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.....Lorne Michaels .....Tina Fey .....Keanu Reeves .....Jim Downey .....Robert Smigel [Cold opening begins with Lorne Michaels and Tina Fey sitting at a table that has a phone and a folder on top of it.] Lorne: So Tina...how was your vacation? Did you get to see the Caymans? Tina Fey: No Lorne...I was too busy wondering why the hell you agreed to air new summer episodes penned by amateurs at a damn fan website! Lorne: Well...see we aired some bad shows this last season, and NBC thinks there’s no way in hell anyone would want to watch the reruns during the summer... Tina Fey: (interrupting) So what? It’s not the writers’ fault! Lorne: Uh...I’m not saying it’s the writers’ fault. The reason I asked the website to write the new shows is because it’s not in you guys’ contracts to work during the summer. You know, you’re kinda like school teachers... Tina Fey: Yeah...and we get paid like school teachers too! Lorne: Oh, you think that’s bad? Wait ‘till you hear this...we’re not paying those idiots at SNY anything! (begins laughing) They’re doing it for free! (laughs more) Tina Fey: God, you’re really sick Lorne... Lorne: (stops laughing immediately) Fair enough. Anyway, Keanu Reeves is going to be the first summer host, and he should be here any minute... Tina Fey: Yeah...if he can find the studio... Lorne: Listen, Mr. Reeves is a smart, well-spoken man in real life, so don’t treat him as if all he says is "woah" and "dude" when he gets here, ok? Tina Fey: Hey, don’t start ordering me around! I’m not even supposed to be here right now! By the way...why the hell am I here? Where are the guys at SNY? Shouldn’t they be the ones planning the new show? Lorne: Well, actually they’ve already written the show (holds up the folder)...I just need you, Downey, and Smigel to look over it. Tina Fey: How did you get them to be a part of this? Lorne: I promised them the same thing I’m gonna promise you... Tina Fey: What’s that? Lorne: A recurring sketch...and uh...one host choice for next season. Tina Fey: You mean...you’ll finally air my lesbian tattoo parlor sketches? Lorne: (painfully) Yes... Tina Fey: And Melissa Ethridge can host the season-opener? Lorne: (even more painfully) Yes... Tina Fey: Yay!!! (a beat as she cheers and raises her arms in glee) Lorne: Good. (reaches over and pushes a button on the phone) Uh Janet...go ahead and tell Jim and Rob to come on in. [In a few seconds, Jim Downey, Robert Smigel, and Keanu Reeves enter the room.] Lorne: Oh hey Jim, Rob...I didn’t know Keanu was with you... Jim: Well...he wasn’t with us, really... Robert: Yeah, we kinda found him wandering around in the hall, so we brought him here. Keanu: (speaking in an overemphasized, surfer dude accent) Hey guys...this building is big... Lorne: (going along with him) I know, I know...some of us still get lost in it, don’t we guys... [Everyone placates Reeves with semi-sarcastic "oh yeah’s"] Lorne: Anyway, we were just looking at the sketches for this week’s show and wanted to get some input from you before we gave the cast and yourself the go-ahead to start memorizing lines... Keanu: Woah dude...you mean I gotta remember stuff? I thought you guys had cue cards... Lorne: Well Keanu...we do, but we still like for the host and cast to try their best and veer away from staring at them when they’re on-stage...the cards are more like a safety net than a crutch... Keanu: I had crutches once...it was after I broke my leg playing quarterback for Ohio State...(makes a motion like he’s throwing a pass) I was an All-American my senior year... Tina Fey: That’s funny...I heard you dropped out of high school and didn’t even go to college... Robert: Yeah...I think that was just in a couple of your movies... Keanu: Uh...so? Did you know my name means "cool breeze over the mountains" in Hawaiian? Hawaii dude...