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Stacy Leathermint.....Rachel Dratch (in huge fatsuit) Tommy Thunder.....Will Forte (in huge fatsuit) Chuck Woolery.....Jeff Richards Le Chef Jacques.....Darrell Hammond Davy Maxwell.....Fred Armisen (in huge fatsuit) [ Open on darkened game show studio, two rotund contestants, STACY LEATHERMINT and TOMMY THUNDER can be seen facing each other at a central podium. The host, CHUCK WOOLERY, stands behind the podium. Rowdy audience members scream and hoot. Theme music plays as spotlights shine all over the audience ] Announcer V/O: And now it’s time to play Audience: Eat! That! Cow! [ music fades out as camera zooms in on host ] Chuck Woolery: Hello, and welcome back to “Eat That Cow!” the controversial game show brought to you by Spike TV. Well, I’ll tell ya, we must have the most vegan protestors, ever! [ cut to protestors outside screaming. Signs bearing the phrases “Eat That Cow! is Murder” and “Beef is Satan” are visible in the crowd, along with a portrait of Chuck Woolery and Hitler with an equals sign between them ] Chuck Woolery: We’re down to our final two contestants after the Beef Sausage Speed Eating round, and they’re just about to bet on the final event of the night. Can we bring out the cow? [ a cow is lead out by two skinny models wearing tight, cow-patterned dresses who are gesturing at the cow as if on the price is right ] Announcer V/O: Weighing in at 1,288 pounds, today’s cow is Jennie from Redtown, Wisconsin. Chuck Woolery: Thanks, Don. Well, Tommy, you chowed through your sausages the fastest, so you get to bet first. Tommy Thunder: Al, I can eat that cow in ten hours. Chuck Woolery: Over to you, Stacy. Stacy Leathermint: I can eat that cow in eight hours. Chuck Woolery: Tommy, she’s turning up the heat. Tommy Thunder: I think… I think I can eat that cow in seven hours. Chuck Woolery: Stacy, sounds tough. Stacy Leathermint: (a pause) I can eat that cow in six hours, Al. Chuck Woolery: That’s mighty fast, Tommy. Tommy Thunder: Stacy, eat that cow! Chuck Woolery: Alright, Stacy, looks like the cow’s in your court. Time will start as soon as the first dish is served. [ cut to clip of interview with Tommy Thunder ] Tommy Thunder: I didn’t think I could eat Jennie in seven hours; Stacy jumped ahead on the previous bet and I started wondering “Should I bet?” and “Should I make her eat it?” [ cut to clip of interview with Stacy Leathermint ] Stacy Leathermint: I was really worried. I thought, maybe, Tommy was bluffing with the seven hours, but then I looked at that cow and thought “Wow, that’s a mighty tasty cow standing over there. Why should Tommy get to eat it?” [ cut to kitchen where Chuck Woolery is standing with LE CHEF JACQUES, an enthusiastic, overly accented French chef ] Chuck Woolery: I’m speaking now with Le Chef Jacques, who will be cooking up Jennie the cow to serve to Stacy. Le Chef Jacques, what do you have in store for us today? Le Chef Jacques: [ waves a spatula throughout ] Bonjour, Chuck Woolery. On today, I will be serving Stacy one very spe-ci-al cow. The sirloin will be roasted to such a per-fec-ti-on that you will feel as in heaven. The ribs will be basted with mushrooms and not barbequed like you un-cul-tu-red American slobs prefer. The chuck will be mixed in a stew so thick, the Dutch use it to hold back the sea. Chuck Woolery: Well, I’ll tell ya, that’s absolutely terrific. Let’s let Le Chef Jacques get to work. [ a loud, long cow scream is heard in the background ] Well, there goes Jennie. [ cut to clip of interview with Stacy Leathermint ] Stacy Leathermint: Wow. I’m a big fan of stew so I’m really looking forward to this. [ cut to clip of interview with Tommy Thunder ] Tommy Thunder: I really feel sorry for those Dutch people, their country is below sea level so if they don’t each spend four hours every day repairing their dykes, they’ll all drown. It’s amazing they get anything else done. [ cut to dining room where steaks and other sorts of beef are stacked about two feet high on a variety of platters. Stacey is seated with fork and knife in hand, with Chuck Woolery and Tommy in the back ] Chuck Woolery: Well, I’ll tell ya, Stacy, this isn’t going to be easy. You