[Scene starts with the host (Meyers) and Macy sitting next to each other in nice, leather chairs divided by a stand which holds a nondescript potted plant. The host, Tobey Dillen, is wearing jeans and a nice T-shirt. Macy is wearing a sport jacket, sans tie, and khaki pants. Soft music plays as the title card is presented and ends as Dillen begins the show.]

[TITLE CARD: Actors I Like, Hosted by Tobey Dillen]

Host: Welcome to Actors I Hate. I’m your host Tobey Dillen and with me today is William H. Macy, one of the worst actors of all-time. How ya doin’ William H?

Macy: (puzzled slightly) Uh...fine Tobey...

Host: (shakes thumb at Macy and speaks to audience) See what I’m talkin’ about...(mocking him in a silly voice) uh...fine Tobey...

[An uncomfortable pause sets in as Dillen just stares at Macy.]

Macy: Oh...I get it. This is uh...this is like a comedy joke thing...like that Marty Short show over on Comedy...uh...

Host: (interrupting) You mean Jiminy Glick?

Macy: Right. Jiminy Glick...on Comedy Cen...

Host: (interrupting) No! (a beat as he shakes his head "no" quickly and vigorously with a silly look on his face)

Macy: So...uh...what is this supposed...

Host: (interrupting) You played a gay dude in Magnolia right?

Macy: Uh...yes...yes I did. I played a homosexual former quiz show winner who...

Host: (interrupting loudly) The world...wants to know why!

Macy: The world? The world wants to know why what?

Host: The world wants to know why you picked such a gay role to play!

Macy: I’m not sure I’m following...but if you mean gay in an insulting way, then I guess my answer would be...

Host: (interrupting) I don’t think anyone really cares what your answer is!

Macy: Well...uh...you asked me if...

Host: (interrupting) All I know is me and my friends think you’re gay for playing such a gay role!

Macy: Uh...but...

Host: (interrupting) You were also on Sports Night, right?

Macy: Let’s get back to the gay thing. I’m not...

Host: (interrupting) No! (shakes his head again in a similarly vigorous, quick, and silly manner)

Macy: (relenting) Ok...

Host: I thought Sports Night was fantastic...well, only the last episode, because that meant the show was cancelled.

Macy: Oh...well...we were nominated for and...uh...did win several Emmy’s...

Host: (interrupting) The bottom line is no one was watching, correct?

Macy: Well...the ratings were low...and that’s why...

Host: (interrupting) And don’t you feel like that’s somehow your fault? (pointing at himself) Because I do!

Macy: Now wait just a minute...that’s ludicrous! I was only in...

Host: Moving on...(begins shaking his head like before)

Macy: No we’re not moving on!

Host: Mooooooving on...(still shaking his head)

Macy: Stop shaking your...

[Macy pauses in wonderment as Tobey continues to shake his head like an idiot.]

Macy: Stop!

[Dillen stops for a second, and then continues. Macy throws his arms up and looks off in frustration. Dillen soon stops, but when Macy looks back at him, he continues to shake his head once again.]

Macy: This is crazy...

Host: (loudly) Fargo! You were in it right?

Macy: (visibly frustrated) Yes...I was...

Host: And it bombed, right?

Macy: (snapping back) It didn’t bomb! It grossed over 25 million at the box office, and it made AFI’s top 100...

Host: (interrupting loudly) So?! Kangaroo Jack grossed over 70 million!

Macy: What does that have to do with Fargo?

Host: Fargo sucked!

Macy: What? No it didn’t!

Host: Yes it most certainly did!

Macy: No it didn’t you little f*ck!

Host: (childishly) Oooooh! You said a cussword!

[A beat as Macy collects himself while simultaneously attempting to process Dillen’s response.]

Macy: Why...why are you doing this?

Host: Why am I doing what...exposing you for the fake ass-head that you are???

Macy: No! Why did you bring me here to tell me all my work....sucks and to...call me a fake ass...head or whatever?

Host: I told you the name of the show was "Actors I Hate"...what did you expect?

Macy: No you didn’t! You said the name of the show was "Actors I Like"...

Host: No! (begins shaking his head like a fool once again)

Macy: Stop it! Look...it’s even on the title card!

Host: (stops immediately) It is? Is that right Jim?

Jim V/O: (voice comes through intercom) Yeah...

Host: Let me see...

[The title card, with Actors I Like, Hosted by Tobey Dillen, flashes on the screen. Dillen and Macy look downward, as if at the monitor.]

Macy: (pointing towards the monitor) See!

Host: Well...that’s a mistake! What the hell is goin’ on? (almost in tears and speaking like a child) How am I supposed to be a big movie star if we’re making mistakes like this! (runs off-stage) Mommy!!!

Jim V/O: Son...wait!

[Macy appears stunned...he has no clue how to proceed.]

Macy: (appearing to talk at the producer) Uh...what was that all about?

Jim V/O: Listen Mr. Macy...I’m sorry this happened...

Macy: Wait...did I hear that right? Is he your...

Jim V/O: (interrupting) Yes...he’s my son. See, he’s got these big dreams of being a comedic actor, and since I’m a big-wig producer, his mom’s attorney made me give him a chance.

Macy: (confused at his comment, but angry) Uh...well I can tell ya right now, he’s not funny!

Jim V/O: Of course he’s not! He’s got a mental disorder! I don’t expect you to understand this, but my son doesn’t get humor...he can’t be funny, alright!

Macy: Well...I’m sorry. It’s just that this has been such a disaster...

Jim V/O: I know, I know...don’t worry, none of this will make it to air...

Host: (off-screen and yelling in a tearful but angry voice) It will if I have anything to do with it!

Jim V/O: You won’t have anything to do with it! Now shut up and get back in your bubble!

Macy: You keep him in a...a bubble?

Jim V/O: Yeah. (an uncomfortable pause) Anyway...let’s just go on and continue without him.

Macy: What? What do you want me to do?

Jim V/O: I don’t know...just do something! You’re the one who’s supposed to be this big, fancy actor! Ad-lib...tell some jokes...sing a song...I don’t care!

Macy: (standing up) That’s it...I’m outta here...

Jim V/O: If you leave, I’ll have you blackballed from Pittsburgh to Pawtucket!

Macy: What? That’s not even that far!

Jim V/O: It’s damn well far enough!

Macy: Whatever...you’re an idiot...you’re all morons...

[A beat as Macy stomps off-stage in a huff.]

Host: (off-screen) Daddy...make him come back!

Jim V/O: Shut up or you’ll get the muzzle!

Host: (off-screen) No you shut up!

Jim V/O: That’s it!