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Mike.....Seth Green Marsha.....Rachel Dratch Announcer.....Chris Parnell Osama bin Laden.....Jimmy Fallon Mouamar Ghadafi.....Fred Armisen Saddam Hussein.....Horatio Sanz Yassir Arafat.....Maya Rudolph [Scene: Begin with dramatic graphic which reads 'Alternate Future Theatre Presents'. Words fade out. Fade in words 'Episode 619'. Words fade out. Fade in words 'Episode 619'.] Graphics Guy: (offscreen) Oops. [Words fade out. Fade in words 'What if the Sandwich had never been invented?'. Fade to a park like scene. Mike and Marsha enter carrying a picnic basket. They set out a picnic blanket and sit down. Marsha is wearing shorts and a t-shirt while Mike is wearing jeans and a black t-shirt which reads, in white letters, 'I don't have OCD, I have a PHD in Chaos Theory!'] Mike: So Marsha...what's for lunch? Marsha: (digging into picnic basket) Well we have ham balls and cheese balls... Mike: (accepting a ham ball from Marsha. The ham ball is one whole piece of ham sculpted into a ball, as opposed to whatever else a real ham ball might be.) Mmm, nothing says a picnic like ham balls. Marsha: I think I'll have a cheese ball. (biting into cheese ball) Mmm that's good cheese ball. Mike: Hey, do we have any peanut butter and jam? Marsha: Oh silly me. I forgot to take out the dipping sauce! [Marsha takes out a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jam and opens them. Mike dips his ham ball into each jar and Marsha does the same with her cheese ball.] Mike: So good. (licks his fingers) Delicious. Marsha: (looking at blanket) Did you see that? Mike: What? Marsha: I thought I saw an ant! Mike: An ant at a picnic? Ha ha ha. You've lost it girl. I think you've been studying too hard. How are things going at cooking school, anyways? Marsha: Well, lately we've been doing a lot of theory. It's quite fascinating actually. Right now we're studying this book. (taking book out of picnic basket) It's a book by the Fourth Earl of Sandwich called 'I'm so sick of ham balls: A treatise on quasi 2-dimensional foodstuffs.' Mike: Wait a minute. Didn't the Fourth Earl of Sandwich invent ham balls? Marsha: Yes he did...but according to this book he felt that the ham ball was an incomplete food. He regarded the ham ball as a step towards a more perfect food. In the book he talks about eating slices of ham balls along with slices of cheese balls, and so on. Mike: WHAT? That's insane. Who'd want to eat a floppy piece of ham or a floppy piece of cheese? I mean, I can understand eating half a ham ball or perhaps a quarter of a ham ball or even a sextet or an octet...but a slice of ham ball? That doesn't sound appetizing to me. Marsha: Exactly. Poor Fourth Earl of Sandwich, somehow he just couldn't quite find the missing piece needed to complete his theory. In fact, after writing the book he went completley mad. I believe he moved to Austrailia. Can you imagine! Mike: Yeah, well you'd have to be crazy to hate ham balls. (admiring his ham ball) I don't think I'll ever tire of them. Just like I don't think I'll ever tire of you. I'm gonna miss you while you're away on holidays. [Mike and Marsha embrace. Marsha cuddles up to Mike.] Marsha: Awww, I'll only be gone a couple of weeks. I can't believe in only 5 more days I'll be on my way to Israestine (pronounced Iz-rye-estein) though. It's so exciting! Mike: I'm sure you'll have a blast. What a beautiful, beautiful country. I don't know who's friendlier the Jewish people or the Palestinians. Marsha: It's like they try and out do each other in the 'nice' department. I remember the last time I was there a Rabbi went to open the door for me at the same time as a Muslim cleric tried to open the door for me. And I swear the two nearly got into an argument over who was going to open the door! Mike: What? An argument between a Jew and a Palestinian? That's unheard of. Marsha: Heh, well of course it didn't come to that. There were two doors so each held one opened and I walked through the middle. Mike: (nodding) Ah! The key to their relationship is their ability to comprimise. Speaking of the Middle East, have you seen the new Osama Bin Laden tape? Marsha: (sitting up straight) Yeah who hasn't! It's everywhere! Mike: Isn't it great! Marsha: Oh yeah it kicks butt! Mike: That Osama is sooo talented. Even as a solo artist he's still got a lot to say. [Enter Osama Bin Laden] Osama Bin Laden: Oh oh, my ears are burning! Marsha: OMIGOSH! It's...it's...OSAMA! I can't believe it! What are you doing here? Osama Bin Laden: What do you think, I spend my days hiding in a cave? Ha ha. I get no bigger thrill than walking amongst my wonderful American friends. Besides that, I'm also shooting a video for my newest song in this very park! Marsha: Radical! Which song? Osama Bin Laden: Well...why don't I show you. (takes microphone out of pocket) Heh, don't get me wrong I am happy to see you. A little joke there. Okay here it goes. Music. (singing some messed up version of Wings' 'Silly Love Songs') Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs. What's wrong with that....I'd like to know....cause here I go...again! I....love....you. I...love you.... I love you.. [Enter Saddam Hussein.] Saddam Hussein: I can't explain the feeling's plain to me...Say, can't you see... Osama Bin Laden: I love you... Saddam Hussein: Say, can't you see... [Enter Yassir Arafat followed by Mouamar Ghadafi.] Osama Bin Laden: I love you... Saddam Hussein: Ahhh...he gave me more, he gave it all to me. Say, can't you see... Yassir Arafat and Mouamar Ghadafi: How can I tell you about my loved one... Saddam Hussein: Say, can't you see... Osama Bin Laden: I love u... (music and singers fade into background) Marsha: I can't believe it. Mike can you believe it? Mike: No I can't. This is incredible! Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Mouamar Ghadafi and Yassir Arafat. It's the freakin' fab four...The Scarabs! Reunited again after all these years! Right here! In this park! This calls for a ham ball! [The Scarabs stop singing in background as Mike reaches into the picnic basket for another ham ball.] Osama Bin Laden: (grabbing Mike's arm) Hey, don't Bogart the ham balls dude! [Mike smiles and passes Osama his ham ball. Everybody starts eating ham balls and cheese balls.] [Sound fades to mute.] Announcer: This episode of Alternate Future Theatre has been brought to you by Taco Bell. [Super Taco Bell logo.] Announcer: The sandwich is a symbol of Western oppression, eat at Taco Bell. [The old Taco Bell dog pops onto screen. It's a still cut out of the dog, though it's mouth moves.] Taco Bell Dog: Yo quiero World Harmony. Yo quiero...Taco Bell. [A single tear falls from the dogs eye.] [Super Alternate Future Theatre logo.] Announcer: Stay tuned for next week's episode, Episode 620: 'What if Alternate Future Theatre was cancelled after episode 619?'. [Fade out to Badly Drawn Boy's 'All Possibilities'] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
