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Ice Cream Vendor.....Will Forte Mother.....Maya Rudolph Customer.....Chris Parnell [Sketch begins by showing stock footage of an ice cream truck rolling through a suburban neighborhood on a beautiful, sunny summer afternoon. We only see the front of it and a passing glimpse of the driver as it rolls to a stop alongside the curb. Cut to scene where the vendor (Forte) has the side window open and is attempting to attract business.] Ice Cream Vendor: Ice cream! Ice cream! Come and get your ice cream children! Ice cream! [A few children are seen running across the screen quickly and without stopping.] Ice Cream Vendor: Come on kids! Nothing better than some cool, creamy ice cream on a hot summer day! [A few more children run across the screen, again with haste and without pause.] Ice Cream Vendor: Hey! I got cones, sandwiches, push-ups, popsicles...I got everything! Come on girls and boys...you know you want some good, down-home American ice cream... [One kid approaches the van cautiously.] Kid: Can I have a vanilla cone and...uh...a rocket-cicle please? Ice Cream Vendor: Sure you can! Let me just... [His mother comes running up and grabs him.] Mother: Bobby! Stay away from that ice cream truck! (to the vendor) You are a sick, sick man mister! Get out of our neighborhood this instant before I call the police! Ice Cream Vendor: What are you talking about ma’am? I’m just here to sell ice cream... Mother: C’mon Bobby, let’s go! (runs away with the child) Ice Cream Vendor: Wait! Don’t go! Come back ma’am...please! (a beat as the vendor sighs) Dammit! [A customer (Parnell) approaches the vendor’s window.] Customer: Hey. Got any of that new Starbucks ice cream...you know, the kind with the actual coffee beans in it? Ice Cream Vendor: (dejected) Sure...what’ll it be, cup or cone? Customer: Cone... [A beat as the vendor turns around and gets the man’s ice cream. He soon turns back around and hands him the cone.] Ice Cream Vendor: That’ll be two-fifty, sir. Customer: (rummages through his pockets for the money, then hands it to him) Here ya go. Ice Cream Vendor: Thanks... Customer: Have a good day. (begins to walk away) Ice Cream Vendor: Sir? Customer: Yes? Ice Cream Vendor: Could I ask you something? Customer: (walking back up) Sure, ask anything you like. Ice Cream Vendor: Well sir, I’ve been parked here for a couple minutes now, but I haven’t sold any ice cream...at least not until you showed up. What do you think the problem is? I mean, am I doing something wrong? Customer: Uh...I’m not really sure...(begins looking the truck over) Ice Cream Vendor: I mean, I even had an irate mother come up and pull her kid away from me, and she was saying I should leave this neighborhood, and she would call the police, and... Customer: (looking to the side) Oh...I get it now. Ice Cream Vendor: Get what? Customer: Get what? Don’t you know what’s written on the side of your van? Ice Cream Vendor: Of course I do! [Cut to shot of the side of the truck. The words "CHILD ABDUCTION VAN" are written in big black letters with a circle drawn around them and a line drawn through them.] Customer: Well, don’t you think having "child abduction van" written across the side of your truck has something to do with you not being able to sell any ice cream? Ice Cream Vendor: No! I mean, don’t you see the big circle and line drawn through it? Customer: Yes, I do, but... Ice Cream Vendor: (interrupting) That means that no child abductions will ever take place with this van...and I’m serious about that! Customer: I believe you...but come on...are you an idiot or something? Ice Cream Vendor: No I’m not! Listen, it’s not my fault that’s written there, ok? My old van broke down the other day and I was screwed, ya know, so I bought this one at a police auction. Customer: So you’re sayin’ the police wrote "child abduction van" on the side of your truck? Ice Cream Vendor: Yes... Customer: Why would they do that? Ice Cream Vendor: Well, when I asked the auctioneer about it, he told me this van was previously owned by a reputed child abductor here in the city...I think the papers called him...uh..."Harvey the Reputed Child Abductor" or something... Customer: Harvey the reputed child abductor? I don’t remember reading about him... Ice Cream Vendor: Yeah? Well, he was terrible, I tell ya, just terrible! I mean, he was abducting children left and right all over town...that is, until the police caught him...yeah...and then, in order to make sure they kept up with all the evidence, they started labeling things, right? So like, this van was labeled "child abduction van" so they would know this was the actual van used by that Harvey