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Jeffster.....Jeff Richards Doug.....Jimmy Fallon Woman in Audience.....Maya Rudolph Husband.....Seth Meyers Principal.....Dean Edwards [Sketch begins by showing stock footage of ballet dancers on-stage during a school recital. The kids participating look to be about five or six years of age at the most. They are performing a routine which has them hoping and spinning around in a coordinated fashion. Cut to Jeffster and Doug (Richards and Fallon) sitting in the audience. They are surrounded by mothers and fathers, who are there to support and encourage their children.] Jeffster: So Doug, what do ya think about the Mets’ chances of winning the Series this year? Doug: What, the World Series? Jeffster: Yeah. Doug: Dude, they suck! Jeffster: I know...I’m talking about the baseball team! Doug: So am I, jackass! Jeffster: What do ya mean? Doug: (mocking him) What do ya mean? Dude, you’re hopeless, ya know that? Jeffster: (raising his voice) Will you quit disturbing me...I’m trying to focus on the show! Doug: You’re the one who brought it up! Woman in Audience: (leaning over from the row above them) Will you two please quiet down! We’re here to watch our child! Doug: (turning around) Sorry... (now to Jeffster) Will you shut up? My god, we’re at a children’s ballet recital... you can’t just start yelling like that! Jeffster: Ok, ok...whatever... [A beat.] Jeffster: So, uh, how do you think the show’s going? Doug: Well, so far, these young performers look to be talented and graceful...and by "talented and graceful" I mean incompetent and sloppy as hell! Jeffster: Yeah, it seems as if they wouldn’t even know how to walk straight, much less dance. Doug: I think I’ve seen better ballet dancing watching two blind guys fight. Jeffster: I hear that. Hey, if these kids can’t even coordinate their movements properly, I don’t know how they're ever gonna learn to read! Doug: Yeah, you’re probably right... Jeffster: (loudly) You know it! Doug: Shhh! Jeffster: Ok ok... [A beat.] Jeffster: Say, what about the Bush Adminstration’s tax cut? It passed through Congress a little while ago... Doug: Yeah, the budget is gonna be all out of whack dude. Jeffster: Yeah I know...now all the poor people will have even more money to spend on big-screen TV’s and...uh...new power tools so they can...uh...rob us hard-working people with their saws... Doug: What the hell are you talking about, dick wrangler?! Jeffster: Why don’t you just shut it, you...uh...you...uh...penis handler! Doug: Uh...uh...uh...you gonna finish that joke someday? Jeffster: (loudly) Yeah, I will! Doug: Dude, quit being so loud! Jeffster: (even louder) Why don’t you quit being so... Woman in Audience: (interrupting) Hey! Will you two please quit talking!!! Man in Audience: (leaning over from beside the woman) Yeah, or I’ll have you two escorted out. I am a member of the PTA, you know... Jeffster: (mumbling) Yeah, sure ya are... Man in Audience: What was that? Jeffster: Nothing... Doug: Listen, we’re sorry. We’ll be quiet, I promise... [A beat.] Doug: So anyway dude, what do you think about this routine? Jeffster: Dude, I could go and take a poop right now, and what I would see in the toilet would look better than this! Doug: Yeah dude, when that one kid pirouettes, it looks as if she’s either high on crystal meth or just plain ol’ disabled. Jeffster: Yeah, and that other kid, the boy...I don’t know how he fit his fat ass into tights, but I’m sure at some point, that little toe he keeps hopping around on is going to snap if he doesn’t drop some pounds, quick! Doug: Yeah...and what’s up with these outfits? They got em’ wearin’ friggin’ tutu’s out there! Jeffster: I know...ballet doesn’t have to be gay... Doug: You’re right... Jeffster: I mean, I have a penis and I was in ballet and I’m not gay! Doug: Your having a penis has nothing to do with it, idiot! Jeffster: Oh ok, so you’re tellin’ me that gay men have penises? Ha! Now who’s the idiot?! Doug: Oh god, I don’t even know how to answer that... Jeffster: (loudly) Well then don’t! Woman in