|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Jim.....Seth Meyers Neddy.....Horatio Sanz The Girlfriend.....Debra Messing [Scene opens with Jim (Meyers) typing away at the computer and Neddy (Sanz) entering the room from the right. The camera is set up slightly above and behind the monitor.] Neddy: Hey buddy…whatcha doin'? Jim: Dude check it out... I'm talkin' to this girl online... Neddy: Dude! For real? Jim: Yeah, and did I mention that she's hot? Neddy: Shut up! How do you know she's hot? Jim: I checked her online profile man…she's got a provocative pic. Come and look…(moves the mouse and hits a couple buttons) Neddy: Woah dude…she’s awesome! Is that a bike horn she’s got there? Jim: Yeah, I think so… Neddy: Man, you gotta let me see what y'all are sayin'! Jim: Ask and you shall receive broham...pull up a chair. Neddy: (a beat as he gets another desk chair and sits down) Ok ok, type something to her… Jim: Alright, here goes…how about (reciting slowly at the pace of typing; he will recite all of the messages like this) "hey girlie…what’s your ‘MO’ this evening?" Neddy: MO? What does that mean? Jim: Shut up, she’s typing back…(reciting) "My MO is you baby…got somethin’ in mind?" Neddy: Aww man, she’s a slut dude, you can tell! Jim: Hey! Easy, ok? Neddy: Sorry man, just playin’ along... Jim: That’s alright man...just be cool bro. I gotta uh...I gotta bag this babe! Neddy: Yeah! You gotta’ bag that ho! Jim: Dude, seriously...you’re about to piss me off! Neddy: Ok man, sorry…I’m just gettin’ carried away, you know? Jim: I know, I know…just wait for it, alright? Neddy: Ok ok. Jim: Alright, let’s see…(typing and reciting) "I do have somethin’ in mind…where do ya live?" [A beat as he waits for her response.] Jim: (reciting her message) "I live in the honors dorms across from McHays Hall. Where do you live, sexy thang?" Neddy: Ok dude, she just called you sexy...we’re definitely gettin’ some now! Jim: What’s this about we asslick? Neddy: What? I mean…uh…man come on, you gotta’ let me in on this dude... Jim: Well…alright, but I’m going first. Neddy: That’s fine by me...just as long as I get to tap that whore’s sweet honors gushy-ushy! Jim: Dude! This is the last time I’m tellin’ ya...I don’t wanna hear that kind of degrading stuff again, alright! That’s not how it’s done! Neddy: Man, I’m apologizin’ to ya, right now, ok? I swear I won’t talk dirty like that anymore. Jim: Alright, but remember, if you say that kinda crap again, you’re outta here! Neddy: Hey, I said I was sorry... Jim: You can go over to my Claire Danes poster and tell her you’re sorry for all I care! I just don’t wanna hear it again! Neddy: Ok man, back off! I won’t say anything else… Jim: Ok, let’s just drop it. Alright...(typing and reciting) "Lucky for you, we live in McHays Hall…so it won’t be a long walk for ya honey." Ok dude, we’re gonna see if this girl is serious… Neddy: Dude, she’s messagin’ ya... Jim: (reciting her message) "Wait a minute…did you say we in your last message?" Oh man...looks like she’s not into the two dudes thing… Neddy: Uh...I don’t get it dude...I mean...uh... Jim: Wait...(reciting her message) "So I gotta pleasure two of you now? Even better!" Neddy: (very excited) Dude, this is awesome! That means we’re both gonna (stands up and begins moving his hips to indicate intercourse and waves his hand like he’s slapping an ass) pop...that...coochie...raw! Jim: That’s it! (he gets up and punches Neddy in the face, who falls to the ground) Neddy: (from the floor) Dammit Jim! Why the hell did you do that? Jim: I told you not to say anything else dirty about my girlfriend! Neddy: (sitting up) Uh...man, what are you talking about? Jim: Oh shut up! The game’s over! The Girlfriend: (walking in quickly from the side) Sweetie, why did you hit him? Jim: You heard what he said! He said he was going to pop your…you know…vagina until it hurts or something… The Girlfriend: Who cares! You’re ruining this for all of us! Neddy: (getting up and rubbing his chin) Yeah, man…you’re the one that wants to do this three-way thing… Jim: No, no...that is wrong! She’s the one who wants to three-way, not me! Neddy: Oh, sorry… The Girlfriend: Listen honey, maybe this whole thing about you meeting me in a chat room to make this easier was a bad idea… Jim: Your damn right it was a bad idea! The Girlfriend: Your right…how ‘bout I just put away my laptop and us three can get it on! Jim: I don’t know…I mean, you got potty mouth over here calling you a whore and stuff… The Girlfriend: Listen, I don’t got him saying anything, alright! Don’t blame me for your roommate’s actions! Jim: That’s not what I meant… The Girlfriend: Ok then, what is it that you meant? Jim: What I meant is…well...screw this, I’m outta here! You two can have sex without me! Neddy: Awww sweeet! The Girlfriend: Oh don’t pull that crap with me! You know I don’t really wanna have sex with Neddy! The only reason I set this up was to see you two get naked and ram each other in the ass! Jim: What??? Neddy: Dude, that’s sick! Jim: Listen Neddy, I didn’t know about this. (now talking to her) What kind of sick, twisted girlfriend wants to see that? The Girlfriend: Oh, so here comes the name-calling parade... Neddy: He’s right, though...you are sick. The Girlfriend: Oh am I? So it’s ok for you two to watch your little beat-off tapes of lesbians licking each other and sticking dildos in every orifice imaginable, but I can’t rub myself while I watch my boyfriend unclog his best friend’s pooper??? Jim: Yeah, that’s right, that’s exactly right! It’s ok for us to watch two girls get it on, and it is most definitely not ok for you to want to see two guys goin’ at it, especially when those guys are your boyfriend and his roommate! The Girlfriend: Oh ok, so I guess my boyfriend and his ass-pal are nothing but a bunch of cavemen who don’t believe in equality for women! Jim: No, that’s not it at all... The Girlfriend: Whatever dickweed! I’m outta here! (begins walking briskly towards the door) Jim: Oh ok, get out then! I don’t need you and your gay voyeur crap anyway! The Girlfriend: (off-screen) Fine! (slams the door on her way out) [A beat as the two collect their thoughts.] Neddy: Dude, that was rough. I’m sorry for ya bro, right in here man (points to his heart). Jim: I appreciate it…but what can you do, you know? I mean, would you date a girl that gets turned on by seein’ guys punch each others’ clocks? Neddy: I sure wouldn’t dude. Jim: Yeah…that’s what I thought. I mean, it’s just not right. Neddy: Dude, I’m feelin’ ya... [A beat.] Jim: So, whatcha got goin’ on tonight? Neddy: Oh nothin’ man. Jim: Not goin’ out with Cindy? Neddy: Nah...she’s out of town. Jim: Well...since we ain’t got nothin’ to do, how about we break out that dike flick and make out while some hot lesbos rub their beavers together? Neddy: Sweet! You cue up the tape and remember, all I wanna see is two or...five beautiful girls gettin’ it on! I don’t wanna see no dongs in the picture... Jim: No way dude! That would be gay! Neddy: Yeah dude, totally...and we’re not gay! We have sex while watching lesbians! Jim: Right! [Fade to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