guy to kidnap kids. Customer: Listen, I used to be in law enforcement, and to be completely frank, I don’t think the police would do such a thing, even under those circumstances. Ice Cream Vendor: Oh yeah? Well, I don’t think you know what you’re talking about! Customer: Oh, I don’t know what I’m talking about? At least I’m not trying to sell ice cream to kids with "child abduction van" written all over my truck! Ice Cream Vendor: Oh yeah? Customer: Yeah! And to tell you the truth, I don’t think I believe your story either! I think you just made up the whole bit about your van breaking down and the auction and the Harvey guy... Ice Cream Vendor: So you’re callin’ me a liar now? Customer: Yes, I guess I am! Ice Cream Vendor: Oh yeah? Customer: Yeah! Ice Cream Vendor: Oh yeah? Customer: Yeah!!! Ice Cream Vendor: (muttering) You’re right... Customer: YEAH!...what? Ice Cream Vendor: You’re absolutely correct sir. My van didn’t break down, I didn’t get this from a police auction, and there was no Harvey guy abducting kids... Customer: (puzzled) Alright...could you please tell me what the hell’s goin’ on then? Ice Cream Vendor: (reluctantly) Well you see, it’s like this...I used to be a child abductor. Customer: What??? Ice Cream Vendor: Yes, yes...I used to abduct children...whooptie doo! Customer: Oh my god! And now you’re sellin’ ice cream to them??? Ice Cream Vendor: Yes, I am! And to be honest, I don’t see a problem with that! Customer: Oh you don’t, huh? Well I think it’s really disgusting that you’d use something as innocent and wholesome as selling ice cream to lure in kids so you can abduct them! Ice Cream Vendor: Maybe you didn’t hear me right...I said I used to abduct kids...I used to...but I’m off it now, ok? Can’t a man move on in this country? I mean, just because I used to like the smell of children’s underwear and I used to enjoy having kids fart bare-assed on my bedsheets in lieu of washing them doesn’t mean I can’t go on living my life...nay, living my dream...of selling ice cream out of a truck! Customer: So...you don’t abduct kids anymore? Ice Cream Vendor: No! Customer: Then why in the name of Mary Magdalene is "child abduction van" written on the side of your ice cream truck? Ice Cream Vendor: Well see, I used to work this very neighborhood, right? I would come along in my van and scoop up all the kids, just as I scooped up that very ice cream you hold in your hand, and take them off to my house in the hills. There, I would let them run around in the fields, throw rocks at my dogs, rub poison ivy all over my chest, and play games like "Who stole my loaded gun again?"...you know, fun stuff...and no one ever told, because they all had a good time! Customer: My god, you’re sick! Ice Cream Vendor: Hey! Don’t judge a book by its cover, alright! Customer: What was that? Ice Cream Vendor: I said...don’t judge a book by its... Customer: (interrupting) I heard what you said! It just doesn’t make sense! Ice Cream Vendor: Well, it makes sense to me! Customer: Ok whatever...but you still haven’t explained why you have "child abduction van" written on the side of your truck! Ice Cream Vendor: Duh? So the kids won’t think I’m here to abduct them! (pointing) See where I marked it out? Geez...everything has to be laid out real simple for you, doesn’t it "officer Down’s syndrome"...or should I say "former officer Down’s syndrome"... Customer: Forget it...I’m outta here. And oh yeah, here’s your stinkin’ cone! (shoves the barely-eaten ice cream cone in his face and walks away) Ice Cream Vendor: (a beat as he wipes his face with a napkin) Well, I guess I’ll never make it as an ice cream man... [As he continues to wipe his face, the same kid as before walks up.] Kid: Mister...mister! Ice Cream Vendor: Yes? Kid: Can me and my friends throw ice cream in your face too? (a couple of kids run up out of nowhere and begin shouting "yeah!" repeatedly) Ice Cream Vendor: (suddenly lighting up) Sure guys...come on in! You can throw all the ice cream at me you want! I sure as hell ain’t gonna sell it... [The vendor comes out of the back and opens his doors. All of the kids run in and begin grabbing and throwing ice cream at the vendor from inside the van. A few seconds later, he runs around to the side, shuts his window, and closes the doors to his van with the kids inside.] Ice Cream Vendor: (as he is getting into his truck) Well, if I can’t make it as an ice cream man, I guess it’s back to child abducting...I haven’t had a good golden shower in a few weeks anyway...(now shouting to the kids in his van) C’mon kids...let’s go back to my place again! [The kids can be heard yelling "yay" as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
