ] Green light on the oven! [ to Andy ] How bout the sink or the refrigerator? [ stage hands enter set and begin dismantling and removing oven ] Andy Stratham: Only the fridge- Stage Manager: [ to off-stage ] We got an anchor on the fridge, the sink is a go! Andy Stratham: [ to off-stage ] Terry, what's going on? What are they doing with my oven? Terrence Majors: [ shot of Terry ] Sorry, I couldn't book the studio for as long as usual; we just don't have the money. A game show called "Phobia Phactory" gets the space in fourteen minutes. You're going to have to hurry up. Andy Stratham: [ cut to Andy ] These moose-clowns are carting off my set! [ sink and lower cabinets are carried off ] Isn't there anything you can do? Terrence Majors: [ cut to Terry ] Nope. My hands are tied. [ makes a face and lifts hands showing Chinese fingercuffs ] Just keep going, Andy. Stage Manager: [ cut to set ] We're not going to do anything that will ruin your show, you still have your fridge. Just pretend we aren't even here [ pats Andy and Annie on the back and leaves set ] [ stage hands begin carrying pieces of the "Phobia Phactory" set onto the stage, including several podiums and a large, obnixous sign with the show's name written on it ] Annie Stratham: [ to Andy ] Let's just get this over with. [ to camera ] Now as Andy pours that into the pie crust, I'm going to get our next layer ready. [ Andy pours mixture into pie crust ] We're going to use a twelve ounce can of- [ interrupted by loud, ringing sound ] [ louder ] A twelve ounce can of- [ interrupted again ] [ screaming ] A twelve ounce can of caramel topping! Stage Manager: [ enters ] Sorry, about that, just checking the buzzers. Say, did you guys put the Tabasco sauce in yet? Andy Stratham: [ puzzled ] Uhh.. no Stage Manager: [ looks over ingredients ] Hmmph. I'll get it for you, be right back [ exits ] [ Annie grabs pie crust and begins pouring in the caramel topping ] Andy Stratham: [ to off-stage ] Terry, why in the seven suns would we need Tabasco sauce? Terrence Majors: [ off-stage ] It was part of our deal with "Phobia Phactory" Andy Stratham: [ to off-stage ] Mmmm. Care to tell me about this deal? I mean, this is my mother-kissing show. Terrence Majors: [ off-stage ] To get more studio time, we're letting "Phobia Phactory" use the pie as a prop. It needs to have Tabasco in it, otherwise it would just be an ordinary pie. Andy Stratham: This is absolutely ridiculous. I'm just going to finish this off and get out of here, I can't believe this. [ holding up bowl ] Into the next layer goes a quarter cup of butter .. 7 ounces of coconut .. and a half cup of pecans. [ "Phobia Phactory" set continues to be assembled in the background, Andy mixes ingredients, Stage Manager enters and places large bottle of Tabasco on counter, and exits ] Andy Stratham: Now that this is nice and mixed, all we have to do is pour it onto our other layers, cover with plastic wrap and foil, and freeze it for four to six hours. [ Stage Manager enters, leading cow on rope ] Stage Manager: Hey, sorry to bother you, but Jessie here [ slaps the cow ] is needed for the first round, and someone's gotta watch her while we're still building the set. [ hands rope to a bewildered Annie ] [ to off-set ] Can we get that scorpion tank in here please? [ starts to exit, notices Tabasco is still untouched, pours the whole thing into the pie crust, and then exits ] Andy Stratham: I just can't deal with this anymore! Terry, we need to do some talking, you and I. [ storms off set] Annie Stratham: [ realizing she is left alone to finish the show ] Umm, well, let's just pour in this top layer [ fumbles to pour coconut/pecan mix into pie while still holding onto the cow's rope. Cow nuzzles various items on the counter ] And then cover the pie with plastic wrap, and then foil [ does so ] and place it in our freezer [ immediately as she lifts the wrapped pie from the counter, stagehands start carting the counter away, she fumbles to get it in the freezer, still holding the cow ] So that's, umm, the show. Uhhh, remember to leave the pie in there at least four hours. [ "Phobia Phactory" theme song starts playing in the background. Annie screams the rest, to be heard over the music ] Tune in to Dessert Oasis again next week, when we'll be making Golden Pineapple Spice Cake. [ fade to black ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