have six hours to eat this cow. Remember, you have one clock-stopper, where you can have a friend join you at this table for five minutes. [ shot of DAVY MAXWELL in audience, waving ] Chuck Woolery: That man there is your clock-stopper and boyfriend of three years, Davy Maxwell and of course, you, Stacy, don’t need to be told that, but for everyone else in the audience, and everyone watching us at home, he’s Stacy’s clock-stopper and boyfriend. How are you feeling, Stacy? Stacy Leathermint: Pretty hungry, chuck. Chuck Woolery: Ha ha ha, and rightly so. Ok, ready? Go! [ a clock set at six hours appears in the lower right of the screen and begins ticking down. A montage commences focusing primarily on Stacy stuffing her face with various meats, but with shots of Le Chef Jacques pirouetting while cooking in the kitchen, Tommy staring intensely, and Chuck Woolery sitting in a lounge chair reading J. R. R. Tolkein’s Return of the King ] [ with 2:38:40 left on the clock, a buzzer sounds and the clock stops. Chuck Woolery fumbles to close his book and grab his microphone ] Chuck Woolery: Well, it looks like Stacy has decided to use her clock-stopper. Davy, get on up here and help Stacy out. [ quick shot of Davy standing up ] Now, Stacy, why did you just use your clock stopper? Stacy Leathermint: I got to the ribs, and I promised Davy he could join me for the ribs, he absolutely loves the ribs. [ Davy has joined them on stage ] Chuck Woolery: Now Davy, as the clock-stopper, you’re going to get five minutes to help Stacy out with this large pile of beef. So have a seat. How are you feeling? Davy Maxwell: I’m feeling great, Chuck. I can’t wait to get started. Chuck Woolery: Here we go with our clock-stopper, and… go! [ short montage of Davy and Stacy plowing through the ribs, one shot shows them feeding each other, until a buzzer sounds ] Chuck Woolery: That buzzer means the clock-stopper is over. If you could take your normal seat, Davy, we’ll let Stacy get back to eating, and… go! [ shot of Stacy inhaling stew as clock resumes ticking down, and then cut to interview with Stacy ] Stacy Leathermint: I definitely felt like the clock-stopper went well, Davy and I ate a lot of those ribs. [ cut to interview with Tommy ] Tommy Thunder: Chuck was really interested in that book. I don’t even know why he’s bothering to read it, the movie will be out in just a few more months. [ cut back to more montage, until there’s just one plate left in front of Stacy, with only a small amount of beef left. The clock reads 0:00:39 ] Chuck Woolery: On this show, pacing is everything, and well, I’ll tell ya, Stacy really knows what she’s doing with that pacing. Just about half a minute left and only one small piece left can she do it? [ show Stacy forcing the last piece into her mouth ] Chuck Woolery: Now, remember, it needs to be swallowed. And chew, and chew, and yes! [ clock stops at 0:00:04 ] She did it! Congratulations, Stacy, you’ve just won here on Eat That Cow! Tell her what’s she’s won, Don! [ show pictures or advertised products ] Announcer V/O: You’ve won a brand new stereo from Audia. Audia, so complex, you won’t ever be able to set it up. You’ve also won a three day trip to Six Flags Over New Jersey. Finally, you’ve won a lifetime membership to Planet Fitness, God knows you need it. Chuck Woolery: Fantastic. Well, Tommy, sorry you didn’t get to do much today, but we’ll have some nice parting gifts for you. And now, Stacy, once again congratulations on winning, Davy get on up here [ Davy gets up from his seat ] Stacy, I was talking to Davy while you were busy eating the top roasts and he has something special planned for today [ Davy arrives onstage ] Davy Maxwell: [ gets down on one knee ] We’ve been through so much together, Stacy, and I’ve decided I want to spend the rest of my life with you. [ pulls out ring from his pocket ] Stacy Leathermint, will you marry me? Stacy Leathermint: [ excited ] Wow… I didn’t expect this… This could be so great… Omigod, omigod… Chuck Woolery: Time’s running out, we need an answer. Stacy Leathermint: Davy, you know there’s nothing more I’d like to say than [ camera zooms in on her face ] "Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
