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.....Luke Wilson
(Luke sits down at a plain wooden desk with one lamp on it, nothing else can be seen in the room. Luke is wearing a knit cap and has some scruffy facial hair; he begins writing and what he writes is voiced over. The speed of his writing reflects the tone of his voice i.e. when calm he writes slowly, when excited or angry he writes fast.) (Read formally and calmly) To Whom It May Concern, more specifically "Russell Crowe and the 30 Odd Foot of Grunts": I recently purchased your record, and found myself vastly disappointed. I didn't mind that that current single was not on the record, but was only released in Uruguay and, therefore, twice as much as the album. And I didn't mind that there were only six tracks on the 18-dollar disc. I didn't even mind that three of those songs were "remixes" of songs from your previous album. However, I did not like the album cover. It was hideous, profane, and completely pointless. (Picture of the cover, a smiley face drawn with its tongue sticking out in black sharpie marker) (Luke clears throat) Consequently, I feel as if I have been cheated out of my money and that it is only fair that I get back the money, which you received from the sale of this record. (Sounding very annoyed) Yes, I would like the entire fourteen and a half cents earned in profit returned to me in full and in cash; as opposed to the 14 cents returned to me last time. I know they don't make half cent coins, but let me just say, if you know what's good for you, I think you'll figure out a way. I would also like to take this opportunity to call to your attention this important, yet commonly overlooked fact: you are no good. (Speaking faster and sounding very angry) You are a talentless, waste of radio airtime and it makes me sick to think that while you are living it up in your Montana apartment, which overlooks a sewage plant, my hard-earned money is supporting your cheese whiz addiction! (Slightly yelling) I hope you rot in Hell for what you've done and that you NEVER make another record! You deserve to be with the likes of the Spice Girls, any boy band after those first two, (in a normal voice, as an aside) not counting new kids on the block, (angry again) and Kenny G! (Screaming at the top of his lungs) I hate you and I hope you never go into the studio again, and if you do I hope that the technicians are cannibalistic pigmies who gnaw your bones raw and use the tape you wasted to choke you until your eyes bulge out. And if you don't go to a studio with cannibalistic pigmies I hope you go to one with sociopath oompa loompas or rabid carebears or murderous mountain goats that smell really really bad! (Takes a series of deep breaths, now is angry but not screaming, each word is forced out) I hate you, I wish you were dead, and I'm really pissed about this record! Not because the songs are crap, which they are, or because it was overly priced, which it was, or because you SUCK, which you do, but because of the goddamn album cover! I hate the friggin album cover! (Grabs the cover in his non-writing hand and tries to light it on fire with a lighter using only one hand while writing with the other hand) Right now, you can't see me, but I'm burning your album cover! (Can't light it with only the one hand, gets angry, breaks the pencil, knocks the chair over stomps on the album cover on the group before picking it up and calmly burning it. He then, while smiling, sets the chair straight, holds the remaining tip of the pencil lead and finishes writing) By the way, the last album was great. I listen to it everyday. Good luck with your next one. Sincerely, Russell Crowe Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
