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Chris Matthews.....Darrell Hammond Tom Ridge.....Chris Parnell Sen. John Edwards.....Will Forte [We open with the Hardball intro and music, and cut from that to a view of Matthews sitting, as usual, at his desk, practically leaning into the camera. As always, he's shouting.] Chris Matthews: Welcome to Hardball, I'm Chris Matthews! This week the U.N. is urging Iran to comply with (in a Stephen Hawking voice a la "Anti-Nucular TiVo") nuclear (back to Matthews' normal voice) inspections while President Bush is suspicious of them having a program to develop weapons of mass destruction. Guys, why bother? They're next on the list! Just let us take care of 'em! Problem solved! Next topic, a rocket propelled grenade killed one U.S. soldier and wounded at least two others earlier this week in Baghdad; just the latest in a growing number of attacks made by civilians on U.S. troops. Are we losing our grip of death -er, peace, or did we not have it in the first place? Joining us now, secretary of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge. Tom Ridge: Good to be here Chris. Chris Matthews: One sentence and I already don't believe you. Also tonight, bringing us the counterpoint, democratic presidential hopeful and North Carolina's resident idiot, Senator John Edwards! Sen. John Edwards: Well, I'd just like to say- Chris Matthews: (interrupting Edwards) NOTHING! You'd like to say NOTHING! Shut it! Secretary Ridge, let's start with you. How long can our Vulcan nerve pinch on Baghdad last? Tom Ridge: Well, Chris, it all depends. Although our forces still remain strong and confident, President Bush has been looking at other options. I know this may sound far-fetched, but given how most Americans are lazy, easily persuaded, and enamored with the media, we're currently looking into giving the Iraqis free digital cable and TiVo. Chris Matthews: Ha! I love it! Power through lethargy! Gotta hand it to ya, Ridge, you're keepin' up the high pace of low standards! Senator Edwards, do you think this plan is so crazy that it just might work? Sen. John Edwards: Chris, the average American is going to take offense at this. We're not all lazy and media-crazed, just most of us. Secondly, the Iraqi's aren't going to care about cable and TiVo, they're more concerned with getting the power they want and deserve, since it's their land. In fact, if the cable and TiVo decision does go through, the Democrats will do everything in their power to investigate it and call the president out. Chris Matthews: Uh-huh. And do you plan on doing that every time you want to look like whiney losers, or just now? Sen. John Edwards: Chris, we don't want to make ourselves look like whiney losers, we just feel that's what's necessary at this point because we know that, otherwise, (laughing nervously) we don't have a snowball's chance in Hell of winning in 2004! Chris Matthews: Ha! I knew it! Hurl some more this way! Sen. John Edwards: I doubt we'd be able to win the presidency even if Bush himself switched parties. Chris Matthews: Don't stop, man, keep it comin'! Sen. John Edwards: I believe Bob Dole once mentioned running SpongeBob Squarepants, and I think we might just look into that. Chris Matthews: Good Lord! Got any comments on that one, Secretary? Tom Ridge: Chris, I'd just like to say that I fully agree with Senator Edwards on this. They have more of a chance defending Martha Stewart's case then winning this one. Sen. John Edwards: Agreed. Chris Matthews: Wow! Wowie-wow-wow-WOW! Man, I don't think I've seen anything this good since Politically Incorrect was canceled! We'll take a quick break. When we come back, New York was just named one of the least friendly cities in the world… so how is that different from any other period in history? Plus, you'll get to hear more insanity from John Edwards, and Tom Ridge will proudly announce to the world: Tom Ridge: Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!!! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
