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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Captain Democrat.....Identity Still Unknown Gary Forrestor.....Will Forte Paul Forrestor.....Fred Armisen Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: Good evening, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey, here are tonight's top stories. In Iraq, Saddam Hussein's sons encountered U.S. soldiers in a lethal firefight. Uday and Qusay got ewed-scray, met their oom-day and went aboom-kay. Vietnam has banned television and radio from airing advertisements for condoms, sanitary pads and other products at dinner time, calling the ads "unaesthetic and unsuitable to Vietnamese psychology and traditional customs." And you don't need that kind of aggravation when you're trying to eat someone's dog. Jimmy Fallon: Kobe Bryant was charged with sexual assault last Friday. Asked to comment, R&B singer R. Kelly said, “What’s the big deal?” India's working elephants are to be fitted with reflective patches on their rears to help drivers spot the elephants and prevent fender-benders. According to program director Aniruddha Mookerjee: "The butt-reflector, roped to the seat, costs just 100 rupees and is the simplest way to protect the elephants." I have no joke; I was just thrilled to use the words "Aniruddha Mookerjee" and "butt-reflector" in the same sentence. Tina Fey: A convicted murderer wants the state of New York to pay $500,000 for his sex change, and a key ruling in his case has moved him closer to his dream of serving the rest of his sentence in a women's jail. Family members of the murder victim said they'd be happy to remove the murderer's penis, but they'll be damned if they're going to pay for the installation of a vagina! 
Columbia Pictures has admitted to retouching promotional posters for the upcoming Jennifer Lopez/Ben Affleck film Gigli in order to make Lopez’s butt look less big. A spokesman for Columbia later stated that this was the easy part...the hard part was retouching the posters to make Ben Affleck’s face look less gay.
Also this week, Jennifer Lopez said that she is the most faithful person she has ever known. In a related story: Hey Jen, you left you panties at my place last night! Jimmy Fallon: Queen Elizabeth is making plans to knight actor Pierce Brosnan for his contributions to the “James Bond” series of films. In a related story, George Lazenby will work for food. The original G.I. Joe went on auction this week. And the cast of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” is “all over it”! Scientists this week discovered information about a tree-killing beetle. Apparently, this type of beetle is causing a serious threat for America’s trees. In response, the terror alert is on high and there is a bounty out for any bands that like to sing about living in a Yellow Submarine. Now here with a political commentary is Captain Democrat. Captain Democrat: Hello, Jimmy! Hello, Tina! I apologize for not making a good enough conviction to get on “Meet The Press” and pissing on Strom Thurman’s gravestone. I got to his gravesite, but I was courted off the cemetery because someone tipped off the police that I was going to try it. It didn’t quite goes as planned, but that’s not why I’m here. I am here to do a commentary. It’s more of an idea for our country. My idea is…let’s sell the state of Texas to Mexico! It’s a great idea and you know what for any of you who are interested in this idea, go to my website which is called “Captain-Democrat-Has-An-Idea-dot-com.” Sign my petition for the U.S. to sell the state of Texas. This is such a wise, smart idea because 75% of the state of Texas is already immigrants and the other 25% of the state is the Bush family. And coinidly, the 75% of the 75% of immigrants work for the President’s family. You know as gardeners, servants and fake voters in Florida. But here’s the best part… (Jimmy and Tina have a sidebar) Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know, what do you think, Tina? Tina Fey: Too small to be Michael Moore. Jimmy Fallon: No beard, can’t be Gore, doesn’t sound like Gore. Tina Fey: Lieberman? Jimmy Fallon: I’ll find out. (Jimmy & Tina finish their sidebar) Captain Democrat: …and that is why we should seriously consider selling the state of Texas. Thank you for your time, Jimmy and Tina! Jimmy Fallon: Your welcome, Captain Democrat. (With urgency in his voice) Captain Democrat, I hate to sound like a push, but, we gotta know, who are you? Captain Democrat: Jimmy, Tina, I knew it would come to this…okay, here is a hint, you can’t have the Mango! Jimmy & Tina: Kattan! Captain Democrat: No, just kidding…here is my deal for this week…I am going to crank call the Republican National Headquarters and say my name is Jacques Itch. (Captain Democrat & Jimmy share a chuckle) Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s cool, but what good is that going to do? Captain Democrat: I don’t know, I’ve ran out of funny. See you next week! (Captain Democrat exits) Tina Fey: Captain Democrat, everyone! 
A team of doctors in Melbourne, Australia are claiming that frequent masturbation may actually work to prevent prostate cancer. In response to these findings, doctors in America have concluded, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that French Stewart will never, EVER have prostate cancer.
If these findings are indeed confirmed, doctors are expected to begin endorsing masturbation as a valid health practice. Also expected is a substantial rise in the sales of seeing-eye dogs and dementia pills. Mantak Chia, a Taoist master in Bangkok, has written a new book titled Sexual Reflexology and in it states that men with hairy backs have "strong sexual power" and are therefore better in bed than their less hirsute counterparts. Oddly enough, not many people are disputing this...well...except for cancer patients. 
Chia also claims that women with small teeth are best in bed because they have "beautifully arranged genitals." I guess this explains why Carly Simon’s vagina is arranged upside-down.
