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Jen.....Maya Rudolph Ben.....Jimmy Fallon Christopher Walken.....William H. Macy Al Pacino.....Jeff Richards (Open to Ben (Fallon) and Jen (Rudolph) who sits on his right. Both are sitting in director's chairs in front of a black backdrop, Jen is very serious and Ben is smiling like an idiot) Jen: Hello, I'm Jennifer Lopez, and this is my fiance Ben Affleck. As many of you are aware, we did a movie together called Gigli. Now, I'd just like to say that I honestly believe Gigli is a good movie, and you'd see that if you'd just give it a chance.. Ben: (Calmly interrupting and shaking his head 'no') Jen.. Jen: (Recomposing herself) Sorry, .. (Deep breath) the point of our being here today, is that the cast would like to lope a goz in size. (Suddenly confused by what she just said, squints) You're holding the cue card upside down. (Flustered and pointing) How am I supposed to apologize if I can't read the cue card, huh? If the studio is going to make me do this, the least you can do is hold the card right, okay? Ben: Uh, what Jen is trying to say is that we want to apologize, for.. Jen: I can speak for myself! Ben: Yes ma'am (Returns to smiling like an idiot) Jen: (Recomposes herself and sits smiling) I would like to apologize on behalf of everyone involved with this terrible movie, with terrible actors, and.. (Al Pacino (Richards) enters dressed entirely in black and sits in a director's chair on Jennifer's right) Al Pacino: Not everyone in this movie was terrible. Just you two. I was good, Walken was great, but you two sucked. Jen: We were good too, Pacino! Our performances were genuine and professional; there was real chemistry there. Pacino: Are we talking about the same movie? Jen: Oh please, what did you ever do other than the Godfather, huh? Pacino: Do I really need to do anything other than the Godfather? Scarface, Scent of a Woman, as an actor, I'm a legend. The only thing legendary about you is your ass. (He takes a chair on the right of Jen) You're not an actress you're a fly girl. Jen: I am a good actress. Pacino: What were you in that was good? Jen: Angel Eyes. Pacino: I wanted to gouge out my eyes. Jen: Enough. Pacino: I didn't see it, neither did America. Jen: Maid in Manhattan. Pacino: Made for video. Jen: The Cell. Pacino: (Thoughtfully) That was a good movie. Jen: See! Pacino: No, I mean those creepy little cartoons you watch in the movie. I rented those. They make me just (Gets a shiver) .. Hoo - aH! They're fantastic. Jen: I was in Selena! That movie was great! You can't say anything bad about Selena. Pacino: Just the music career it inspired. Walken (Macy): (Wandering in and sitting down in a fourth director's chair on Ben's left) You know what's great? The potato salad .. I had for lunch. I like the little .. green things. What are they? (In response to something unheard but apparently off stage) Green Onions? You gotta be kidding me? I love garlic. Jen: It wasn't entirely my fault. Ben wasn't that great either. Ben: Hey, you were worse. I mean, you .. a lesbian? Nobody bought that! Jen: Shut up! Pacino: You should have done a lesbian scene. That'd be HOT! (Jen rolls her eyes and shoots Pacino a dirty look) Walken: That'd be nice .. ketchup is nice, it reminds .. me of October .. or November. I always get those two mixed up. Jen: What is wrong with you? Walken: (Blank stare, opens his mouth to speak, and closes it) You're a real bitch sometimes. Jen: The only bitch here is Ben Affleck, look at the movies he's done! Pearl Harbor? (Ben appears immediately shocked by this betrayal.) Walken: Yeah but .. it makes me dream of .. vodka, .. fireworks and .. ice fishing. Pacino: He's got a point. Jen: What about Dogma? Pacino: Great movie. Jen: Yeah, but the acting? Alanis Morrisette did a better job than he did. Ben: How are you supposed to out-act God? Jen: Why aren't you helping me on this? You know people only wanted to see Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith. Ben: Well, they are very talented. Jen: And Daredevil? Ben: (Pouting and looking pitiful) You said you liked the leather suit. Jen: No, I said you looked like a gay Batman. Ben: I thought you meant gay, as in, happy. Jen: And your little gaydar vision, what is that? (Mimics Daredevil and the Daredevil radar vision as if playing a virtual reality game) Hey, look at me, I'm Daredevil. I'm blind, but with my special gaydar I can see; and I know kung fu! (Strikes a kung fu pose) Walken: Actually.. Jen: (Exasperated) What now! Walken: The fruit platter I had for breakfast was .. much colder than I like it .. it hurt my teeth. Ben: (Interjecting) Yeah, I know what you mean. It makes your coffee seem too hot to be drinkable. Walken: (Completely ignores Ben) And the next thing I know .. I end up with muffin .. down my shirt and I'm holding some fat .. lady's poodle named .. Falloollah .. who is also fat. (Both Ben and Walken sit back in their chairs apparently supremely satisfied with the conversation they just had) Jen: (Seeming defeated) Whose side are you on? Ben: (Trying to comfort her) Honey, this isn't about sides, we made this movie together. We all put effort into it together, and we all ruined it together. Walken: You're a nice boy, Ben. Ben: Thanks, that means a lot to me. Walken: But I didn't ruin .. this movie. I don't .. ruin movies; I'm Christopher Walken. Jen: You've done plenty of bad movies. You were in Kangaroo Jack and The Country Bears. Walken: But I was also in .. Catch me if you Can and .. Pulp Fiction. Jen: You were in Joe Dirt and two bad Alicia Silverstone movies. Walken: But I danced .. in a Moby video and I was the headless horseman in Sleepy Hollow, horses are cool .. and I got to be headless. Jen: This movie is not all my fault! The media made our on screen chemistry out to be this big thing, and when it wasn't what they thought it was going to be they turned on us unfairly! Pacino: Wait a minute, you told the media you had chemistry on this film? Jen: (Matter-of-factly) We do. Pacino: What were you thinking? An actress of your caliber should never promise anything more than… boobs and ass. Jen: Excuse me? Pacino: You're great with those. Jen: That's it! I've had enough, you all may think you're better actors than I am but you're nothing but a bunch of assholes! (Storms out) Ben: Great, do you have any idea how much this is going to cost me? (Goes after her pulling out cell phone) Yeah, get my jeweler on the phone. And let my agent know I'm willing to do the Daredevil Sequel. (Exits) Pacino: So, in conclusion, we apologize in advance for the Daredevil Sequel and for any lack of satisfaction you feel toward the performances of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck in this movie, Gigli. Christopher, do you have anything else to say? Walken: No, you did a good job, I'm proud of you. Do you know .. where I parked my car? Pacino: I think the studio drove you here. Walken: (A pause) That explains more than you know. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
