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John.....Will Forte Brad.....Luke Wilson Heather.....Amy Poehler Michelle.....Maya Rudolph Image of Stacy.....Rachel Dratch [ open on interior, singles bar, as half-bored John Moore, dressed in a sports jacket sans tie, enters the crowded room glancing back and forth looking for someone ] [ suddenly, the stylishly-dressed hipster Brad pushes his way through the crowd to greet John ] Brad: There he is! And they said you weren't going to show! John: Well, to be perfectly frank, I don't know why I agreed to this. Not only do I detest blind dates, but it feels too soon after my divorce. Brad: Dude, you've been divorced for two years. You wait any longer, your clothes are going to go out of style again. John: When did my clothes go out of style..? Brad: I'm kidding! I'm trying to get you in a good mood. John: By insulting my taste in clothing? I don't see how- Brad: Dude, let it go! Heather and I are about to introduce you to the most attractive women you've ever met! She's perfect for you! John: [ with a glaze in his eyes ] And, yet.. I once knew another woman who I thought was perfect for me.. Brad: Let Sarah go! She divorced you for another man - it happens! Marriages aren't even supposed to last more than a couple years now! John: I'm not talking about Sarah. [ looks at camera as it zooms in closer ] I'm talking about the one I'd forsaken to be with Sarah. Brad: [ trying to think back ] Who.. Stacy? That girl you had a class with one semester? John: [ remembering vividly ] Organic Chemistry 101.. Xavier Hall, Room 206. I sat behind her that entire semester, and finally worked up the courage to ask her to the library to study for the final exam. With my help, she brought up her GPA an entire letter. We went our separate ways over the Christmas break, but she said we could get together the next semester. Brad: [ tired of hearing this story ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.. and then you met Sarah at Spring registration and she insisted on being your girlfriend. What's the point? John: [ angry ] The point is, I never got to tell Stacy how I felt about her! Brad: Well, play your cards right and you can feel this girl up instead! John: Fine! I'll meet you at the table as soon as I freshen up. Brad: Alright, but hurry! [ exits to the back of the room ] [ John hangs his head and retreats to the men's room along the side wall ] [ cut to the men's room, as John enters and splashes water on his face in front of the mirror. When he looks up, he notices the image of Stacy standing behind him. ] Image of Stacy: [ smiling ] Why are you so nervous? You should try to relax. John: What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be in the men's room. Image of Stacy: Relax, you're only imagining that I'm here. It's sweet, but a little creepy. If the real me knew about it, she'd freak. John: Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. But there's nothing I can do about it. Image of Stacy: [ folds her arms ] Hmmph. And after all those nights I sat by the phone waiting for you to call. John: Really? Image of Stacy: [ laughs ] Yeah, right! I have no trouble getting dates. But seeing you on one could be entertaining. John: So you just came here tonight to torment me? Image of Stacy: In a nutshell. John: Look, we can talk.. later.. but for now, stay out of the way. Image of Stacy: Sure. If you think you can get me out of your mind for five minutes. [ with a look of panic on his face, John bolts out of the men's room ] [ cut to back table in the bar, where Brad, Heather and Michelle sit at a table with a basket of buffalo wings ] Heather: There he is! And they said you weren't going to show! Brad: Of course he showed! He's just fashionably late, that's all! [ winks at the girls ] Heather: Michelle, this is Brad's friend John Moore. John, I'd like you to meet my cousin Michelle. John: [ nervous, sits next to Michelle ] H-how do you do, Michelle. It's nice to meet you. Michelle: Did you say your name is John? John: Well, actually.. Heather said my name is John.. but, yes.. my name is John. Michelle: Really? I once had a cat named John! [ the image of Stacy suddenly appears behind John and leans on his shoulder, as Michelle continues to talk about her cat ] Image of Stacy: Oh yeah, she's a real keeper. If I was a man, I'd definitely want to get in her pants. John: Now, what's THAT supposed to mean?! Image of Stacy: Relax, I'm just kidding around. [ wraps her arm around John's neck in a playful headlock and gives him a noogie ] I'm sure she's as exciting as the cat she named after you. John: Stop it! She didn't name the cat after me! It's just a coincidence! Image of Stacy: [ wraps her arms around John's waist and leans her head next to his ] I know.. hey, I have a bag of nails in my garage named after your friend Brad, and a low-growing shrub in my back yard named after Heather! John: [ angry ] Alright, that's enough! I'm trying to get through this date with a little dignity, so would you please quit harassing me! Image of Stacy: [ laughs ] I'm harrassing you? Hey, I didn't ask to have you fantasize about me twenty-four hours a day, okay? If you want to hook up, just give me a call. John: You live in California. Image of Stacy: What does that have to do with anything? John: I live in New York. We could never get together. Image of Stacy: Yeah, amazing technological breakthrough in the nine years since college - they invented the airplane. John: I know all about the airplane! Image of Stacy: Couldn't you fly out West on business? You do computer sales, don't you? John: [ to himself ] This is crazy.. I'm on a date with a seemingly attractive woman, so why are you here? Image of Stacy: I think it was Robert Frost who wrote about the road less traveled. John: That's right - and it was Bad Company who wrote about movin' on. Image of Stacy: Really. And are you movin' on.. or are you living in the past? John: [ shakes head ] I couldn't date you, anyway - you're too antagonistic! Image of Stacy: That's probably because I'm a dog person, and not a wussy cat lover like this delicate flower. [ rubs her hand on John's chin, then turns his head back toward Michelle ] Hey, Hot Stuff - I think she's waiting on you to say something polite about her cat. John: [ turns back toward Michelle ] W-w-well, w-when can I see your p-pussy? [ cringes, drops his head on the table and pounds it with his fists ] Michelle: [ offended ] Excuse me?! Heather: What is your problem, John? Brad: Hey man, what are you thinking? John: I'm sorry.. my mind is distracted this evening! Brad: Didn't I tell you to forget about Stacy! Michelle: [ to Heather ] Who's Stacy, his ex-wife? Heather: No, it's some girl he wishes he dated in college. Michelle: Oh, my God.. I thought you said you were setting me up with a real stud? Heather: Well, I tried. Come on, the night's young.. I'll introduce you to the bartender. He has a moustache. Michelle: [ excited ] Ooh! I love facial hair! [ the two girls walk away from the scene ] Brad: [ to John ] I try to do you a favor, John, and what do you do? John: I told you I wasn't ready. Brad: Well, congratulations - you won that argument. If you'll excuse me, I get to be with two ladies tonight. I'll talk to you tomorrow. John: Great, I'll see you tomorrow. [ John sits alone at the table as Brad walks away. When he looks up, he sees the image of Stacy sitting across from him. ] Image of Stacy: So, are you coming to California or not? John: Do I have a real shot, or am I just convincing myself I'll get a Yes? Image of Stacy: [ considering ] I would go out with you. What we had was special, and I always hoped for more. I'd have given anything for a kiss that night. John: Well, pucker up. [ they lean close for a kiss ] [ cut to Brad walking back to the table to retrieve his drink. He finds John kissing the napkin dispenser. ] Brad: You're a sick man, John. John: [ embarrassed ] I, uh.. I.. I think I'll show myself out. [ stands to leave, turns back and takes the napkin dispenser with him ] To wipe the inevitable tears. Brad: Right. [ John holds the napkin dispenser close as he walks off, leaving Brad with a confused look on his face ] [ cue bar music out: "Stumblin' In", Suzi Quatro ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
