|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Chameleon Man.....Will Forte Eduardo Mañera.....Luke Wilson Goth Chick #1.....Rachel Dratch Goth Chick #2.....Amy Poehler [ note: Chameleon Man wears blue clothing. When he activates his power, a chromatography filter is used to match his clothing with the background ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] Is it a man or is it a wall? [ still shot of Chameleon Man against a brick wall, followed by a still shot of him with arms raised while activating his power ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] A superhero or an opera hall? [ still shot in style of first, this time with an opera hall ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] It's hard to find the Chameleon Man. [ still shots of malicious riflemen looking for Chameleon Man in front of opera hall and looking befuddled ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] He's out of sight! The Chameleon Man. [ show title card ] Eduardo Mañera V/O: Journal Entry: July 21st, 2003 [ open on moderately busy shopping mall ] [ close-up of Eduardo using a pair of binoculars ] Eduardo Mañera V/O: I, Eduardo Mañera, have been stalking the Chameleon Man for seventeen months. I have tracked him down to the food court of the Frontier Mall outside Baltimore. [ shot of the Chameleon Man eating pizza with a fork and knife, deciding a piece is too hot just as it has irreversibly entered his mouth ] Eduardo Mañera V/O: The target acquired, I took stock of the situation: probable escape routes, the attentiveness of the surrounding public, the posted rules about what mall security considers "boisterous and disruptive behavior of a criminal sort," and the ninety-nine cent deal on the chili-cheesedogs. [ close-up of Eduardo chomping on chili-cheesedog, still focused on the binoculars ] Eduardo Mañera V/O: I maintained close surveillance on the Chameleon Man, while avoiding detection myself. [ wide shot showing Eduardo seated at a table only a few feet behind the Chameleon Man, still staring through the binoculars ] Eduardo Mañera V/O: Finally, it was time to strike. [ Eduardo puts away his binoculars, and approaches the Chameleon Man, still happily engorged in slicing and chewing each individual piece of pizza ] Eduardo Mañera: Chameleon Man! I would like a word with you. Chameleon Man: Very well. Eduardo Mañera: [ flatly ] I have come to give to you what you left me, during your battle at the Rivertime Grill. [ tense music starts to build ] [ close-up of a worried, fish-mouthed Chameleon Man ] Chameleon Man V/O: Oh no! The Rivertime Grill! That's where I, with the help of the Frighteningly Super-awesome Five, fought Doctor Deadly and his evil army of power robot drones. Unfortunately, many customers and employees of the restaurant were injured in that battle. This must be some criminally-insane man who blames me for the loss of his right hand or some other useful organ. [ shot of Mañera's right hand, which is healthy-looking ] Well, it could be a prosthetic hand. [ Mañera rolls his fingers into a fist ] You know, medical advances have made reattaching limbs really easy these days, it's like it never got severed. [ Mañera begins to reach into his pockets ] Uh oh! He's got a gun! [ fast chase music begins to play ] [ The Chameleon Man races off into the mall, and rounds a corner with a sign pointing towards the rest rooms ] Eduardo Mañera: Why do you keep running away from me? [ Eduardo runs after the Chameleon Man ] [ Cut to the Chameleon Man, who runs and enters a women's restroom. Inside the restroom, you see him lean up against a wall by the sinks, and then activate his power to blend into the wall ] [ Cut to Eduardo, who bursts through the door as well. Once in the bathroom, he looks around, as the chase music fades to search music ] Eduardo Mañera: I know you're in here, and I'll find you. [ Eduardo paces around the bathroom, tracing fingers along the walls in spots. The music raises in volume whenever Eduardo gets closer to the Chameleon Man ] Eduardo Mañera: Aha! According to the background music, you should be right over… [ walks over to just in front of the Chameleon Man ] [ Two Goth Chicks burst into the bathroom, chattering away ] Goth Chick #1: It's such a joke. I wish she were dead. Goth Chick #2: What a bitch! [ notices Eduardo ] What the hell are you doing in here? [ Eduardo gestures towards the wall where the Chameleon Man is ] Goth Chick #1: Get out, you disgusting pervert! [ The Goth Chicks hustle Eduardo out ] Goth Chick #2: What an ass! Goth Chick #1: [ disgustedly ] Some of those freaks think we'll do anything for someone that can score us beer. Goth Chick #2: Right! Like I'm gonna have sex in a bathroom stall with him! Goth Chick #1: Just… no. Goth Chick #2: [ a beat ] So you were telling me about that piercing you got last night… Goth Chick #1: That's right! You have to see this! Come over here where the light's better… [ Goth Chicks walk over to the sinks, stopping right in front of the Chameleon Man, still pretending to be part of the wall ] [ Goth Chick #1 angles herself away from the camera, facing Goth Chick #2 and the Chameleon Man. She lifts up her skirt in the front and tugs down on her panties, Goth Chick #2 maneuvers to get a good view. The Chameleon Man grimaces, almost yelping ] Goth Chick #1: I got it done at Markie's on Saturday. [ close-up on the Chameleon Man ] Chameleon Man V/O: Don't pay attention to them. Focus on being the wall. Focus! You don't wanna get thrown out of the bathroom back with that insane handless man who wants to kill you! [ cut back to wide shot ] Goth Chick #2: Wow. I didn't know you could pierce that part of it. [ a beat ] So does the chain get in the way? Goth Chick #1: I can just hold it off to the side. Goth Chick #2: You seem a bit puffy. Goth Chick #1: Yeah, the swelling is supposed to start going down on Wednesday. [ cut again to Chameleon Man straining hard ] Chameleon Man V/O: Focus! [ cut back to full shot ] Goth Chick #2: Is it supposed to be leaking like that? Goth Chick #1: It got a little infected, I have an ointment I'm supposed to put on it every six hours. [ pulls out a jar from her purse ] [ cut again to Chameleon Man, looking near constipated ] Chameleon Man V/O: That's just disgusting. [ cut to wide shot as he briefly flickers into view ] Focus, focus, focus, focus! [ a longer flicker ] NNNnnnhhhh! Focus! Goth Chick #2: Did you just hear something? Goth Chick #1: No, [ slight pause ] but I thought I saw something for a second. [ a beat ] This bathroom is giving me the creeps, let's get out of here. [ cut to outside of the bathroom as they exit. Eduardo is standing a few feet from the door, randomly whistling and holding a newspaper he isn't reading. After the Goth Chicks walk by him, he pokes his head out a bit, looks around, and darts into the bathroom. Camera zooms in on a window whose curtains are flapping in the breeze. ] Eduardo Mañera V/O: When I entered the bathroom, I could instantly tell he was gone. It didn't take an open window to give it away; the missing background music said it all. This Chameleon Man continues to intrigue and irritate me. Why does he keep running away from me? He left his watch at that restaurant and all I'm trying to do is return it! [ show title card ] Lounge Singer V/O: [ singing ] He's out of sight! The Chameleon Man! [ end ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