Audience and Man in Audience: (simultaneously) Shhh! Doug: (looking back) Sorry... [A beat.] Jeffster: Hey, what do you think about this SARS thing? Is it gonna be the next black plague or what? Doug: Maybe...if it isn’t contained properly. With a name like severe acute respiratory syndrome, it can’t be too easy to combat, you know. Jeffster: What are you talking about? SARS doesn’t stand for severe acute respiratory syndrome! It stands for psychic ass-reaming staph...uh...infections... Doug: Psychic doesn’t even start with an "s" you moron! Jeffster: Whatever dude...I tell ya what, the way these kids are moving, it looks like some of them have got SARS... Doug: Yeah, I’d like to take em’ all outside and throw bottles at ‘em until they showed me some real ballet dancing. Jeffster: Dude I swear, I think a barely-trained retard could have done a better job than coach with preparing these runts. Doug: I know, I know. I mean, I could get up on stage and stumble around drunk and high on cocaine and it look better than this... Jeffster: I could get up on stage and masturbate to a Lionel Ritchie album and it be better than this! Doug: What the hell? Lionel Ritchie? Dude, there’s seriously something wrong with you! Jeffster: Oh yeah? What are ya tryin’ to say? Doug: What I’m tryin’ to say is...great one dude! Hit me high! Jeffster: (loudly) Yeah! (the two slap hands) Doug: (also loudly) Another one for the Jeffster! Man in Audience: (standing) That’s it, you two are outta here! Doug: No wait dude...we’re just here to enjoy some top-quality ballet, ok? Jeffster: (mumbling) Yeah, right...top-quality... Doug: We’ll be quiet from now on... Jeffster: (half-heartedly) Yeah, no more talking loud, I swear... Man in Audience: (sitting back down) Well...alright. I’ll give you guys just one more chance, but try and sympathize, ok? This is our boy’s first dance recital. He’s been practicing real hard for this one... Jeffster: (chuckling) Dude, that’s your boy up there? Man in Audience: Yeah... Doug: (nudging his friend) Dude, don’t do this... Jeffster: (ignoring Doug) Sir, I swear if he does that bend and jump thing one more time, his little queer outfit is gonna rip and he’s gonna go crashing right through the floor on his bare ass! Man in Audience: (shooting up from his seat and yelling) That’s it!!! It’s go time, chumps! C’mon, I’m ready for both of you! Principal: (approaching from the left) Hey, hey, hey! What tha hell is goin’ on over here?! Jeffster: Dude, like this guy is threatening to beat us up because his kid’s got a weight problem and his wife keeps hitting on us. Man in Audience: That’s not true! He said some disgusting things about our boy! Woman in Audience: (now standing) Yeah, and I’m not hitting on them either! Jeffster: Whatever, she said she’d go home with us if we’d get you to come over here and kick him out. Man in Audience: Did you really say that, honey? Woman in Audience: No! That’s ludicrous! Principal: (grabbing the man by the arm) That’s it! You gotta go, mister PTA! Man in Audience: What??? I didn’t do anything! Principal: All I know is you’re the one standin’ up and yellin’ while the kids is on-stage doin’ they little dances, and these two may get laid by that pretty white lady if I get you outta here, so come on! Man in Audience: Hey! That pretty white lady is my wife! Let me go! Principal: Have at it boys! [The man is pulled away off-screen as the principal winks at Jeffster and Doug. The woman resumes her seat. She has her arms crossed and is visibly upset.] Jeffster: Dude, can you believe that worked? Doug: Yeah dude, that was crazy. I can’t believe you got away with that. Jeffster: I’m tellin’ ya bro, I’m tha best! Doug: The best at what? Almost getting us thrown out of places? Jeffster: Whatever...I saved our asses! Doug: Whatever... [A beat.] Jeffster: So, what do you think about that UFO sighting in southern Arizona? I’m thinkin’ this could mean the end of civilization, or... Doug: Shut up! [Jeffster appears to be pissed off at Doug’s coarse remark as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
