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Sandra.....Maya Rudolph Carla.....Rachel Dratch Lisette.....Tina Fey Packages Server.....Seth Myers Packages Manager.....Luke Wilson [Open on exterior shot of Packages Sports Bar with marquee reading “Reality show special: $3 shooters and well drinks”. Cut to interior, where three women sit on stools around a scruffy table. All three appear to be looking above and past the audience, i.e. at a big-screen TV overhead.] Sandra: Wooooo! That’s right Erin, you make him WORK for that money! Carla: I know that’s right! Have him open every door, pull out your chair, cart all your shopping bags! Lisette: He ain’t even that cute though, so I’ve got a hunch she’s gonna drop him. Let’s be real: She may be in it “For Love and Money”, too, but these guys have gotta show some steak if they’re going to sizzle. Speaking of which… I thought Packages was all about quick service. [louder:] Who do we have to flash to get those buffalo wings, it’s been nearly 15 minutes! [A Packages server, naked except for a black bow tie and a bright-orange cardboard box completely encasing his groin, comes by the table with the order of wings.] Packages Server: [timid] Sorry about the delay, ladies. [The women pounce on the wings, eating loudly and mulling over the reality show competitors.] Packages Server: We’ve been short-staffed and the cooks can’t keep up – Sandra: Zip it, new guy. If we wanted your life story, we’d tell you our 900 number and charge ya $4 a minute to hear it. [looks him over] I’ll give you this much, you’ve got some nerve working at Packages with such modest goods to deliver. Lisette: Yeah, I thought this place had some minimum size standards! [The comments flummox the server.] Stop opening and closing your mouth, you look like a trout on a line. And bring us another tub of ranch sauce! [The server runs off, then returns with the sauce. Shortly afterward, his manager drops by the table.] Packages Manager: [in a white bowtie and a similar "package", only gift-wrapped] Good evening ladies. Is everything all right with your wings? Carla: The wings are fine but your new guy here brought late so they got cold. [eyes narrow] And you know cold wings are no good, they could give us salmonella or something! Is this any way to treat loyal customers? Packages Manager: Certainly not. [opens a side panel of his “package” and pulls out some coupons.] Here, you’re each entitled to a buy-12-wings, get-12-free discount good for one year. Lisette: That’s better! Cause you know we’re up in this bitch all the time! Packages Manager: But by all means, don’t wait too long to use them. We’ve got big events coming up next month for the "Love or Money 2" finale, plus every episode of "The Restaurant". Sandra: Sounds good. I don’t know about that Rocco though, he seems kinda soft in the head. Carla: I know! Lining up $4 million in backing, totally refurbishing a Manhattan space in five weeks – then he hires waiters with no experience, just ‘cause they made him laugh?! He’s not gonna last til Christmas! [A buzzing sound emerges from Sandra’s purse: her cellphone.] Sandra: Who the hell? [looks at the phone.] Oh great, my husband has a spider corner but he needs me to come finish it off. Well chicks, looks like I’ve got to check in with the blue-ball-and-chain. [burps loudly, then leaves] Packages Server: [to the side, speaking with his boss] Should I clear her plate off? Packages Manager: Not yet, she left a few weeks and her friends will probably want to polish those off too. [his eyes light up in recognition] See, what did I tell you? Packages Server: Oh you called that one, alright. I hope I improve and become as a big a Package guy as you. Package manager: You’ll get there, it just takes time. Hmm. And maybe a gym membership. Packages Server: Okay okay, I’ll bulk up! Geez. [fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
