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Charles Taylor.....Dean Edwards Scout #1.....Maya Rudolph (dressed like a boy) V/O: The following is a message from the president of Liberia [ Open indoors on press conference with Charles Taylor, president of Liberia, at podium with Liberian flags and seals situated around him ] Charles Taylor: Hello, I am Charles Taylor, president of Liberia. As some of you may know, I have recently been accused by the United Nations of training children to fight in rebellions in neighboring Sierra Leone. I would like to clear the air, at this time, about my involvement. While it is true I did run a facility for male youngsters aged nine to fifteen, to call it a military training camp is a gross misjudgment. Camp Coyote of the Boy Scouts of Liberia and Sierra Leone is actually a wholesome camp, where youngsters can socialize, learn valuable skills, and greaten their appreciation of nature and the outdoor world. A traditional day at Camp Coyote begins with morning exercises, such as push-ups, sit-ups, and the hand grenade throw. Following this is a trip to the mess hall, where campers are forced to squabble over insufficient field rations. Let me tell you, there's nothing these campers love more than a little friendly competition. Following that, the youngsters are taken on a nature hike, where they learn how to spot natural occurrences such as poison ivy, raccoon tracks, discarded ammo and land mines. After a short drink of water for lunch, campers disperse into smaller groups to work on obtaining merit badges. At Camp Coyote we have such popular survivalist merit badges as Cooking, First Aid, Whitewater Canoeing, Rifle Firing, Shotgun Firing, Uzi Firing, Pistol Firing, Tank Driving, Minigun/Large Arms Firing, Household Explosives, RPG Firing, Sculpture and the ever popular Emergency Cannibalism. Following a final trip to the mess hall, a traditional campfire closes out the night. Scouts participate in skits, stories, and camp songs. In fact, I have asked Troop 31 to come and sing a few camp songs for you. [ Scouts march in, heavily armed, and wearing chains of ammo ] Charles Taylor: (at campers, not microphone) I told you kids not to be in full uniform today. Scout #1: The scout motto is 'Be prepared,' sir! Charles Taylor: Can you just put the guns down for a minute? This is just a press conference. I mean, are the guns even loaded? Scout #1: Of course they are, sir! Charles Taylor: (frantic) Well, umm, maybe no one will notice, just sing the official camp song. [ Scout #1 blows a note on a harmonica ] All Scouts: (singing) Here we come, from desert and field To beautiful Camp Coyote We'll learn to hike, we'll learn to live At beautiful Camp Coyote Half of Scouts: (singing) So how much do you know? Other Half of Scouts: (singing) More than you know! Half of Scouts: (singing) So how much do you know? Other Half of Scouts: (singing) Here's what we know! All Scouts: (singing) There are fifty-three explosives That can blast through stone walls And twenty eight ways To cut off a man's- Charles Taylor: (interrupting) Let's not sing that song. What is that other song we always sing? [ Scout #1 blows a note on a harmonica ] Scout #1: (singing) Hey, hey Captain Jack Rest of Scouts: (singing) Hey, hey Captain Jack Scout #1: (singing) Meet me down by the railroad track Rest of Scouts: (singing) Meet me down by the railroad track Scout #1: (singing) With my paddle in my hand. Rest of Scouts: (singing) With my paddle in my hand. Scout #1: (singing) I'm gonna be a canoeing man! Rest of Scouts: (singing) I'm gonna be a canoeing man! [ Scouts start a second verse while Charles Taylor continues to speak to the press ] Charles Taylor: See, good, wholesome camp songs, about activities they can enjoy at Camp Coyote. [ Chalres Taylor jumps in with the boys ] Rest of Scouts and Charles Taylor: (singing) Meet me down by the railroad track Scout #1: (singing) With my rifle in my hand. [ Charles Taylor grimaces ] Rest of Scouts: (singing) With my rifle in my hand. Scout #1: (singing) I'm gonna be a commando man! Rest of Scouts: (singing) I'm gon- Charles Taylor: (interrupting, loudly) How about we sing another song now? [ Scout #1 blows a note on a harmonica ] All Scouts: (singing) Camp Coyote's great, it's really keen! It turned me into a killing machine! Shoot with the left hand, stab with the right! Then impale their skulls on a spike! Charles Taylor: (screaming) Enough! How about the Camp Cheer? All Scouts: (like a camp cheer) Kill! Kill! Rape! Rape! Kill and Rape! Kill and Rape! Charles Taylor: (screaming) Stop it! Stop it! (trying to control his temper) Ladies and gentlemen of the press, this is most unfortunate. There is only one thing I can say to apologize for my scouts' behavior. (a beat as camera zooms in on his face) Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
