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Boyfriend (Mark).....Seth Green Girlfriend (Emily, waxer).....Amy Phoeler Receptionist (Kimi).....Maya Rudolph [Kimi is sitting at the receptionist desk on the phone with long fake nails, a large, loosely curled platinum blonde wig, she speaks in a nasally tone with each underlined words over pronounced. She's dressed a little slutty] Kimi: Thank you for calling Helen's Center of Beauty and Relaxation how may I help you today? (Customer on phone says something) I am sorry but our aromatherapy relaxation creams will not relax a rash in that area, in fact we do not, under most circumstances, touch appendages within that general vicinity. I recommend you call a doctor. Also I'm not going to be able to attend dinner with you this Saturday, don't call. Goodbye sir. (Starts filing her nails) [Mark enters and walks up to the counter] Mark: Hi. I'm here to see Emily. Kimi: (sets her nail file down, and stares at him) Mark: Excuse me? Kimi: (starts chewing gum loudly) do you have an appointment? Mark: No, I'm her boyfriend I just came to see her Kimi: I see, you're going to have to wait until the other customers with appointments have been helped. Please take a seat. (Motions to the lobby, there is no one else there) Mark: Um, ok. Emily: (enters, walks up to receptionist) When's my next appointment? Kimi: You don't have one. Emily: Okay (starts to leave) Mark: Emily! Emily: Mark, hey baby, I'm so glad to see you. Come on back. (They go into a private room) I love when you come visit me at work. (Giving him a hug) Mark: Well, I like seeing you. Emily: Honey, do you trust me. Mark: Of course I do, I love you. Emily: Let me wax your eyebrows. Your unibrow is driving me crazy, I promise just your eyebrows, and you won't feel a thing. Mark: No, absolutely not. Emily: (pouts) Please? Mark: Baby, no, my eyebrows are fine. I like them just the way they are. Emily: Oh come, stop being such a whiner! Mark: Okay fine, just the unibrow (Emily sits him down in a chair and locks his feet and hands into place and puts his head in a brace) Hey, what are these for? (Moving hands and feet but can't) Emily: Well, some people have a tendency to touch the skin after it's been waxed and when the oils from you hands mix with the sensitive skin you can get ingrown hairs and acne and so we just tie you down to make sure you don't do something you'll regret. Mark: Okay Emily: (heating up the wax) so how was your weekend at the lake? Mark: It was good; we didn't do much, hung out. Emily: Meet anyone interesting while you were there? Mark: Not really, just the family next to us. Emily: What were they like? Mark: Just an older couple with their daughter. Emily: I see, okay, this might feel a little warm (puts wax on eyebrows) Mark: Ow! That's hot. Emily: Oh is it? Mark: You're putting a lot on Emily: (laughing very sweet and smiling) you're very hairy. So tell me about this daughter? Mark: I don't know, Emily: You don't know? (Demeanor changes, looks pissed) (Placing strip on forehead) Let me refresh your memory (rips off strip) Mark: (SCREAMS) Holy Crap! That's enough; I'm getting out of here (trying to break out of chair) Emily: You're staying right there until I get some answers. You think you can run away for a weekend with some old couple's daughter and get away with it? Mark: Emily, nothing happened, she was like sixteen. Emily: Sixteen's legal (turning up the heat on the wax) Mark: What are you doing? Emily: Turning up the heat, what you can't handle when things get hot? How did you manage a young girl then, huh? Oh wait, you handled them just like any pervert: with no self-control. You make me sick. (Starts putting wax on his cheeks) Mark: What are you doing? Emily: I'm waxing your entire face Mark: Why Emily: Because it'll hurt like a mother and make you cry like a baby Mark: Don't, please don't, I'll tell you anything Emily: What was her name and how many times? Mark: Emily, what difference does it make? Emily: oh, I don't know, (puts a strip on, and rips it off his face) Mark: (screams) Emily Emily: Oh, I don't think that was her name. Uh uh, Mark: You're crazy Emily: (smearing wax all over his face) I was crazy in love and you trampled on my heart, (demonic sounding) and now you're going to regret it. (Walking over with waxing strip) Mark: She didn't mean anything to me, I love you Emily: (sweetly) really? Mark: Yes Emily: You lying sack of (puts strip on and rips it off) Mark: SHIT! Oh God Emily: (makes a buzzer noise) That's not the answer we're looking for Mark: Kimi! It was Kimi! Emily: The receptionist? Mark: Yes! Can I go now? Emily: Don't worry, we're almost done. Just one last piece and it's a big one, so I'm warning you. (Places last piece on face) What's she got that I don't? Mark: Nothing, you got it all, she was just a temporary fix because I missed you. I just used her. Emily: (starting to tug a little, nice and slowly at the strip) Oh, somebody's lying. Liar liar pants on fire,… What'd you use her for? Mark: (trembling, and crying) because I missed you? Emily: Still lying, Mark she can't even give a manicure Mark: I know Emily: WHAT DID YOU USE HER FOR Mark: I'm not telling Emily: Marcus Harold Newman I swear to God!!! (Pulling it the strip only half off) Mark: PEDICURES! Emily: Oh, I see how it is. You date me because I'm quality and you mess around with her because all you really want is someone to play with your diddlies!!! Well that is enough! (As she rips off the last strip.) I think we should see other people!!! (Rips off the head brace and wrist and ankle clamps he jumps up and she slaps him) Get out, you make me sick. Mark: (runs out) you crazy bitch. Kimi: (enters) what was all that screaming about? Emily: Some men are such babies. Kimi: Tell me about it. Emily: Getting him to cooperate was like pulling teeth, or like ripping hair out or something. Kimi and Emily: (laugh) Emily: Anyway, since I don't have an appointment you want me to wax your legs for free? Kimi: That would be great, and could you do a bikini also? Emily: (diabolically) I was thinking the exact same thing. end Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