Jimmy Fallon: Scholars at the University of Texas have digitalized the school's Gutenberg Bible, valued at $20 million, and posted the pages on the Internet for free. Meanwhile, checking out BigBooties.com still costs $9.99 per month, or $3.50 at magazine stands for a hard copy. Last week, a man was charged with riding his bike while allegedly under the influence of alcohol. Reports state that Lance Armstrong immediately apologized for his behavior, and continued leading at the Tour de France by 100 million seconds. 
Tina Fey: In England’s Sheffield County, new detectors will keep traffic lights red for pedestrians crossing the street based on their size and walking speed. Reports state that motorists are already outraged at this new technology, thanks to American Idol winner Ruben Studdard, who was on tour in Sheffield County on Friday and caused a ten hour traffic jam in search of a public crapper.
The independent, nonprofit group Center for Science in the Public Interest released a study Wednesday which reveals the high calorie and fat intake of ice cream makes it a national health risk. However, it's still a lot of fun when used in the bedroom. [ winks at the camera ] Jimmy Fallon: The heatwave sweeping Germany claimed an unlikely victim last week, when a man sleeping on a roof to escape the high temperatures rolled off, suffering fatal injuries. It should be noted that the injuries wouldn't have been fatal if he hadn't fell on his brand-new Ginsu garden gnomes. A New Mexico family is suing their local Catholic church over a funeral Mass in which they claim a priest said their relative, who had died at the age of 80, was "living in sin," "lukewarm in his faith" and that "the Lord vomited people like Ben out of his mouth to hell," all because he was too ill to attend church in the last year of his life. In his defense, the family says at least he never took his car for a spin on Santa Monica Boulevard. Tina Fey: Should senior citizens be required to surrender their driving permits once they reach a certain age? This question has sparked much debate since last week's tragic hit-and-run collision in Santa Monica, California. Here to offer a Point/Counterpoint on the situation are Siamese twins Gary & Paul Forrestor. [ camera pans to Tina's right to reveal Siamese twins who look somewhat like one bulky man, but with two heads side-by-side ] Gary Forrestor: Thank you, Tina. While last week's tragedy in Santa Monica certainly makes us think about the competence of elderly drivers, the fact is that it's an isolated incident. For the most part, elderly people are the safest drivers on the road, because they don't drag race, speed or perform other aggressive acts of road rage. I think even my brother Paul could agree. Paul Forrestor: As if! I say kill the old codger! If he can't distinguish the gas pedal from the brake, then he not only belongs off the road, but off the planet as well! Gary Forrestor: Look, I'm not saying he's not a responsible driver. By all means, he SHOULD have his license revoked, but killing him seems a little extreme. Paul Forrestor: He had no problem killing all those people in that market! Gary Forrestor: That wasn't intentional! He made a mistake. If you want to revoke his license and call it a punishment, that's fine. But killing an 86-year old man is not going to rectify the situation. Paul Forrestor: You know, it takes a bad driver to defend a bad driver! Gary Forrestor: Now, what's THAT supposed to mean?! Paul Forrestor: You know what it means, Gary. You've always hated the fact that I got my driver's license two years before you did, but that's only because I earned the privilege. Tina Fey: Wait a minute. What do you mean you got your driver's license two years before he did? You're Siamese twins, for God's sake! Paul Forrestor: Tina, while I admit that Gary did surprisingly well on the written test, his performance behind the wheel was simply not enough to merit an issuance of his license at that time. Like the old man, he couldn't tell the gas pedal apart from the brake. Gary Forrestor: If we lived in England, I DAMN sure would have gotten my license before you did! Tina, the gas pedal is on the right side of the driver's seat, and I've been a lefty all my life. Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] But you're the right-sided twin. Gary Forrestor: The genetic code can be a humorless mistress. Paul Forrestor: So, because he's always on the right, it took a lot of practice for him to get used to moving our right foot over to the brake pedal. Gary Forrestor: You think you're so perfect because you never have trouble situating your left foot onto the gas pedal. Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] What? Paul Forrestor: You see, Jimmy, as the elderly have taught us in a roundabout way, braking is more important than hitting the gas. And Gary had an extra two years to learn that while watching me drive. Of course, the worst part was having to drag him along on dates whenever I borrowed our dad's car. Gary Forrestor: Hey, I was no third wheel - I brought a date, too! Paul Forrestor: What was the point? It's not like you ever got anywhere with them. Jimmy, we share the same penis, but, believe me, I use it more than he does. Jimmy Fallon: Okay, I did NOT want to know that. Gary Forrestor: Oh, yeah? Oh yeah? Well, while your hand was on the steering wheel, mine was up your girlfriend's skirt.. and I didn't have to wait two years to gain access! Paul Forrestor: You're lying! Gary Forrestor: Am I? Well, maybe the truth serum on these panties will say otherwise. [ reaches hand into pocket and pulls out a pair of black silk panties ] Paul Forrestor: [ face grows wide ] You dirty son of a bitch! That's it! You're going down, PUNK! [ Paul lunges their left arm outward to put Gary in a headlock, as Gary shoves their right hand into Paul's face ] Together: Ow.. ow.. leggo.. bastard..! [ Tina jumps in to break up the fight, by pushing their heads away from one another. ] Tina Fey: Alright, break it up, you two! Siamese Twins Gary & Paul Forrestor, ladies and gentlemen! Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
