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Johann.....Will Forte Madison.....Amy Poehler Jarvis.....Dean Edwards Roger.....Keanu Reeves Man Playing Viola.....Darrell Hammond Virginator 5000.....Chris Parnell [Scene: Begin with EXT. shot of 'Guido's Discount Groceria'. Cut to INT. shot of store near a couple of checkouts. Madison is a cashier with Johann as the bag boy. Madison is just finishing ringing through a customer who then thanks them and leaves.] Madison: Oh look at that...the UPC code fell off his ice cream container. (to Johann) It's a sign. Johann: What do you mean, Madison? Madison: Well, Mr. Sarducci had to leave for the day so he asked me to close up...and the UPC code gave me an idea. I think it's a time that we joined the Million Dollar Tab club. Johann: What? What's the million dollar tab club? Madison: Well, I put this here. (places UPC label on her chest.) Then you ring up a tab. [Madison looks around to make sure nobody is looking then takes out a pair of small ruby colored glasses and puts them on. She bends over the counter UPC reader and begins to move back and forth. A beep sound is made every time she moves back and forth. Johann looks stunned.] Johann: I...I'll be right back. [Camera follows Johann as he walks over to fellow bag boy Jarvis.] Johann: Oh man, Jarvis you gotta help me. Jarvis: What's up man. You look spooked. The rats aren't back are they? Johann: No no. Have you heard of this 'Million Dollar Tab' club? Jarvis: Oh yeah, it's the supermarket version of the Mile High Club...only more exclusive. It's up there with Astronaught nookie. Why do you ask? Johann: (distraught) Oh geez...Madison has offered me a rite of passage into the club. Jarvis: Oh damn, you're a lucky man. Johann: No, no I'm not you don't understand. Jarvis: What is it. Johann: It's a long story but I may as well tell you. You see back when I was young I was an altar boy. The priest at the time was Father Neuman and me and 6 of the other boys developed a tight relationship with him. Jarvis: Wait a minute...I don't think I want to hear this. Johann: No no, just listen. Anyways, Father Neuman wins the lottery right? Like 150 million. In order to encourage the seven of us to live chaste and proper lives, Father Neuman offered a million dollars to the last one who remained a virgin. Jarvis: How could he keep track? Johann: (opening his zipper. Madison walks by on the way to the washroom) With this! Jarvis:(staring at Johann's crotch) What is that? Madison: Damn Jarvis, you need to rent a video or something. [Johann pulls his zipper up. Madison winks and leaves.] Jarvis: What was that? Johann: It's called the Virginator 5000. Father Neuman had them commissioned from the Vatican Science Facility. Basically, the Virginator 5000 monitors crotch activity. If crotch activity reaches a certain level it sends a signal to switchboard in Father Neuman's office which causes a light near your name to go out. The last person with a light on...wins the million. Jarvis: So...you're still in the running. Johann: Oh hell yeah. It's just me and one other guy. (counting on fingers) Jason's light went out after he accidentally watched Madonna's 'Open your Heart' video. Wade's light went out during a qualifying run in the two man luge competition. Bumpy track. Jimmy had the unfortunate luck to land a job as Demi Moore's pool boy. And Michael felt that having a wife and family was worth more than the million. What a jackass that guy. (lowering his head) Then there was David. Poor guy. Jarvis: What happened to him? Johann: Well, he thought he'd move to New Zealand and live out in the country alone and look after sheep. Jarvis: (wincing) Oh geez. Johann: Sheep are oddly erotic. He should have gone with emus. I mean, even if you wanted to I don't think... Jarvis: Wait...you're 27...you mean to tell me you've never....Does that thing let you at least... Johann: No I'm afraid not. Indeed, I'm so pure I make Britney Spears look like a whore. Jarvis: Damn, no wonder you're so high strung. Johann: (sticking his index fingers an inch from Jarvis's face) I AM NOT HIGH STRUNG OKAY! Jarvis: Alright man, alright. But why are you telling me this. What am I supposed to do. Johann: Cause you gotta take my place...put the moves on her. C'mon. I'll cut you in for 10% if I go the distance. Jarvis: No way dude. I have a girlfriend. Forget the Virginator 5000, she'll install the Detesticulator 5000 on my ass if she finds out. Get away from me. [Enter Madison] Madison: (patting Johann on his butt) Time to get back to work baby. [Johann runs off screen. Madison pantomimes 'What is that?' and points at Jarvis's crotch. Madison laughs and Jarvis looks mad and pouts. Cut to camera shot of Madison and Johann at their till.] Johann: Hey...Madison...uhh I meant to tell you before. I'm gay. In fact me and Jarvis... [Johann does suggestive arm thrusts and nods. Madison walks over to Johann and gets really close to him.] Madison: Funny...you don't feel gay. Johann: (gulp) Uhh...uhhh... [Madison steps back and walks to the till. She turns around to reveal that she has 3 UPC labels on her back. She leans back on the UPC scanner and begins moving back and forth. The till begins beeping like crazy.] Virginator 5000: DANGER DANGER! Madison: (standing up) What was that? Johann: Oh...heh nothing. I have to go...to the dairy section...