(makes a hand motion like a wave and appears as if he is looking off into a sunset) [A beat as everyone is stunned.] Lorne: (breaking the silence) Anyway, why don’t you guys all sit down so we can begin. (Downey, Smigel, and Reeves take a seat) Tina...what’s the cold opening look like? Tina Fey: (flips open the folder) Ok...it’s titled "Bush Gets out of the Matrix" and it appears to be some sort of a movie parody-slash-political spoof... Lorne: Downey why don’t you look over that...(pulls out the sketch and passes it to Downey) Jim: Alright... Lorne: How about the monologue? Tina Fey: Well...it seems like they got Keanu doing a question-and-answer thing with the audience... Robert: Boring! Lorne: No no Robert...we need to stay safe with these summer episodes. I think a question-and-answer monologue will be familiar enough with the TV audience to make them forget that a bunch of amateurs are writing the shows... Keanu: Woah dude...I gotta answer questions? What if I get one wrong? Tina Fey: Well, they won’t really have "right" or "wrong" answers Keanu...I’ll give you an example... (reading from the paper) they have an audience member asking you if you’ve had any luck contacting Alex Winter after he fell off the face of the earth... Keanu: Uh...who’s that? Tina Fey: He’s the guy who starred in the Bill and Ted movies with you...you know, "Bill S. Preston Esquire"? Keanu: Oh...right...uh...will Dogstar get to be the musical guest? Tina Fey: What? Keanu: Will my rad-ass band Dogstar get to play any tunes on your show? Lorne: Oh...uh...sure they will Keanu...maybe... Keanu: Good...’cause I’m ready to thrash! (leans back in his chair and plays air guitar, but like in the Bill and Ted movies, a real guitar lick sounds as he does it) Jim: (looking around) Where the hell did that come from? Lorne: Never mind. Tina...what’s after the monologue? Tina Fey: Well, it’s a commercial about some fitness group that has ex-cons chasing people to make them exercise...it appears to be the second in a series or something, but it sucks... Robert: That’s fine, we’ll just rerun Count Chocula Silver instead. Lorne: Good idea Rob. Tina, go ahead and get to the sketches... Tina Fey: Alright...next is a parody of that movie "Dude, Where’s My Car?" Lorne: Oh really? Is it any good? Tina Fey: (reading down the page) Yeah...actually it is. They do a great job with you, Keanu... Keanu: Whoa dude...I wasn’t in that movie! Tina Fey: Sure you were...didn’t you play that dumbass kid alongside the Stiffler guy? Keanu: No...that wasn’t me bro... Tina Fey: I’m not your "bro" Keanu...I’m a woman... Keanu: Oh...sorry dude... Tina Fey: I’m not a "dude" either! My name’s Tina Fey, alright! Keanu: What should I call you then? [A beat as Fey stands halfway with an angry look on her face.] Lorne: Tina...just let it go (she resumes her seat). So guys, are we gonna keep the "Dude, Where’s My Car" sketch or not? Jim: I don’t care...no one remembers that film well enough to know who was in it anyway. Keanu: Woah dude! Don’t talk about my movie like that! Robert: So...now you were in "Dude, Where’s My Car?"... Keanu: I don’t know...uh...my mind is blown. Lorne: (searching for words after Keanu’s remark) Well...uh... Keanu: (suddenly) Remembering is difficult for me... Tina Fey: Good for you Keanu...let’s just keep it...agreed? Lorne, Jim & Robert: (simultaneously) Agreed. Keanu: I win! Robert: You win what? Keanu: Uh...I win the sketch! Tina Fey: Win the sketch? What the hell... Lorne: (interrupting) Just forget it. Uh...go ahead and skip to the update... Tina Fey: Let’s see...