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Uday Hussein.....Horatio Sanz Qusay Hussein.....Fred Armisen President George W. Bush.....Chris Parnell [Scene begins in the basement of a house. It looks like a typical basement...nondescript walls, pipes and such for air conditioning and heating, etc. A tattered couch sits in the middle of the room alongside an old coffee table. Enter Uday (Sanz) and Qusay (Armisen) Hussein walking down the basement stairs amidst sounds of gunshots and explosions, which appear to be coming from the outside of the house. The are both dressed in beige military garb; blood is smeared about their uniforms.] Uday: Whoo! Yeah! Qusay: Man...I’m tellin’ ya...that was intense! Uday: You said it, bro. [Both take a seat on the couch.] Qusay: I swear, if that Bush asks us to do one more thing for him... Uday: I know...I mean, just ‘cause we tortured and maimed thousands of Iraqis doesn’t mean we’re his publicity puppets! Qusay: Well...he can’t ask us to do anything again...I mean, we died, the American people are happy... Uday: Yeah...(moves around in an animated fashion, as if to indicate sarcasm) they caught the bad guys...like in the movies...(both chuckle) Qusay: (removes a drape on the back wall, revealing a familiar object to hardcore SNYers) Boy, it's just too bad Bush wouldn't let us fire back a few rounds from our trusted cannon. Uday: Yeah, leave it to women's groups to ruin everything good about Iraq. Qusay: That's right. But.. at least we’re clear! Uday: You said it. At least now we're off to the Bahamas where raping and gun-toting is still mandatory! Qusay: Actually..I was thinking we could go to Haiti instead. Uday: Haiti? What the hell's there to do in Haiti? Qusay: I thought we could hook up with one of those voodoo mistresses, maybe pull a little double-cross on Bush? Uday: I like it! Now he can be our puppet! Uday & Qusay: [ happily high-five and low-five one another in anticipation ] [President Bush (Parnell) enters and walks down the stairs.] Bush: Hey boys... Uday: (acting surprised) Oh...hey...uh...dude... Qusay: Hey... Bush: Guess what? I see dead people. (laughs at his own joke) Narrow enough escape for ya? (pats Uday on the back playfully) Uday: Uh...yeah...it was real scary! Qusay: Man, it was more than scary...I don’t know if I’ll be able to have children after taking that paintball round to the balls...(looks down at red spot on his crotch) Bush: Yeah...proves you can find comedy in any situation... Qusay: Uh...sure... Bush: Anyway boys, I'm real happy about all of this...you have truly absolved yourselves by faking your deaths... Uday: Ahh...it's no problem bro... Qusay: Yeah...and those body doubles your government provided to die in our place were exact matches, man...how'd you guys do it? Bush: Well...you'd be surprised at how many dark-skinned, grim-looking mustached men we have lurking around in southern Texas...and they'll do pretty much anything to get their families across the border... Uday: That sounds rough, man... Qusay: Yeah... Bush: Don't worry about it...they were just Mexicans. God knows there's plenty more where they came from. [ a beat ] Anyway...again guys, I really appreciate this... Uday: Right...so...can we go now? I’m ready for whiskey drinks and little boys’ dinks! Bush: Not so fast guys...I need you to do one more thing... Uday: What’s that? Bush: Look right over there and say: "Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.." [The crowd begins to cheer, but Uday cuts them off.] Uday: Nah man...we can’t do that... Qusay: Yeah...uh..it’s against our religion bro... Bush: What religion is that? Uday: Saddamy. Bush: Never heard of it, to be honest I thought you were Islam. Qusay: We were but Dad thought it'd be cool to make a few improvements like making it okay to have orgies for 12 days straight and being drunk....well, all the time. Bush: You couldn't say: "Live from New..." Qusay: (interrupting) Actually, we don't even like it said around us. Bush: So I couldn't say it, either? Uday: No. Bush: Is there a particular reason you can't say it? Qusay: We don't like the way it sounds. Bush: What if you plug your ears? Uday: It would still be against our beliefs. Bush: But you wouldn't hear it. Uday: We would know it was being said. Bush: You've never had a problem with this before. Qusay: Ever since you asked us to have a near-death experience, we've really turned around. Bush: Really? Well, then, I think this is going to put a real strain on our relationship. Uday: That's okay with me. Qusay: Me too. Bush: Well, okay then, I think our friendship may have run its course. Good-bye. I'll be in touch. Uday & Qusay: Bye. Bush: (turning to leave) Uday: Oh, one thing before you go... Uday & Qusay: "LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