(to self) and sit on the ice cream. [Johann exits. Small pause.] Johann: (offscreen) Eureka! [exit Johann. Cut to EXT. shot of 'Guido's Discount Groceria'. Super 40 minutes later. Cut back to shot of Johann and Roger standing together.] Johann: Oh man, Roger I'm so happy you could come. I totally forgot about my dentist appointment and (grabbing jaw) my bicuspids are killing me. Roger: Hey no problem man. I used to bag groceries over on 57th street so I can totally cover for you. Johann: A man could not ask for a better friend. It's over there...Till 8. The ladies name is Madison...if she asks about me, just tell her I'll be back in an hour. Roger: Hey, no problemo dude. [Roger leaves scene. Johann looks back at Roger and Madison, his butt has a big ice cream stain on it. Johann is rubbing his hands together. Jarvis enters scene.] Jarvis: What's going on? Johann: Ha ha, that is Roger...the man whose virginity stands between me and a cool million. He's covering for me you see while I'm at a dentist's appointment. An appointment from which I shan't return. Therefore, he will be forced to 'close up' with Madison at which point she will initiate him into the Million Dollar Loser Club! Jarvis: That's diabolical man! There's no guarantee she's gonna go for him. Johann: Please, if she'll go for me she'll go for anyone. Besides, I'm not taking any chances. [Johann looks over to his side.] Johann: (clapping hands together above his head) VIOLA! [Cut to scene shot of Madison and Roger working as Man Playing Viola enters and begins playing the viola. Cut back to Johann who is smiling. Ext. shot of 'Guido's Discount Groceria'. Super: 'The Next Morning'. Cut to Int. of store. Enter Johann.] Johann: I can't believe Father Neuman is out of town this week. Oh well, I can wait a week to collect but oh please tell me there was debauchery. [Johann looks around for a sign that his plan has worked. He spots a coat on the floor.] Johann: The coat of the once pristine Roger. [Johann looks at the wastebasket near the till. He reaches into it and starts to pull out a fantastically long piece of paper.] Johann: YES! YES, YES YES YES YES YES YES OHHHHHHHHHHH YES! [Johann is freakin' out.] Virginator 5000: Danger, Danger, Danger. Johann: Okay calm down. Wait, each time a light goes out on the switchboard the time is logged. I'm free. YES YES YES YES OH YES!!! Virginator 5000: Danger, Danger, Danger. Johann: (notices magazine) Well hello Summer TV Preview! [Johann exits with magazine. Enter Roger. He looks around and then finally sees his coat. He picks it up.] Virginator 5000: (offscreen) Danger...danger...Unit Breached. [Roger doesn't hear the Virginator 5000 but notices the long bill lying on the ground and looks at it. Enter Johann singing.] Johann: (looking happy and singing Beatles tune) 'When I was a robber...in Boston place...'. (noticing Roger) Oh hey...so you've return to the scene of the crime. Roger: What are you talking about? I came to get my coat. Johann: (putting his arm around Roger) Dude. I know alright. [Johann walks over to table UPC reader and leans over it and begins moving back and forth.] Roger's Virginator 5000: Danger, danger, danger. [Roger turns away from Johann.] Johann: Wait a second...how come your Virginator is still active? Roger: Well, because I'm still a virgin dude. Johann: But...but the bill...you and Madison... (thrusting the long string of register paper in Roger's face) the million dollar tab????? Roger: I have no idea what you're talking about. I finished my shift and left. An hour he says...thanks for stiffing me. Johann: While I was stiffing you, you were supposed to be stiffing...I don't understand. What the hell happened then!!!!!!!!! (A look of fear comes over Johann. He looks at magazine and then grabs his crotch with both his hands and falls to his knees in front of Roger) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Roger's Virginator 5000: Danger, Danger, Danger... [Cut to shot of Madison in bed.] Madison: (claps her hands above her) VIOLA! [Man Playing Viola enters from bathroom wearing a robe and playing 'Iron Man' on the Viola.] [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