(flips a couple of pages and then begins reading down the page) oh no...oh no...oh hell no! This all sucks carcass! I’ll write the update for free before I let this go to air! Lorne: Alright Tina...we’ll call in Jimmy and have him help with that... Tina Fey: Wait! That’s part of the deal! If I’m working during the summer...then no Jimmy, ok! Jim: Hey, I like Jimmy... Robert: I love Jimmy... Keanu: Jimmy’s like a breath of fresh air through my sea-blown hair... Robert: Huh? Keanu: Woah dude...it rhymes! Tina Fey: Shut up Keanu! Listen, I’ll do update with him, but I’m not writing with him, ok! Are we clear on that? Lorne: Fine...whatever...what’s next? Tina Fey: Well...here’s another "Dude, Where’s My Car?" movie parody... Lorne: Is it funny? Tina Fey: (reading the page quickly) Yep. I gotta admit, they do know how to write for Keanu in these... Keanu: Uh...am I smart in it? Tina Fey: (sarcastically) Well...uh...no Keanu...I think they feel that there is more comedic value in depicting you as dumb... Keanu: (interrupting) Oh good...I don’t know how to play "smart"... Tina Fey: Oh...well then we’re set, if it’s ok to do two "Dude, Where’s My Car" parodies in the same show... Lorne: Again, let’s just stay safe with these episodes...if everyone really likes the first one, then they’ll welcome this one, right? I mean, we did all recurring sketches for Aykroyd, so it’s not like originality has been our strong suit this year, huh guys? Huh? [Although Michaels is expecting a response, everyone remains silent.] Lorne: Anyway...how’s the last half look? Tina Fey: Well...(reads and flips pages quickly) looks like another Matrix parody...and yet another "Dude, Where’s My Car" parody...and here’s a parody of "That 70's Show" and a parody of "Punk’d"... Robert: I guess you’re in those shows too Keanu... Keanu: Uh...yeah...I was... Tina Fey: (sarcastically) Oh yeah...you made just a breathtaking transition from the big screen to television, didn’t ya? Keanu: Woah dude...too many questions, too little Ginko! (stands up and grabs his hair) Stop making me think! (he begins wandering aimlessly around the room) [Everyone is again stunned into speechlessness.] Lorne: (breaking the silence) It’s alright Keanu...(whispers to Downey) Jim, could you please write some new ones...we can’t have everyone thinking that we think he’s Ashton Kutcher... Jim: Dammit Lorne...this is supposed to be my downtime! Lorne: Please do it Jim...maybe you could just kinda re-work them a little... Jim: No, what you want is for me to write whole new sketches... Lorne: No, that’s not it...exactly... Jim: Well fine...whatever...just as long as Michael Dukakis gets to host the season-opener... Tina Fey: Wait a minute! You promised me that Melissa Ethridge would host the opener! Robert: (chiming in) Melissa Ethridge? Lorne, you can’t seriously let her host the show! Tina Fey: Oh...you got a problem with it Smigel, huh? Robert: Oh no...it’s just that no one’s gonna watch ‘cause she sucks!!! Tina Fey: (stands up) Oh that’s it cartoon boy! You’re about to get a big piece of me! Robert: (stands with Fey) Bring it butch! Keanu: (moving quickly to step in between them) Woah brothers and sisters...peace dudes...let’s be calm like the ocean...(begins to put his hands together and then stretches his arms out and holds his leg up like he’s the karate kid) Lorne: Please...everyone just sit down...(a beat as Fey and Smigel sit down, although Reeves remains standing in his pose with his eyes closed) Keanu...please take a seat... Keanu: Dude...I’m doing kata (puts his leg down and pushes his arms out slowly) woah, Mr. Miyagi? Tina Fey: (shouting) Keanu! Sit down now! Keanu: Uh...yes ma’am...dude...(a beat as he breaks from his pose and sits back down) Lorne: Alright guys, it looks like we may have our work cut out for us...but we’ll get through this somehow or another...by the way Jim, who do they have saying, "live from New York, it’s Saturday Night"? Jim: (looks down at the cold opening) That’s actually an interesting question... Lorne: Why’s that? Jim: Well, whoever the writer is has all of us saying it? Lorne: You mean like this... Everyone: (simultaneously) Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
